Complacency

What do I want to be when I grow up? I am very complacent in my job at the moment. It is the SLOW time at work and that makes it even harder. I prefer being busy. I'm not sure what I want to be doing for work but I know I am board out of my mind right now.

I am also home sick as hell. I want to be back in Denver or Santa Fe so much. It might just be the heat because I feel homesick for the fall here too.

There has been a lot of drama lately and I am run down.

Life can be so crazy some times. More latter

taking a week off of the running. I hurt my foot a few weeks back and its getting worse.

Defiantly back on the diet. I have gained too much weight.

Week 1 Day 3 WOOO

On the last day of the week. Woo gotta keep going in to week 2 and then 3 and so on.

Time to keep my head up. do what ever job is needed of me and keep going. Maybe today I will get some answers.

Week one day two

woooo go me for one more day. Just gotta keep it Up. today's was a min and 30 sec faster then Tuesday.  Woo. My feet and legs are sore but I will move past it. Also I will be walking the hash tonight. I need to be wearing heels friday and saturday nights so my feet are gonna need some love sunday.

in other news. It still hasn't been made official what is happening with my job, but I am most certain I will not be going back to the kitchen. Yesterday the restaurant director asked me where I would like to go with my career in HOB, and what I would like to be doing now. I started with that I love my job and that I know it is ending. That I am still a little shocked and saddened by the news. and her I cried. then we went on to talk about bar management and restaurant management. I asked her flat out last week if she was trying to take me with all this. and she smiled and said maybe and walked away. After we talked she said don't take it personal and dont worry we will find the right place for you.

so I have a big project in straightening out the MIcros and the back office system for inventory to keep me busy and distracted while this is all working its way out. I am MOD for 3 shifts next week and I am kinda functioning as her assistant at the moment. At least I still have a paycheck.

and as i am writing this Tricia text messages me. Crazy Bitch I wonder how long I have to Ignore her before she goes away.

Doin it! Week one Day one.

I started the Couch to 5k program again today. Did it on my way to work. Really its New Orleans, me getting here sweaty is nothing new, and I have to gt to work some how, might as well run it. It takes 15 min longer then  the bus. So no biggie. other then the blood blister on my big toe. Boo why do I always get that. Hopefully I will just build a callus against it.

Now where the stress and panic factor in. We have a new Executive Sous Chef. Biggest dirt bag title ever. Yes out sous is incompetent and out Exec is MIA. So we need the leadership, blah blah blah. I am down for more management our kitchen needs it. BUT the National Chef the big boy is in town and thinks my position should not exist as it is. He thinks it should go back to what it was. Just signing and putting shit away. So for this week I have been booted out of my office. The supervisors and Exec Sous are learning how to do my job. Purchasing and invoicing and such. So this week I am linking all of the back office files to the Micros system. because there is no connection and it is making our inventory all weird.

After this week, I have no idea what my job will entail. or of I will have a job at all for that matter. So I am doing what I am asked, and working with very little direction. Trying to not panic. Fuck if I could have worked this job for 2 years I could find a job in any restaurant. Now I am just a dabbler. Abby the Rest Director seems to want to keep me. So I will work my ass off for her this week and hope that pays off.

Fat

So I am officially back to the heaviest #'s. How ever I am still 2 dress sizes from my heaviest. cant tell ya how that one works. I am totally out of shape. I have 9 weeks till I have 3 5k runs in one weekend. I need to start running NOW to be able to do this with out killing myself. I tried to take a run with the dog. she was not having it at all. poor little thing can not run. so i need to figure a way to get my run in and her walk and still have time to sleep and socialize and of course work. maybe i will just start running to work and change when i get here. its worth a try at least.

I don't want to do the diet thing. I don't want to get back to a place where i am obsessed with counting calories and scrutinizing everything i eat. i think if i just keep my exerciser at a healthy level i wont have to resort to that. i don't care about being skinny, but i do want to move better and have more energy.

i wonder what its like to not have this as one of the main things you think about and struggle with. i know everybody has something that they struggle with. i just wonder what its like to have a different struggle.

Constant chaos and movement masks my lonely heart.
deep down in side i am screaming for a real connection
someone to know me, someone to love me.
someone to understand and comfort me.
my soul longs for someone to be with.
i love love and i miss love, real love
not only romantic but family love
long time friend, knows you without speaking love
The things in side no one is seeing are still there
the empty place in my heart, an anxiety that none of it will last
Queens somebody to love is on constant repeat in my head.
my single state recently has been supplemented and filled by new friends.
potentiol long term friends, but so many of them that none of them know me.
I want people to rely on. i want people who are as willing to take care of me when needed as i am to take care of them.

I am fat and out of shape.
My house is dirty
My dog needs her nails trimmed
my bank account is small.

i need to pull my shit together.

i need a good long cry and someone to hold me.

i love how being social feels like sugar melting on your tong, i need some nourishment. not just a short term sugar high.

Grumpy

I am grumpy lately. Stupid people are getting under my skin. Also I feel honorably fat. I gained everything back that I had lost after leaving Jeana. Kept it all off thru Tricia but once I broke up with her and thru Susan I fell off my little diet and oversize wagon. I need to walk to work more and ride my bike and the bus less. Just little changes. But I am so exhausted it is a hard change. Gonna do it. Need to.

Aside from feeling fat right now. I think I am getting to the point my head and heart are ready to start thinking about dating again.

Depression is a Curse

A stupid, pointless weak state of being. I don't see any reason for it other then a curse. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. Or cry and scream and rage.

home sick and lonly. there we go. thats the feeling. or part of it atleast. I miss my family

I am trying to figure out how i feel right now. I never got the chance to write my letter to Jeana on here. Hopefully I will soon. I slept in today with Chief, made groceries and came home. Ate a little and laid dawn for a nap. I woke up feeling horrible. My stomach is upset and I have a headache that is making me dizzy. Pulse I have this feeling in my heart I had a year ago. After Tricia broke up with me one of those too many times. We were laying in the park and she was appologizing. Its this deep uneasy betrayed feeling. Maybe I woke from a dream while I napped that speared that feeling. It shouldn't be Chief he has done nothing wrong.

We went to a peep show last night with friends and he stayed with me. Good sex, lots of cuddling sleep in. All that is just fine. It is causing me a slight bit of anxiety, the whole I am gay and sleeping with a man thing. and the fact that we have not been very carful.

I think my time frame, sleeping, eating and such not being on schedule is fucking with my mood. I have to work tonight from 10 to midnight for inventory. I feel like I wasted a day. Don't et me wrong. cuddling with Chief for hours was wonderful and I did need to rest. Still do I think. But I always feel guilty when I don't gogogogogogo all day. I am not good at relaxing. and I think I am not as good at being alone right now as I use to be. I think I need a good cry. So much has changed and happened in the past few weeks. I think a little release would be good for me.

From Susan's Facebook

"when you fall inlove, it is a temporary madness. it erupts like an earth quake and then it subsides. and when it subsides, you have to make a decision. you have to work out whether your roots are to become some what entwined together, that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. because this is what love is. love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not lying awake at night imagining that she is kissing every part of your body. no...dont blush. i am telling you some truths. for that is just being inlove, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. love itself is what is left over when being inlove has burned away..."

I dissagree. Being 'Inlove" can last a life time. I have seen old couples in parks and at restaurants who still look longingly in to each others eyes. I believe lust is what she is talking about. and when that LUST subsides enough to see clearly in a relationship you need communication, and warmth to sustain the conniction. Passion can be life long. Sex and talking is not just got the first few weeks of a relationship.

And I will not settle for less or take all of the blame in this. She can blame me. But I will not accept it all. I know I am seeking out feeling wanted sexually right now and that does have to do with her not wanting me. At least in part.

I have to say, as disappointing as last night was, or should have been. I have just written it off to how I believe most men are. All the text messages were so wonderful, romantic, dirty, slow, and carring. But when it comes down to it. He is just another primitive beast. My friend yes. But a beast focused on the target. Hey at least I can say I have tried it. And I guess it wasn't so bad. Not nearly as satisfying or interesting as eating pussy, but then again I am a lesbian.

I find it interesting the double standers our society has. A straight woman can fool around with women now and then and she is still straight and accepted. How ever a Gay woman sleeping with a man is viewed as a betrayal, as not a real lesbian. I have to admit I am a little guilt of this double standard myself. I watched Chasing Amy a week or 2 ago. I got so irate that she would betray her Gay identity and form this sexual, committed relationship with a man. So maybe thats what this is all supposed to show me. I am more fluid and so is the world. No I don't attach to men. But can admit I am attracted to them the same way straight women are attracted to the bombshell they encounter. I know that there are alot of people in the lesbian community who would be disgusted by this. But if they are it is not someone I want in my life anyway. I want openminded evolved people in my life.

I am not saying I am done with this selfish boy, because I very much enjoy the teasing on text message, the attention of it and the creativity of it. Perhaps he is just like Chris, wonderful at the text, IM and phone stuff, but totally inept with human beings. Maybe to him I am a different person when we text. I know he is a little different to me. His flaws fade and he can become a fantasy person. And no how wonderful truth is, it will never match the fantisy. even it surpasses the fantasy it is still slightly a let down.

Confused and Lonly

I got the job, and I am thrilled. So ready for a challenge and a change. But someone who is suppose to be my good friend didn't want to go celebrate with me last night, on top of i heard she had been spreading rumors about me. sucks. So yes I am lonely. I miss having good friends around me. I have so much love and Wonderful friends far away. I don't want to make new ones. I want mine with me.

I went out with the hashers last night instead and that was great. I think that this will be a place I can make some real friends, and some acquaintances. And hopefully one really close friend.

Now we get to the confused part. I have a great male friend. Turns out he is in love with me. I already kinda knew this. Knew he was attracted to me and that he loved me. My mother always warned me men cant separate love from in love. But I am confused. I am attracted to. I feel like I can understand a straight woman wanting to try being with a woman every now and then. But shouldn't a lesbian be more black and white. Know herself better then that?

Is this because of my biological clock? Loneliness? Sexual Frustration? And the desire to be desired. The attention is wonderful. I don't know if the sex would be worth risking the friendship. I have never enjoyed sex with men. But never slept with one man more then twice. And really Kevin wasn't at all about pleasing me. Or anyone but himself. And with Jehmal and Gene I was drunk. But then again I have never been able to sleep with a man sober. I wish we could just get to the kiss part so I could make a better decision of if I wanted it to move further. He does want me to give him head, yes we have been sexting with wonderful detail, and I don't know how i feel about the whole sucking cock thing. Never done it. or I might have with Jehmal but once again I was drunk. I told him we need to spend some time together alone and see what happens.

All of this he is the ex of the friend who didn't want to go out with me last night and has been spreading rumors. Girl rule is you don't mess with friends ex's but more sacred should be you don't gossip and lie about your friends. I need to distance myself from her again anyway. He also wants to keep us a secret so "people don't get jealous" meaning Meg. She is still really hung up on him and is not moving forward.

I have the fear and desire of getting pregnant with him. We would make a beautiful awkward brilliant and most likely autistic child. He has asbergers and I well you know what kind of weird I am. But I don't mind a child with leaning differences. Mine have made me better for it. Not that I can raise a kid alone and have no intention of this friends with benefits thing becoming a relationship. huh now that I wrote that, maybe this can just be a friend who I occasionally sleep with. Might not be a bad thing for me.

I miss you, wish we could share a beautiful few glasses of bourbon. I could cry I am so lonely.

I got my keys back. Silly little thing. But it seems that my leaving susan forced her to hit rock bottom faster then she would have other wise, and she got herself in rehab. Im glad for it. If that was my purpose n her life i feel i fulfilled it. I hope she takes care of herself after this. She said she has been sober a week. She said that she has been sick as hell with detoxing.

She told me i have a lot to work on, and tonight mo told me I push people away when they get to close. I think the truth is mo pushed me away when I wanted to be closer. i broke up with him after he refused to talk to me about me moving there. And I broke up with susan when she pushed me away. Am I being delusional? Projecting my insecurities on them or are they doing it to me? Either way I know I need a creature to put this need to take care of on to and a dog is just the perfect outlet for that. I need to get myself under control in the eating department. I know it is my addiction, but unlike drugs of alcohol you cant go cold turkey. Can't ever give it up totally.

Each one of them I love in their own way and they will always have a place in my heart. Doesn't mean they have a place in my life.

Love

What is this thing called love? it makes us act crazy.

I know that I have gotten to a point that I am acting crazy and I also realize that the cause of this crazy is not being addressed. I want attention from my girlfriend. I would like to get fucked, talk and cuddle. I don't want to get attacked every time I say I miss you.

If this is not dealt with it will end us. this is not the firs time we have had this fight, but it will be the last. The same fight keeps happening when the problem is not addressed. I will not put this aside and wait for it to pop up again.

I love her, and need to be treated like a priority. I am lonely in this relationship and stressed by the fighting so might as well be lonely and not stressed out. I don't even want to say hello.

I was so certain

I was sure this girl is the one that I can make life with. What changed? She is in my bead peacefully snoring a way, and I am sitting here watching her doubting her. Why? Stupid romantic comedy we went to last night. Makes you expect things that just don't exist. I find myself wishing to just go it alone, take one of the boys up on their offer of a "good Fucking" get pregnant and do the rest on my own. oh why does money make this if not impossible, incredibly difficult.

Maybe this doubt will pass soon, Maybe I will be certain of her again. And if not this break up is going to be ever worse then the one with T. Susan will not accept me leaving her gracefuly. 2 days ago I was ready to move in with her. What happened?

Could this all be because of the drinking? I think it might be. I don;t know how much she drinks, because we are only together 2 nights a week. last night she had just one, but that was all that was avalible. If we had 3 bottles of wine with us would she have drank them all? I just don't know. And until I do. I cant move forward with her.

Thank god for Jenn coming today. I need the distraction and clarity of someone who loves me, has been there with me and for me, and I the same for her.

I am fat as hell right now. But I will worry about that after Jenn leaves.

I think the stress of it all if making me totally crack. i have cried so hard twice in the past week that i hysterically slipped in to laughter.

Deja Vu is the universe telling you somthing

But what the hell is that something right now. It started yesterday with the word settle i typed in to a text message sitting in the stair well crying. Just a standard deja vu. where just know you have seen this before but let it go, and think ok i am suppose to be here. This morning when I woke up it was the feeling of doing this before, the familiar I am in a different morning. I had had a dream about a friend i hadn't seen in about a year the other night and this morning he gets on the bus with me. Neither of us usually ride the bus. What did he have to tell me that the universe put him here for? did i ruin it by talking too much. we talked about moving to algeirs point. maybe this was confirmation that is the step i need to make. the first 2 were a get ready here comes the message?

Grumpy

Ok reasons i am grumpy today.

rain

had plans to hang with Sue last night, fell thru

she isent answering me today which means this is the 3rd day of school she is sleeping thru

i want some time at home alone

work- the inventory system is down...... and a support band for thursday are being divas. TWAT you are a support band for a show that isent selling that well, no I will not buy you ciggerets. I wont do it for anyone, my girlfriend, my friend or a totally sold out show that I am in love with the drummer. FUCK OFF.

I wonder how much st johns wort i can take in a day?

this relationship moved so fucking fast that we barrly had a infatuation period now we are in to me nagging and her being a out all night boys night kinda person. ok 2 days i havent seen her. i am probably blowing this out of proportion. I shoulda had chocolate for breakfast.

Weird Week

So it has been a long week and a weird one at that. i should have written this down earlier because now i am going to lose feelings and details. so first the bullet points

monday

dee shows up WOO

sue gets mad at me because her friend renee was hitting on me apparently

horay start the birthday week

tuesday

dee and larry become my house guests

i become sues house guest

wed

birthday

dinner with friends and 3 drinks, decide i have been drinking too much and it is fucking with my mood.

Boss falls off a ladder.

thursday

2nd birthday, too many plans

the hash wins because they had a "Birthday Surprise" for me

hashers caked me

friday

Susan's birthday-dinner, painting class, drinking, and because of drinking fight about renee

saturday

start taking st johns wort- I feel so much better

lay around most the day

sunday-now

ok so i am not sure why sue is worried about renee, i don't know if she is a known girlfriend steal-er or what. but we were doing nothing wrong just talking. but this has come up a few times now so i need to sit with sue and talk about this. we only bicker, fight or argue when liquor is involved and since it was our birthday week we had 2 moments of conflict. and because i am a commitment phobe or because i am a fatalist i always think any fight is the end of the relationship so i am a bit numb to how i feel about susan right now.

having dee in town is great and i am getting more use to having them in my house. i was completely overwhelmed and stressed out about it at the beginning of the week. but now that i am in it its not so bad. i am starting to worry that they will still be here when jenn comes to visit feb 15th. not sure what i will do if it comes to that but it shouldn't and i might loose my shit if bee is living with me for a month. well larry is more the issue. he is a nice guy and all but 2 girls in a small space is different then 2 girls and a man.

so since my mood has been all over the place i decided to start taking st johns wort again and within a hour i felt so much calmer, clearer. i was so overwhelmed and my feelings were hurt over small things. i haven't let go of the fact that i haven't had sex in a week despite spending about every night with my girlfriend, but it has been a stressful week, so this week is not a determining factor of how much she drinks normally, how much we will have sex, blah blah, blah. point. i am not making any decisions based on this week. and the no sex and no masturbation because my house has no privacy. i am loosing my cookies just a little bit. i am tempted to take my vibrator in the car since that is the only time i am ever alone other then right now at work and that would be bad.

why after being so sure of loving susan am i all the sudden doubting the relationship. i think i must be crazy for how fast my moods change.

ok more latter

I will not fuck this up. I will not sabotage myself out of this great relationship. She loves me, and is not going to drop me without thought. Things can be good. there does not need to be drama or struggle. Like so many women I think i am making issues where there don't need to be any.

Susan is a beautiful human being and I will treat her right.

I have been seeing some patterns repeating in this relationship that happened in the last except S is in my place and I am the shumch in T's. Its very possible that I am projecting this on to this relationship because I don't believe I deserve love, or because blah blah blah psychological dribble.

I am the one constantly going after her. I am the one having mood swings. I think it is behavior I learned and need to reeducate myself on. the way T treated me was unexceptable and I will not perpetuate the cycle. I will break it.

Susan is not a emotive person. she does not gush or lavish verbally how she feels. that does not make it any less true. She loves me. Truly loves me and treats me well. focus on that. she is not going to backstab me like people in the past have. she is not going to use me.

I will not run her away by freaking out on her. I have done this early on in all my relationships. Acted crazy and drove people away, or they stayed thru it. Its passes. however I recognize the pattern. So it is time to change it. Now. No more panicking. No more freaking out for no reason. I will not run off someone wonderful. God help me that I haven't done too much damage already. and thank god she loves me, so she wont just drop me.

Time to pull my shit together. Now. not just in this relationship. At work, in my eating and exercise. I know I need to stick to a routine. I know that I can not let myself slip. I get too out of control if I do. I need to get up in the morning, clean my dam house, take a run, eat something healthy. and pull my shit together!

I am hoping that when she is hanging out with her friend tonight she doesn't tell the friend tat i am bat shit crazy. I don't want her friends hating me for this. I am better then this. I am a better person then this. and I will prove it.

my brain and body are not getting enough stimulation right now. I think that is a big part of the problem. so more running. more reading.