i wish i had the passion for any one thing. i feel that is something that i lack some times. in the past their have been times when i had so much focus for something. mostly just my education. and thru it all. stress, midterms, being broke. i still had the goal. that dream of getting a degree. now i feel like i am just wandering. some days feel like living this life for another 60 years is too long. some times not long enough. i want a goal. a reason to keep pressing forward.
my career feels like its at a waiting point. waiting for someone to move on so i can move up. i realize that every situation in life has some form of bullshit built in, even when you try to eliminate all the bull shit and drama you in up with the shit of an emptiness, a lonlyness. i am very tired of the divas and the politics behind having to prove my self again and again in a male dominated field.
no situation and no one is perfect. i understand this and i know that there are always compromises to be made. but i am tired of it right now. tired of turning tables, uncertainty, boarded, struggling, being broke.
today is day 3 in a long weekend. i know i needed it. half of one day i spent with t the others i have been alone. good thinking time. quiet time. not that i have a fucking clue what i am doing, or want to be doing. before i go to bed every night i ask myself what do i want. and the answer varys. some night i want for nothing. some nights ice cream, or to be beautiful. some nights for financial stability. but none of those are legitimate goals. the financial stability i hope some day i will earn, but that is not a goal on its own. it comes with a job and good decisions.
i consider myself pretty blessed. i am independent, making my ends meet. have good friends, granted they are far away. i love the city i live in and most days love my job. yet in all this all the accomplishments i have ever made, there is a darkness underneath. a loneliness an emptiness i have never been able to pin point. i consider myself a relatively happy person yet i can not remember a time in my life i have felt............light. interlay happy. i don't know if this is a silly thing to want to feel. because with the good comes the bad. and every night has a day. but i want to be content, not complacent and not manic. between board and stressed. in a comfortable jogging pase. not moving faster then comfortable but still moving briskly enough for a challenge.
who knows maybe i just don't know how to live contently. maybe i need the drama, pain to feel normal. maybe i seek out these people who are not as good to me as people tell me i deserve. or maybe i just wine to much and make bad things seem worse then they are. im not sure how to gage that. it seems that that is a matter of opinion so by nature can never be proved or disproved.
its very possible that being locked in my house for 2 days i may just need some love. a hug or a dog to sit on my feet. i don't feel lonely while reading unless the character is lonly. i am content to listen to podcasts and walk alone. but when i stop, when i get board it all crashes back over me. and accounting is not stimulating enought to my brain to keep me engaged. i don't want to even think its time for a new job because i love my boys so much. more then they know. they are more important to me then employes to a boss. they are my motivation for work, my friends. even if they barley know me.
i think this is one reason i hold so tight to t even though i know not everything she does or is i agree with. because she knows me. sees me. and i don't want to lose that. i just wish she could make up her mind in what ever direction. just be my friend or stop hurting Adam.
i think i need a change, a goal something to get my mind moving in a forward direction.
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