I will not fuck this up. I will not sabotage myself out of this great relationship. She loves me, and is not going to drop me without thought. Things can be good. there does not need to be drama or struggle. Like so many women I think i am making issues where there don't need to be any.

Susan is a beautiful human being and I will treat her right.

I have been seeing some patterns repeating in this relationship that happened in the last except S is in my place and I am the shumch in T's. Its very possible that I am projecting this on to this relationship because I don't believe I deserve love, or because blah blah blah psychological dribble.

I am the one constantly going after her. I am the one having mood swings. I think it is behavior I learned and need to reeducate myself on. the way T treated me was unexceptable and I will not perpetuate the cycle. I will break it.

Susan is not a emotive person. she does not gush or lavish verbally how she feels. that does not make it any less true. She loves me. Truly loves me and treats me well. focus on that. she is not going to backstab me like people in the past have. she is not going to use me.

I will not run her away by freaking out on her. I have done this early on in all my relationships. Acted crazy and drove people away, or they stayed thru it. Its passes. however I recognize the pattern. So it is time to change it. Now. No more panicking. No more freaking out for no reason. I will not run off someone wonderful. God help me that I haven't done too much damage already. and thank god she loves me, so she wont just drop me.

Time to pull my shit together. Now. not just in this relationship. At work, in my eating and exercise. I know I need to stick to a routine. I know that I can not let myself slip. I get too out of control if I do. I need to get up in the morning, clean my dam house, take a run, eat something healthy. and pull my shit together!

I am hoping that when she is hanging out with her friend tonight she doesn't tell the friend tat i am bat shit crazy. I don't want her friends hating me for this. I am better then this. I am a better person then this. and I will prove it.

my brain and body are not getting enough stimulation right now. I think that is a big part of the problem. so more running. more reading.