I feel so stressed out, joyed, overwhelmed, loved, devastated, determined, scared, confused and clear all at the same time.

I feel so many things right now, they surface like waves in the ocean. Each new wave bringing up a new feeling. Churning, mixing and blurring the previous feeling. I have started this new journey with a wonderful woman I am falling madly in love with. Gaining so much in her and losing other things. Anything you gain in this world comes with a consequence. More money usually comes with less free time. Being thin comes with restrictions on what you can eat. Love comes with less time for other things. Being an artist alienates me from the world.

I am losing some of my free time. I feel like our friends that suspect us are pulling back. With them my mentor and my friend in pursuing art. There is an art market this weekend that this mentor has not mentioned to me. In the past she has been so supportive of me getting out there. She has told me about markets I didn't know about. I don't want to lose this small art community I have just started to build.

She is in a difficult place and I am trying to be supportive and positive for her. I have voiced my own concerns and now I want to be there for her. From he side of the story the man she is trying to leave is being a giant dick and spit on her this morning. I am staying out of their drama and away from him. I am just listening to her.

I feel everything, all this stress and confusion is going to be worth it. I think we have a shot of life. I know I should be living in the moment, and for the moment. The zen thing to to is to not plan, not worry about the future. But with out a goal I am lost in the world. Everything gets out of control. How are you suppose to live for the moment when you are paycheck to paycheck. How are you suppose to accomplish the things that are needed for life, like laundry, work, dishes when you are not suppose to be looking forward.

I need goals. I want a career, which is happily on a good course. I want a home, I want love and a family. I don't think this is too much to shoot for and I think I need to have this dream in my sight to get through being broke and get thru being secretive right now.

I have always had a mixture of being a commitment fobe and jumping in to fast being impulsive. Maybe this is all happening this way so I have to take it slow, not jump in to fast and scare myself so I run away.

I feel alive right now, as scared and confused as I am. I feel like I am not just sleep walking thru the motions. I feel like I am here to experience, not just here out of obligation. For so long I have been living because there was no other option. The thing that motivated me were gray and dull. I work to survive. I created art to make the world colorful. And to feel. I sold the art because it was overrunning my house. I desperately reached out for a connection to anything and anyone. Just to feel something, some love some connection. Then I pulled back when I couldn't reach out anymore.

I have been in autopilot and obligation mode for so long I had forgotten there is another way. There is doing thing not just to fill time, not just to spend it. But to invest it. Do things because they create joy. I am no longer just killing time till something ends this thing I called life. I am living. All these emotions I had blocked out for so long are overwhelming. I have been numb, depressed and just going thru the motions for so long. I had moments of enjoyment but nothing worth calling joy.

I enjoyed my coffee, and the feeling of being alone in my home. Of freedom. I was not alive I was just living.

The moment I came out the world turned around. I stopped wishing I would get hit by a bus so it would be over. I stopped pushing everyone away. I made a choice to be alive and that one choice has changed so much for me. I see things clearer then I have in a while. I see a future where before it was blank. I accomplished my greatest life goal the day I graduated form college. That was as far as I had ever dreamed before. And when it was over so was my reason. Reason for life. I have wandered since. Feeling trapped, trying to find who I was again. I could no longer be that dedicated, headstrong person with a goal. I had no goal. So I floated. Taking what ever opportunity that struck me at the time. With no future in sight, no plan, no goal.

I pray that this is not just a temporary break from the gray rain I have been living in. I have had a few blue sky days, moments, and weeks in the past few years. Nothing that was lasting. I pray that the storm is ending. That telling the world I am gay, and letting myself live the way I have felt for so long will change the gray I lived in for so long.

Please let this continue. Please let me continue to be alive. I will work for it, I will fight for it. If my future is with Tricia or if she is just temporary to teach me, I see a future to work for. I see a life worth being alive for. Not just a life I am living for the sake of others.