I was so certain

I was sure this girl is the one that I can make life with. What changed? She is in my bead peacefully snoring a way, and I am sitting here watching her doubting her. Why? Stupid romantic comedy we went to last night. Makes you expect things that just don't exist. I find myself wishing to just go it alone, take one of the boys up on their offer of a "good Fucking" get pregnant and do the rest on my own. oh why does money make this if not impossible, incredibly difficult.

Maybe this doubt will pass soon, Maybe I will be certain of her again. And if not this break up is going to be ever worse then the one with T. Susan will not accept me leaving her gracefuly. 2 days ago I was ready to move in with her. What happened?

Could this all be because of the drinking? I think it might be. I don;t know how much she drinks, because we are only together 2 nights a week. last night she had just one, but that was all that was avalible. If we had 3 bottles of wine with us would she have drank them all? I just don't know. And until I do. I cant move forward with her.

Thank god for Jenn coming today. I need the distraction and clarity of someone who loves me, has been there with me and for me, and I the same for her.

I am fat as hell right now. But I will worry about that after Jenn leaves.

I think the stress of it all if making me totally crack. i have cried so hard twice in the past week that i hysterically slipped in to laughter.