I think I am more bat shit crazy than any of the women I date more for the way i react to their crazy then for my own crazy. technology has mad me so impatient. i cant help but get irritated when i don't get a response to texts and i overreact and under react at all the wrong times.

i blocked T from being able to call me. i feel so much peace without her here. who knows if she has even tried to get a hold of me or if she is sitting outside my house stalking me right now. either way fuck it!!!

as for susan. oh lord this girl is gonna have me so fast. yet i want to kill her. the only plans we had tonight were to hang out after my crew dinner. and now i am sitting here waiting for her. she said she was on her way 25 minutes ago. not long at all. patience. FUCK.

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK! I DON'T THINK I HAVE EVER BEEN THIS HORNY IN MY LIFE. LOOSING MY MIND!!!!

just sayin'

2 1/5 Weeks Single

And still very happy about it.

Peace at last.

I turned my phone off. I cant take her non stop calling any more!!

I sware T is going to be the death of me. she is threatening to kill herself if i don't see her. I know she wont do it. She gave herself a panic attack because i ignored her for 2 hours.

I want her to accept we are broken up and go the fuck away

So on november 5th i told T it was over. the next few days were a mix of her screaming at me over text. Calling me nonstop. And sad sappy lovey begging. We both said things that were so past horrible. but somthing broke in my and I dont know what or why.

Yesterday 11-11-11 i told her i needed 2 weeks of space. total silence. she Agreed? and yes its been less the 24 hours but so far, silence. She said she wont hear from me again till i reach out to her. I know this needed to happen. i know i did the right thing even if the means were nasty and drawn out. But right now I am missing my companion. feeling that loss. i have been so busy and will be again, to think about it. but its saturday morning. the only day I have off this week, and too early in the morning to go out and start my errands.

So i have time to miss her. There are pieces of me that wonder, will i ever be loved again? is she right saying she is the best i will ever get? i don't think so but it is a fear. I do love her, and will miss her. but the amount of pain and stress she causes me is more then the joy she brings my life. i cant handle the drama. or the inconsistancy. i was trying to wait it out. give her the time she needed to move on from him. but i don't think she ever will. she bought a new car yesterday. a green mini. the same care a few months ago she made fun of me for liking. something about that pisses me off so much. so far past jealousy that she owns that car. like a kid who gets something only because you want it and cant have it.

so, i bought new make up, black eyeliner and red lipstick. new perfume. I do love the old but they didn't have it. and signed up to be in a art bizzar in 3 weeks. hopefuly i will keep moving, and not get bitter or jaded. or go back.

Peace. I want it to last.

Longest I have going without talking to T in the 10 months we have been together and I am peaceful and actually happy. I think that is telling me something. No just hope it lasts long enough to get my head straight. so when she is done trying to out stubborn me with the silent treatment I can keep the distance and tell her i need a break.

Food, Booze, Running. I am defiantly chasing a dopamine high that i am missing from my life now after the being single no sex thing kicked in.

I need some motivation. At work, in my personal life. I need to start running and doing yoga more. Eat less junk food and drink less.

Ah

I have been told now by 2 people close to me that I am selfish. And in both cases I know that it was truly the person pointing that finger that is the selfish person. I believed Jeana for a long time after she told me I was selfish. It took alot of time. Some very good friends and alone time to realize that its not true and in alot of cases I need to be more selfish. Now Tricia is telling me I am selfish. I have offered her everything I have in the world. Given her all the energy I have and still it is not enough. She is truly the selfish one. Taking everything 2 people has and it is still not enough for her. I know this mornings fight is not the end of what ever us there is. But I hope that I can carry with my this knowledge. That I am not selfish. I am giving and loving. And worthy of the same. I want to hold on to the knowledge that the fact she has a emotional disorder is not an excuse for the way she acts. The episode is not outside of who she is. It is a part of her. I will not justify away her actions.

Anxious

T has told me that we shouldn't see each other for a few days, I think she was joking. I said 10 days. She extended to 15. I still think she is joking. But I am hoping she is not. I think the space will be good. But for some reason it makes me anxious. I am at work, but all I want to do is sit in a quiet place with this anxious feeling and figure out where it is coming from so i can face it, change it and be able to focus on my life again. I am so behind which is stressing me out and making to focus problems harder.

A friend you make at a low point in your life, when you are struggling to breath, incapable of random kindness, and throwing your anger around, is a friend worth taking a moment to appreciate. Thank you for seeing me to the friends I have meet lattly. Thank you for knowing that the crazy, fractured and broken woman you see has a heart and appreciates you so much. And when I can keep from crying of a broken heart, and when i am not struggling to just keep myself moving I swear I will pay you back.

Julie came to me me in a dream last night. the last time she did, my uncle died. the dead giving me warning i am losing someone else. I hope that is not the case this time. My paranoia is running wild with my imagination right now.

3 Weeks

Been keeping my mouth shut for 3 weeks not. The truth is nothing really has changed other then now we are having an affair. A secret. She is staying with that cowered of a man. Truth is, I don't think I want to keep her as mine. I think that just being friends would be the best for us, for me. this i am keeping to myself for now too. At-least till I settle on it fully in mind before I tell her. I don't want to go in to something like this half-hearted. Best to do it with a solid conviction.

I do love her, and want to keep her in my life, but don't see us having a successful partner relationship at this point. Its always possible that that could change. Currently she is not speaking to me and I don't know why. I think it is insanely childish and it reminds me that I prefer butch women for a reason, or women who tend to be less "Girly". Like most of the female friends I have. No the girls who play games.

I also know that I enjoy my freedom, and my solitude. I can very quickly get clingy, however it makes me crazy and restless. I need more of a balance then I have had. I need to learn to take care of myself and my needs before I take care of everyone and everything else. Or I am useless to anyone. The world may see me as acting selfish for this, but I need it. And yes I do need to be more selfish right now.

There are moments of utter peace and moments of panic when I think of this. Loosing her. Moving on. I cling to the peace and breath thru the panic. I know after tonight it will be Sunday before we can see each other. That may be the best thing for me right now. And the fact that she is not speaking to me is giving me mental space from the constant texting we usually do.

I feel better after putting this down. Organizing my thoughts on it.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut till this sticks because she has broken up with me so many times. but for the love of god i want to talk to someone. say it.

She told me we need to be just friends, this time i feel single again. and it hurts but feels good too.

passion

I like to wright and I like to type. but i find i don't have that much to say. no grand story to tell. kind of like art or cooking. i enjoy them but i am by no means spectacular at them nor do i have the passion or the ambition to drop my whole life in to one of those buckets.

i wish i had the passion for any one thing. i feel that is something that i lack some times. in the past their have been times when i had so much focus for something. mostly just my education. and thru it all. stress, midterms, being broke. i still had the goal. that dream of getting a degree. now i feel like i am just wandering. some days feel like living this life for another 60 years is too long. some times not long enough. i want a goal. a reason to keep pressing forward.

my career feels like its at a waiting point. waiting for someone to move on so i can move up. i realize that every situation in life has some form of bullshit built in, even when you try to eliminate all the bull shit and drama you in up with the shit of an emptiness, a lonlyness. i am very tired of the divas and the politics behind having to prove my self again and again in a male dominated field.

no situation and no one is perfect. i understand this and i know that there are always compromises to be made. but i am tired of it right now. tired of turning tables, uncertainty, boarded, struggling, being broke.

today is day 3 in a long weekend. i know i needed it. half of one day i spent with t the others i have been alone. good thinking time. quiet time. not that i have a fucking clue what i am doing, or want to be doing. before i go to bed every night i ask myself what do i want. and the answer varys. some night i want for nothing. some nights ice cream, or to be beautiful. some nights for financial stability. but none of those are legitimate goals. the financial stability i hope some day i will earn, but that is not a goal on its own. it comes with a job and good decisions.

i consider myself pretty blessed. i am independent, making my ends meet. have good friends, granted they are far away. i love the city i live in and most days love my job. yet in all this all the accomplishments i have ever made, there is a darkness underneath. a loneliness an emptiness i have never been able to pin point. i consider myself a relatively happy person yet i can not remember a time in my life i have felt............light. interlay happy. i don't know if this is a silly thing to want to feel. because with the good comes the bad. and every night has a day. but i want to be content, not complacent and not manic. between board and stressed. in a comfortable jogging pase. not moving faster then comfortable but still moving briskly enough for a challenge.

who knows maybe i just don't know how to live contently. maybe i need the drama, pain to feel normal. maybe i seek out these people who are not as good to me as people tell me i deserve. or maybe i just wine to much and make bad things seem worse then they are. im not sure how to gage that. it seems that that is a matter of opinion so by nature can never be proved or disproved.

its very possible that being locked in my house for 2 days i may just need some love. a hug or a dog to sit on my feet. i don't feel lonely while reading unless the character is lonly. i am content to listen to podcasts and walk alone. but when i stop, when i get board it all crashes back over me. and accounting is not stimulating enought to my brain to keep me engaged. i don't want to even think its time for a new job because i love my boys so much. more then they know. they are more important to me then employes to a boss. they are my motivation for work, my friends. even if they barley know me.

i think this is one reason i hold so tight to t even though i know not everything she does or is i agree with. because she knows me. sees me. and i don't want to lose that. i just wish she could make up her mind in what ever direction. just be my friend or stop hurting Adam.

i think i need a change, a goal something to get my mind moving in a forward direction.

I get so irritated when people make plans and then don't follow thru with them. I am supposed to be spending the morning with T and she is mad at me for something I said to a friend that got back to him and then her. I called him a tool which i would say to his face. He is a tool, a back shaving shoe to hat matching, short little white boy who thinks he is black tool. and she wont even say hey i am pissed I am canceling our breakfast plans. I really don't like it when people are unreliable. I have been pissed at her many times but if we had plans i followed thru with them. Because my word is important to me. And it needs to mean something to me.

I want to pack up and start over. I have suck strong gypsy instincts and they are nagging at me right now. I doing know if the New Orleans heat is making it worse. But work is stressful and I love T but don't know how this is ever gonna change.

I know that I am a fatalist and I think that is one thing this relationship is suppose to be teaching me. That things have rough patches without having to end. With work in a rough patch and my relationship in the same I think I am suppose to be learning right now that you can work thru it if you want to. The bottom is not going to drop right out of everything all the time. Some things can last for a bit. I know nothing lasts for ever, but things can last for more then a few months. I will get thru this. One way or another. I will prevail and come out on top. Gonna keep saving in case I do get fired. Gonna keep my eyes, arms and heart open to where the future is leading me.

It is a great talent of mine that I can calm, comfort and understand just about anyone. I know peoples buttons and how to get thru to them. And ya know what? some times I wish someone one had the same ability to handle me. Because I am really fucking loosing it right now and it would be nice.

So much wearing on me, work and love. ah. really All it would take is a sweet treat and a hug to coddle me right now. Is that so much to ask for?

"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

I may cry today.

a moment

Its amazing how a moment can hit you out of nowhere. Walking along. Making it. Happy. And out of nowhere I get hit with a wave of heart break. Without warning or reason. Nothing has changed, yet I have this wave of dread sucking me under. I know it will pass. The whole day has been wonderful and stressful. All work wise. Now siting on my dinner break a feeling of the loss of T. It hit me from out of nowhere. I haven't lost her although some times it feels like I have or should. I feel like if I took a large enough breath in right now I could burst in to tears. I love this woman. Don't feel like I can rely on her. Want to make it work. Do I just not want to give up?

Nut up or Shut up

I will be shutting up. Ok I run my mouth to much. Especially when I am confused and hurt. And ya know what? I need to learn to keep it to myself. I am an idiot and too many people know that right now. This whole thing with T. Back and forth and me talking about it. Saying with such conviction it needs to end and then me taking it back makes me look like a fool. Every relationship has its problems and not everyone runs around talking about it. I need to stop sharing every up and down of this relationship. there are a lot of little tid bits of wisdom and logic today coming at me. "follow your heart" "things end bad or they don't end at all"

I love her. My heart tells me that this could be the love of my life. My brain and fear are the ones telling me to run.

So time to keep this relationship to myself and a small select group of people. I have alot of good friends and feel the need to share my life with them but i think i need to pull back some of that information. I don't know all the ups and downs of their lives they don't need to know mine.

i think I have been over connected. Especially with T. Texting constantly all day has left me so saturated. She left me alone for a few hours yesterday morning and I felt so much more like me. I was talking to my friend Alan and he said he feels the same way with his boyfriend. Says he misses missing him. and I defiantly understand that.

Struggling has only gotten me in this cycle of pain and love. Every time I try to pull away from T she comes running for me. And every time I try to make this relationship work she runs. So for now. I think I am just gonna let it be. She has decided to cancel her Face Book and not text as often. Already I feel so much calmer. With out her indecisive nonstop plans and game changes in my ear. I think that with out us connected by our cell phones all day every day this will pass. Or change in some way. I feel we are drifting apart and at the moment that is fine with me. I can smile and laugh right now. Something I have not been doing much latly.

I was thinking this morning about qualities I want in a friend right now. And my Allen kept coming to mind. As soon as I got to work there he was on my FB saying he misses me and misses New Orleans. It would be so wonderful to have him back here. Start a closer friendship with him. He is the most down to earth gay man I have ever met.

What am I learning here. Obviously the lesson is not learned if I am still involved in this drama. And don't feel like just walking away form the situation. Everything happens for a reason. What is the reason here?

Hard Choices

Just because a decision is hard or hurts doesn't mean it doesn't need to be made. She would have continued to hurt me. She wasn't willing to change the pattern so I had to do it.

She is going to hate me. And i will have to accept that. I'll have to move on. And I can I know I can. Stay strong. Day by day. It will get easier. I know it will. We have gotten to an impasse. And i don't know what else to do. I cant continue this pain and crying. The fighting and struggle.

I am still so torn on this. As much as I know logically I need to do it. Need to protect myself. I still love her. Want to believe her. Want to believe that she will be good to me. Who knows maybe with time apart the way we interact will change. Maybe it will change to us just being friends. Or that she will decide she is gay and doesn't want to be with him. Who knows how it will turn out. But the truth is I can't continue the path I am on.

She wants to talk about it tonight. Not sure how that will go. Or if it will just be another circle. No one can honestly tell me what they think I should do because most of our interactions are so private. No one sees the fights or strain. They hear them from my perspective. Skewed and tainted my pain. So this decision is one that I have to make without any input form the people I love and trust.

Part of me think I should be more patient with her. She is in a difficult situation and she is confused. But it doesn't out weigh the pain. Maybe I start with a month apart. See what clarity that gives me. And her. Maybe she would get over me fast. Move on to another woman more willing to put up with her baby daddy drama. Or decide she is set up with what she has.

At this point I will take any decision as long as it is a decision. No more limbo. No more waiting for the poker game to begin.

Where to step next

Now is the moment, that either I make a change or fall back in to the same pattern. The pattern as it has been is not an option. So what is next. What do I do. How do I keep moving forward?

T and I are supposed to talk tonight. I can fall back in the pattern of 2 weeks of wonderfulness. A fast hard crash where she breaks up with me and then 2 weeks of fighting, anxiety, 2 weeks of feeling used, abused and unappreciated. So what do I do? Cutting her off completely apparently is not an option for me. I just cant seem to ignore her. Probably because I don't want to.

Do I continue dating her, just with a big step back? No more talk of moving in, no more spending nights. Pox her up in my head in the friends with benefits restrictions. No thoughts of a future together, no want to progress. I wonder if I can do that.

Do I walk away? and if so HOW? I don't know if I am strong enough to ignore her. She is so persistent. She will call, text, email and eventually confront me. I love her and miss her when we are apart so how do I cut her off?

I realize at this point if I continue this relationship, I cant talk about it to really anyone. Everyone is over hearing the drama. Seeing me hurt, seeing me let someone hurt me. And I hear that. Part of me is screaming in my head that I am a fucking idiot. But I am not lonely with her. I feel loved. And connected. I'm waiting for her to deal the dam cards so i can play my hand. What ever one I get.

My friend Jehmal got back to town. He has been gone a month. Him being here makes me feel calmer. Happier in a relationship that I cannot totally rely on. I don't know if it is because he is a perpetual bachelor and completely content in it. Or if its that I have a buddy. Even if we are not close. I feel more grateful for my little apartment, my independence and self reliance since he has been back.

SOme times I sit and think what do I want. The answer changes. But what doesn't change is that I want People. I want to build a family. Have people here I can rely on. I have so many wonderful people that love me, but they are far away. I need to build that here.

Do

one week

It has now been a week the T and I have not been together. We made it just short of 6 months. Bits of me still hope that we can work this out and get back together. But most of me knows it wont work out. At least not without a large change on her part. This may sound selfish of me, but i cannot live as the mistress any longer. I know she is not ready to leave Adam. I know I cant trust her word if she tells me that she will.

Moving on is going to be very hard. Mostly because there is a part of me that is willing to take the abuse to be with her. But I know I deserve better. And that I shouldn't settle for less then I know I deserve.

Although I know all this, logically. It doesn't make it any easier.

I miss her. Miss holding her body in my sleep. Feeling her breath. Talking with her. Telling her every secret, knowing that I have nothing to hide from her. It was so nice not being lonely. feeling I had someone to rely on. When I could rely on her. I know I can fall in love again. I trust that I have that ability. Knowing this does not make me want to move on any faster. Start again. I realize I have started over alot in my life and that I can do it again and again if i need to. I don't want to. I am tired and don't want to struggle. Don't want to live with a feeling of longing, or searching. But I guess thats the human condition.

Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside me an emptiness that, at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean. And the moon tonight, there's a circle around it. A sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but there is no woman, only that moon

Seeds of resentment sprout in corners of my soul

Who is this stranger in my bed?

Face a demon

I know I have trust issues. I know I believe everyone who comes in to my life will end up leaving me. I am fighting that right now. Tricia in the past has given me reason to doubt her. But she isn't now. She is being wonderful. I am the crazy one. Or well we both are.

I will get over this hump and hopefully with my relationship in tact. I know I am a survivor an can keep moving even if I end up with a shattered heart. I would rather not. I love her and want this family I am being pulled in to.

If money were no object I know things would be different right now. I don't know if they would be for better or worse. If I would have run. Or if I would have moved in to a bigger place to take care of them.

Fuck PMS. at least that's what I'm going with is wrong with me right now. I am nearly a week late. T & I have spent every night together for a week and a half so I think I am just syncing up to her. Fucking Finally! But the 2 weeks of PMS are making me feel whiny, needy, insecure all the traits I hate.

My jaw is killing me from gritting my teeth. It makes me feel so trapped in my head when I do that. Like I am disconnected from the rest of my body. Everything below my neck matters less. It went away while I was at the gym today.

woo stream of conscious rambling.

Things are good. When I take a breath, I am grateful.

Nerves

I am waiting for me nerves to calm down. I know it will just take time. Time for me to trust T. Time for me to be confident and committed. Not have the fear in the back of my head that it could end at any moment.

I have an irrational fear of being left I know this. Abandonment and commitment issues. Im working on that. Knowing I can take on anything this world can through at me. Move past any pain that can be put on me and rise above it.

The color of morning

There is nothing else in this world like morning in Colorado. Calm, Cool and Crisp. By far the best time of day. A time when nothing can touch you but happiness and love. I am so grateful to be here right now. I needed this so badly.

Clarity

This is all i beg for. 2 women.

One I love, adore. Someone I know I can make a life with on my end. Know Logically we can make a beautiful modest life together. How ever she can be so mean, so unreliable.

THa other is just the image of a loving woman who wants me. Not much more then the sheer possibility for love.

I am not sure what I am suppose to do.

I told tricia that she has one more shot. One last chance. and if she hurts me again I am gone. So I guess I have 2 weeks to figure out if she is going to break my heart again or not. My guess is she will. And in 2 weeks It will be over. What else am I suppose to believe? What am I suppose to trust other then History?

I wish for love. Honest and simple. I want someone to rely on, count on, depend on. Thats all. Thats all I ask for. Friend, Lover, Relative, Sibling. Thanks all I want.

Someone for Everyone

This is not a theory I believe in. I think that there are some people in the world better suited to be alone. And people in the world who do not deserve love.

I also believe it is possible to love just about anyone. Finding a companion is more about finding someone that you can life in harmony with then someone that you burn with passion for. Now if this person has both those qualities, you are a lucky soul.

I look around and see people making there lives on there own. Content with there lives, no need for a partner. and I see people lonely in relationships. and those in between. Those who have made mistakes and lost their love. or who are too afraid to take a chance and isolate them selves from the world.

Freedom is another way of saying nothing left to lose

I ended it. Until Tricia can make me me as much of a priority as I have made her, I cannot continue this. If i am going to be in a relationship I deserve more. And I will not settle for less.

I do truly love her. And I know she can change her life. But she wont. She just wont balls the fuck up and do it.

Can I take it

If I chose to stay with this woman I have to admit she has a mental illness and that . I know I can live with mental illness. Its noting new to me.

But can I handle being in love with someone who changes so drastically. This is not a situation you can sit down with a pen and paper and make a pro vs con list because there is no points scale you can assign to something like the way you feel when you are with someone. How much it hurts when you don't trust them. Or the qualities they posses that you want in a person.

I am not ready to give up on this. This month is better then last, and if this is progressive in improving I can work with that. I might just have to learn to get busy for a week each month. I love her, and for 3 weeks each month its good. I am confident in how she feels and what she wants.

I may need to change my point of view. Know that when she is like this it will pass. And stay strong thru is, not get jealous or scared. Because she will be back in just a few days. Let the shit that she says roll off my back in this week of the month. I am gonna give it a little more time. If things continue to get better I will keep going. If we hit a wall then I will call it.

So as always try to go with how I feel. Little by little it will work out how it is supposed to. Maybe this will all teach me to not bend too much for someone else.

I feel like I am going crazy. I can t focus on anything. I am angry and irrational.

This woman drives me. I so rarely get angry and lately I am angry all the time. She is so wishy washy some times. I don't think she understands the concept of boundaries.

I feel used, betrayed and cheated on. And I have no right because I am the mistress. No matter how often she tells me I am not. Until she is out of his house I am.

This is the only place i have to say this stuff.

I ran away from work the other day and went to the pool. It was so nice. No one knew where I was. Put my head phones in and laied in the sun. I am defiantly doing that again soon with more water and some wine or something in my bag.

A friend wants to go to this place called the country club. Its a clothing optional pool in the back of a restaurant and bar. Almost all gay men and a few fag hags thrown in. Go drink Martinis and lay in the sun all day sounds so wonderfull.

i feel so used and neglected. I feel like a side dish. I know part of this is my own issues. I know that I have very rarely trusted that anyone wants to be around me and that this makes me very needy. I need a lot of reaffirmation. So I am being patient.

But I am always fucking patient. I want to be the weak one for a little while. I want to be taken care of for just a little while. I am tired of doing favors and taking care of everyone else god dammit. I would like some fucking recognition and dedication. a dam raise. my girlfriend showing up when she says she will.

Small details are the most important. Truth is in the details. Am I living up to my own standard. Am I being the person I want to be? What am I upset about. I think that she will never leave him. Why would anyone ever leave a comfortable life like that for one with me. My mother even said the same thing, Am I just a whore, an idiot or the fool like so many have told me I am.

I am writing out of anger, this is all much harsher then it will be in the morning.

I want consistency, consideration and appreciation. I want my world to end and start a new one. I want a rest. I want a life. I want truth.

I want her t want to be here and show up when she says she will. I want to shout. I want to be confidant and sure.

I want I want I want I want, all these things it seems other people are entitled to.

I want some comfort. I want a pile of 2 or 3 friends watching a movie in pajamas, cuddles up in cozy warmth and love.

Is this real, is this pretend?

I am not sure how I am feeling. Not tottaly any way.

I feel her pulling away, staying in the bog she has been living in.

Is this real, or is this just a fear of mine, coming back to rear its ugly head.

I have every right to doubt her on this. She has done it to me twice before.

There is nothing in her words that speaks of her staying.

Every word moving forward. Away from the dark waters of her past life with him

Yet still i doubt. Doubt she will be in my bed when she says she will.

Doubt she will keep our plans. Is it that I doubt her courage and strength?

Believe she will never have the nerve to fully leave him.

Or do I doubt anyone would ever love me. Doubt that I am good enough. Worthy enough.

My mothers first instinct on me dating her was you cant afford a woman and baby. As if this is the 50's and I am a man taking on a widow and her child. A woman would never hear of working in her life. Great message to send your kid mom. Hey your to broke for anyone to love you. Thanks.

I think I am being irrational at the moment. Maybe its the head cold and suddifed doing this to me.

I know I want a home and a family.

I know I am capable of making it on my own and surviving anything thrown my way.

I know I feel love for her

I know that we communicate on such a honest and wonderful level.

I know the sex is pretty good.

I know she loves me.

So damage is already done when it comes to our mutual friends. This is my decision and my relationship and I need to live it to my own thoughts and feelings. Make what ever mistake I am going to make on my own and reap what ever benefit is going to come my way from it.

I can only live up to my own standard and my own expectation. I will only be judged by me.

Everyone being pregnant sucks. I am so jealous.

Patience

Alright. I know I am the only one I can answer to on this. But I still need to say it.

I gave Tricia a few ultimatums, One that she had to leave Adam and 2 that she had to get her mood under control.

I am sticking to this.

Today she told me she ended it with Adam. Now I will believe it when I see it and it sticks. But the effort is appreciated.

And just because I voice this people think I am taking her back. No not yet there are still other requirements to fill.

And there is my answer

Yep she broke up with me. "I have decided I love him and want to stay with him" even though he is verbally abusive and yeah I like pussy.

What ever! I know who I am and what I want. And If I cant hold you to that same stranded, you don't deserve me. I am willing to fight for what I want, and work for it.

She is a cowered! She knows that she is not happy but she is willing to stay. Lovely. Not my responsibility any more.

I think I'm gonna go be a player for a while. Watch out ladies here I come.

I need a community

I need to find something to be a part of. I am a lonely person right now. And with Tricia pulling away, I need to reach out and build a family. The people who are so close to me are all so far away. I need support here.

I do not understand this woman. she can have 3 moods in 2 minutes. one text message can be lovey and sweet and the next is cold and snarky. If this ends up continuing she is going to have to get help for the mood swings. The more distant I am the more she wants me. I know I can learn to play her, pull every sting like a cello. But do I want to? I am highly adaptive, and can mold if i want to. But will playing her game leave me lacking in something? I have been trying to be supportive, she sees it as pushy. Ok so no more telling here I want to see her or that I care. I can do that. For now. I am sure in a few days she will be begging for attention again.

Am I holding on to this because I love her, because of everything I sacrificed for this, or because I am stubborn?

I do care for here very much. And I know that if she would just nut up and make changes, we could make a beautiful life together. She would have to have enough courage to make that change. She is so concerned over the financial security and this word "family". Her family unit as it is now is obviously not working. The baby is so stressed out she is ripping out chunks of her hair. Tricia is saying that she will always have a women in her life, and in order for Adam to accept that he has to have one to. Sounds even to me, but not something I want to be a part of. I have been very blunt about how I feel about Poly relationships and that it is a boundary of mine I will not let be crossed.

That type of relationship to me is so incomplete. No one in the whole unit gets everything they need. Someone always ends up unsatisfied. Everyone has to sacrifice large things. Not compromises that are necessary for any relationship to work, but give up whole pieces of what they want. For her fantasy to play out. I would have to give up wanting a family and a home with my partner. I will not sacrifice that.

She has spoken about wanting a home with me. Wanting to be away from him. I think she is just scared at the moment.

Back to the point, a community for me. I was watching Whip It yesterday, and she joins a roller durby team and finds all this love. And watching Glee I remember that feeling of being a part of something bigger then me. Something great. I am taking some time to think about something I would like to spend time doing, and would like to make bonds with people who are f a like mind even on just the one thing.

There is a running league here, they do scavenger hunts on their runs, except they are a drinking club with a running problem. That my problem with alot of the "group" activities here. So lets see what do I like to do?

Art

Exercise

Read (Boarders closes in a few days)

Write

Music

Be in the sun

Be home

Cook

I should get back in to the art market world. I am not feeling motivated or inspired. This is the point being an artist becomes a job. How do you build your motivation. Do you grab a big piece of paper and scribble till you loosen up? Recreate something you have already made? Having several of something to sell has been a challenge for me. But if I am not feeling anything new, perhaps recreating the old designs is the direction I should move in.

Yes thats the direction. Focus on the books that I made. Find something educational to listen to or watch while I do it.

Take Tricia one moment at a time. When I break I do, enjoy the moments. Take the world as it comes. And get my 401K rolling. So I feel like I am working for the future.

I feel like a Non Person right now. I feel so used and abused, unappreciated and pushed around. I am sitting at work, not even 10 am yet and I have had to explain 3 times why I am here on my day off. I no longer get holiday pay for what ever underhanded manipulative reason. Yes I work for peanuts, don't count as either opps or admin. It took me 6 months when i got this job to find out what my title was, still have never seen a job description despite asking for so long. Its like telling me you work your ass off but we don't care. I am so agrivated.

Between T breaking up wiht me and then wanting me back then telling me she wants to keep me and the man, and then more back and forth on her part on everything. and losing friends over her. I just wanna crawl in to a whole and eat cookies and cry. Except i have no appetite. I am making myself eat woo.

K no more bitching I gotta find the optamisum

I feel so stressed out, joyed, overwhelmed, loved, devastated, determined, scared, confused and clear all at the same time.

I feel so many things right now, they surface like waves in the ocean. Each new wave bringing up a new feeling. Churning, mixing and blurring the previous feeling. I have started this new journey with a wonderful woman I am falling madly in love with. Gaining so much in her and losing other things. Anything you gain in this world comes with a consequence. More money usually comes with less free time. Being thin comes with restrictions on what you can eat. Love comes with less time for other things. Being an artist alienates me from the world.

I am losing some of my free time. I feel like our friends that suspect us are pulling back. With them my mentor and my friend in pursuing art. There is an art market this weekend that this mentor has not mentioned to me. In the past she has been so supportive of me getting out there. She has told me about markets I didn't know about. I don't want to lose this small art community I have just started to build.

She is in a difficult place and I am trying to be supportive and positive for her. I have voiced my own concerns and now I want to be there for her. From he side of the story the man she is trying to leave is being a giant dick and spit on her this morning. I am staying out of their drama and away from him. I am just listening to her.

I feel everything, all this stress and confusion is going to be worth it. I think we have a shot of life. I know I should be living in the moment, and for the moment. The zen thing to to is to not plan, not worry about the future. But with out a goal I am lost in the world. Everything gets out of control. How are you suppose to live for the moment when you are paycheck to paycheck. How are you suppose to accomplish the things that are needed for life, like laundry, work, dishes when you are not suppose to be looking forward.

I need goals. I want a career, which is happily on a good course. I want a home, I want love and a family. I don't think this is too much to shoot for and I think I need to have this dream in my sight to get through being broke and get thru being secretive right now.

I have always had a mixture of being a commitment fobe and jumping in to fast being impulsive. Maybe this is all happening this way so I have to take it slow, not jump in to fast and scare myself so I run away.

I feel alive right now, as scared and confused as I am. I feel like I am not just sleep walking thru the motions. I feel like I am here to experience, not just here out of obligation. For so long I have been living because there was no other option. The thing that motivated me were gray and dull. I work to survive. I created art to make the world colorful. And to feel. I sold the art because it was overrunning my house. I desperately reached out for a connection to anything and anyone. Just to feel something, some love some connection. Then I pulled back when I couldn't reach out anymore.

I have been in autopilot and obligation mode for so long I had forgotten there is another way. There is doing thing not just to fill time, not just to spend it. But to invest it. Do things because they create joy. I am no longer just killing time till something ends this thing I called life. I am living. All these emotions I had blocked out for so long are overwhelming. I have been numb, depressed and just going thru the motions for so long. I had moments of enjoyment but nothing worth calling joy.

I enjoyed my coffee, and the feeling of being alone in my home. Of freedom. I was not alive I was just living.

The moment I came out the world turned around. I stopped wishing I would get hit by a bus so it would be over. I stopped pushing everyone away. I made a choice to be alive and that one choice has changed so much for me. I see things clearer then I have in a while. I see a future where before it was blank. I accomplished my greatest life goal the day I graduated form college. That was as far as I had ever dreamed before. And when it was over so was my reason. Reason for life. I have wandered since. Feeling trapped, trying to find who I was again. I could no longer be that dedicated, headstrong person with a goal. I had no goal. So I floated. Taking what ever opportunity that struck me at the time. With no future in sight, no plan, no goal.

I pray that this is not just a temporary break from the gray rain I have been living in. I have had a few blue sky days, moments, and weeks in the past few years. Nothing that was lasting. I pray that the storm is ending. That telling the world I am gay, and letting myself live the way I have felt for so long will change the gray I lived in for so long.

Please let this continue. Please let me continue to be alive. I will work for it, I will fight for it. If my future is with Tricia or if she is just temporary to teach me, I see a future to work for. I see a life worth being alive for. Not just a life I am living for the sake of others.

Not sure how I am suppose to find the hours in the day to do everything........

Fuck, Fuck, Im a cheater and I am caught. Fuck.