Is this real, is this pretend?

I am not sure how I am feeling. Not tottaly any way.

I feel her pulling away, staying in the bog she has been living in.

Is this real, or is this just a fear of mine, coming back to rear its ugly head.

I have every right to doubt her on this. She has done it to me twice before.

There is nothing in her words that speaks of her staying.

Every word moving forward. Away from the dark waters of her past life with him

Yet still i doubt. Doubt she will be in my bed when she says she will.

Doubt she will keep our plans. Is it that I doubt her courage and strength?

Believe she will never have the nerve to fully leave him.

Or do I doubt anyone would ever love me. Doubt that I am good enough. Worthy enough.

My mothers first instinct on me dating her was you cant afford a woman and baby. As if this is the 50's and I am a man taking on a widow and her child. A woman would never hear of working in her life. Great message to send your kid mom. Hey your to broke for anyone to love you. Thanks.

I think I am being irrational at the moment. Maybe its the head cold and suddifed doing this to me.

I know I want a home and a family.

I know I am capable of making it on my own and surviving anything thrown my way.

I know I feel love for her

I know that we communicate on such a honest and wonderful level.

I know the sex is pretty good.

I know she loves me.

So damage is already done when it comes to our mutual friends. This is my decision and my relationship and I need to live it to my own thoughts and feelings. Make what ever mistake I am going to make on my own and reap what ever benefit is going to come my way from it.

I can only live up to my own standard and my own expectation. I will only be judged by me.