i feel so used and neglected. I feel like a side dish. I know part of this is my own issues. I know that I have very rarely trusted that anyone wants to be around me and that this makes me very needy. I need a lot of reaffirmation. So I am being patient.

But I am always fucking patient. I want to be the weak one for a little while. I want to be taken care of for just a little while. I am tired of doing favors and taking care of everyone else god dammit. I would like some fucking recognition and dedication. a dam raise. my girlfriend showing up when she says she will.

Small details are the most important. Truth is in the details. Am I living up to my own standard. Am I being the person I want to be? What am I upset about. I think that she will never leave him. Why would anyone ever leave a comfortable life like that for one with me. My mother even said the same thing, Am I just a whore, an idiot or the fool like so many have told me I am.

I am writing out of anger, this is all much harsher then it will be in the morning.

I want consistency, consideration and appreciation. I want my world to end and start a new one. I want a rest. I want a life. I want truth.

I want her t want to be here and show up when she says she will. I want to shout. I want to be confidant and sure.

I want I want I want I want, all these things it seems other people are entitled to.

I want some comfort. I want a pile of 2 or 3 friends watching a movie in pajamas, cuddles up in cozy warmth and love.