T and I are supposed to talk tonight. I can fall back in the pattern of 2 weeks of wonderfulness. A fast hard crash where she breaks up with me and then 2 weeks of fighting, anxiety, 2 weeks of feeling used, abused and unappreciated. So what do I do? Cutting her off completely apparently is not an option for me. I just cant seem to ignore her. Probably because I don't want to.
Do I continue dating her, just with a big step back? No more talk of moving in, no more spending nights. Pox her up in my head in the friends with benefits restrictions. No thoughts of a future together, no want to progress. I wonder if I can do that.
Do I walk away? and if so HOW? I don't know if I am strong enough to ignore her. She is so persistent. She will call, text, email and eventually confront me. I love her and miss her when we are apart so how do I cut her off?
I realize at this point if I continue this relationship, I cant talk about it to really anyone. Everyone is over hearing the drama. Seeing me hurt, seeing me let someone hurt me. And I hear that. Part of me is screaming in my head that I am a fucking idiot. But I am not lonely with her. I feel loved. And connected. I'm waiting for her to deal the dam cards so i can play my hand. What ever one I get.
My friend Jehmal got back to town. He has been gone a month. Him being here makes me feel calmer. Happier in a relationship that I cannot totally rely on. I don't know if it is because he is a perpetual bachelor and completely content in it. Or if its that I have a buddy. Even if we are not close. I feel more grateful for my little apartment, my independence and self reliance since he has been back.
SOme times I sit and think what do I want. The answer changes. But what doesn't change is that I want People. I want to build a family. Have people here I can rely on. I have so many wonderful people that love me, but they are far away. I need to build that here.
Do
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