3 Weeks

Been keeping my mouth shut for 3 weeks not. The truth is nothing really has changed other then now we are having an affair. A secret. She is staying with that cowered of a man. Truth is, I don't think I want to keep her as mine. I think that just being friends would be the best for us, for me. this i am keeping to myself for now too. At-least till I settle on it fully in mind before I tell her. I don't want to go in to something like this half-hearted. Best to do it with a solid conviction.

I do love her, and want to keep her in my life, but don't see us having a successful partner relationship at this point. Its always possible that that could change. Currently she is not speaking to me and I don't know why. I think it is insanely childish and it reminds me that I prefer butch women for a reason, or women who tend to be less "Girly". Like most of the female friends I have. No the girls who play games.

I also know that I enjoy my freedom, and my solitude. I can very quickly get clingy, however it makes me crazy and restless. I need more of a balance then I have had. I need to learn to take care of myself and my needs before I take care of everyone and everything else. Or I am useless to anyone. The world may see me as acting selfish for this, but I need it. And yes I do need to be more selfish right now.

There are moments of utter peace and moments of panic when I think of this. Loosing her. Moving on. I cling to the peace and breath thru the panic. I know after tonight it will be Sunday before we can see each other. That may be the best thing for me right now. And the fact that she is not speaking to me is giving me mental space from the constant texting we usually do.

I feel better after putting this down. Organizing my thoughts on it.