Confused and Lonly

I got the job, and I am thrilled. So ready for a challenge and a change. But someone who is suppose to be my good friend didn't want to go celebrate with me last night, on top of i heard she had been spreading rumors about me. sucks. So yes I am lonely. I miss having good friends around me. I have so much love and Wonderful friends far away. I don't want to make new ones. I want mine with me.

I went out with the hashers last night instead and that was great. I think that this will be a place I can make some real friends, and some acquaintances. And hopefully one really close friend.

Now we get to the confused part. I have a great male friend. Turns out he is in love with me. I already kinda knew this. Knew he was attracted to me and that he loved me. My mother always warned me men cant separate love from in love. But I am confused. I am attracted to. I feel like I can understand a straight woman wanting to try being with a woman every now and then. But shouldn't a lesbian be more black and white. Know herself better then that?

Is this because of my biological clock? Loneliness? Sexual Frustration? And the desire to be desired. The attention is wonderful. I don't know if the sex would be worth risking the friendship. I have never enjoyed sex with men. But never slept with one man more then twice. And really Kevin wasn't at all about pleasing me. Or anyone but himself. And with Jehmal and Gene I was drunk. But then again I have never been able to sleep with a man sober. I wish we could just get to the kiss part so I could make a better decision of if I wanted it to move further. He does want me to give him head, yes we have been sexting with wonderful detail, and I don't know how i feel about the whole sucking cock thing. Never done it. or I might have with Jehmal but once again I was drunk. I told him we need to spend some time together alone and see what happens.

All of this he is the ex of the friend who didn't want to go out with me last night and has been spreading rumors. Girl rule is you don't mess with friends ex's but more sacred should be you don't gossip and lie about your friends. I need to distance myself from her again anyway. He also wants to keep us a secret so "people don't get jealous" meaning Meg. She is still really hung up on him and is not moving forward.

I have the fear and desire of getting pregnant with him. We would make a beautiful awkward brilliant and most likely autistic child. He has asbergers and I well you know what kind of weird I am. But I don't mind a child with leaning differences. Mine have made me better for it. Not that I can raise a kid alone and have no intention of this friends with benefits thing becoming a relationship. huh now that I wrote that, maybe this can just be a friend who I occasionally sleep with. Might not be a bad thing for me.

I miss you, wish we could share a beautiful few glasses of bourbon. I could cry I am so lonely.