number one

I think what i need right now is to be someones number one. The way you are when you are a child, your parents think of you first. When you make a best friend. Knowing that you can run to that best friend. Knowing that that best friend will run to you. The way lovers become a working unit, separate but functioning in unison. I want someone to call just because they are thinking about me.

I want to have not been alone in the hospital last week. I want someone i would feel confident in calling up to be with me. I want to be held, not just hold someone else. I want to be kissed.

I have not had someone think of me first in a long time. I have not been the person someone thinks hey i wonder what hope is up to. in a long time. The last time i was someones number one it turned in to me taking care of Jeana. She was my number one and she was her number one.


I think the only way i will be someones number one is if i am my own. I need to put myself first, give myself the attention i need.

But how do you give yourself attention? Can you give yourself affection? I need to find a way to be strong ehough to support and love knowing i can have nothing in return.

I know this felling will pass. I know this is just temporary. I wish for tonight i had someone to hold me.

well

i don't know what i want to say but im sure its something. I have a very weird felling in my bones right now. is it a combination of anticipation, anxiety, and annoyance. no its not that strong in the negative way. its just a slight discomfort puctuated by my empty belly. I think im felling Christys anyoance too that dose not make it better.

a bit of a book i was writting and gave up

her laugh echoed through the crowded restaurant. Just a simple bartender. Her laugh is what kept her costumers coming back every night. Every night she would greet them each by name as she passed them one by one their usual drinks. She stoped by the end of her courded bat to greet one of her rugulars with his hevy porter. Greating the man was the last clear thought to pass her mind.

A large hand grabed the back of her hair, with one poverfull yank flung her across the floor. She slid in to a counter rattaling the glasses purched on top. A small scream had excaped her lips befor there was silence from the patrons. A scuffling of bar stools soon was brought to a screaching hault ended wiht gasps.

She could hear a deep woice ordering the men to sit back with their beers, as she glansed around first she saw the hand gun, then the face of a man she believed was dead............








In a warm sunfilled meadow laughter filled the air. Daniell and Josaphine laugh, twisting wiled flowers in to long chains to wrap around their necks. Dani and Jo have spent days like this, the snow had finaly melted, and the grass was new and soft under their bear feet.

its so strange for things to change so suddenly.

I went from hating this city, despising the girl i was living with and feeling so trapped to bliss.

Everything is so bright and exciting. A boy loves me, a girl likes me, and a girl i think i can teach alot to. I keep getting hit on. My roommate kicks ass, Not like my Destany but still fun. I live with the cutest sweetest dog, and another with a hell of an attitude who thinks I'm her pet. I'm not home sick anymore, and i have fallen back in love with this city.

The boy who loves me is the scariest part. I thought for just a moment yesterday what it will feel like if i lose him again. It took my breath away. This is not like last time, we are not a couple, and i know we don't belong to eachother, but it still scares me.

Im not dead yet

I met an amazing girl last night.

It was so nice to realize i can still feel. im sad she is gone today. I would not take kissing her back for anything. I just wish i had more time with her.

i have decided im going back on anti-depressants.

If i could find the words some times i think i would.

I cant express who i am felling today in one simple word or turn of phrase, its to complex for that. I feel alone, alienated, hidious, intrusive, abused, anoyed, unwelcome. Just to find a place to start. Im sure tonight is going to be just as bad, and ever worse. Last night i had my trusty computer to run to. I found some friendly words, and some supportive fantasies to hold on to. Tonight I will be cut off, camping for the most part in the new house. I hate the oh come with us when i know im such a 3rd wheel and truly just a hinderence. Maby i should fain illness, and stay here in bed. not that i could sleep, with Sue yelling at everyone all the time. well here i am back to my fate to wait for other.


Im gonna run away. As soon as i can.

I feel very cut off

I have been fighting with my roommate, she calles me selfish, and other hurtful things. Im starting to believe her. But i dont think im selfish, i think im so focused on her and making her happy that i have noglected every other relationship i have. It makes me feel very alone. I feel abused, and battered. It breaks my heart that somone i have put so much enerrgy in to thinks im selfish. I ask myself, is this true? and i come up with I am independent. ans what i see this boiling down to is that she has gotten so codependent with me, and i have let her. I have let her take over so much of me. I have faught for so long to not be that. I have been fighting the signs that i will follow in my mothers footsteps, just to find myself right back in them. Codependency is a trate of addictive personalities, holding grudges, is as well. I have worked and suffered to put these aspects of my life a side. Find peace and understanding, and then i find iv lost that path. Its so dissapointing, and frustrating. I could rant and ramble, but i wount. I make this vow to do my best to

Ask myself, is this selfish.

Concider just how I am felling.

Find that peace again

Remember I do not know all the reasons in the world, and i need to accept the things i have no controle over.

its not fair

its not fair when you are mad at me because i did not want to sit on uncomfortable chairs and watch you bake. I dont think i have an obligation to intertain you while you cook. Its not fair that you get mad at me when you wount tell me what you want from me. I have asked you a million times what type of beer you want, and you always say what ever. I get you a beer tonight and you are mad i did not read your mind and get you a cherry beer. You have to tell me i want the cherry, not the lager, or the pale, or the IPA or the other 100 beer options we have right no, when you say you dont care i am going to reach in the fridge and bring you the frist one i pull out.

I feel like you want the whole world from me but you are not willing to give me anything, you want my love my affection, you want me to think of you befor myself at every turn, but you are not thinking of me. i always have to come to you, i always have to try to make you happy, what about me. I know you think i am less then you, you have made that so clear, but i am here. And i could use someone in the world thinking about me. even if its just myself, i have to be someones first and foremost.

I am a lonly little meadow lark.

I sit by the rivers edge, signing my song day in and out.
i try to sing a happy little tune, but the woos of the world are slowly turning my tune sour.
as i sit here by my running water i see my fellow larks flying away,
their wind hs come to call them to far away places.
I hear their songs, their stories of the world beyond the trees.
And i wounder where is my wind?
will i ever fly away?
will my song ever brighten.
I do try to keep my song light, but the waters seem to dround me out.
will i die here by the river, will i ever get my chance to fly.
Where is the god of the sun?
and has he passed me over.
ill keep singing my little meadow lark song, trying to keep it bright, and one day the wind will call my name, ill keep listening.

Judgement

Why is it that most people walk around every day making judgments, is it to make themselves feel better? Do they say that person is so bad off to make them feel like they are doing well?

I don't think that its intentional but there are people in my life who i feel are holding me back, pulling me down and making it that much harder for me to breath.

And saying this makes me feel selfish, writing it in a journal that only one person reads makes this catty and underhanded. but i need to express some how, my debate.

How am i to live life, bright, happy, and content if 2 of the people that im so close to put me down, hold me back, flood me with self doughty and negativity. I think that every day i get just a little more aware of this. And the treat of seeing an old friend has made me so uncomfortable. Seeing one of the few people who has made me feel like i was a real person in every way has made me panic, and realize the things about myself i have let slide. let someone els convince me weren't part of me, pieces that fell away because they don't matter, that i don't deserve them, that they are out of my reach. Well all these things are not out of my reach, but i have stopped striving to grasp them.

Now the question is where do i go from here? Do i leave the one person who always wants me around. Do i give up the friend who has been by my side for 15 years, even through her judgments of me, and our disagreements. Just walking away from these two would leave me hollow and lonely but i do need to find away to rebuild myself despite them tearing me down.

Part of me just wants to stay here in Dallas, not go back to New Orleans, Start over. and i know i could here. People in New Orleans are just so guarded so shallow. in the time i spent in New Hampture i had built a Family by now. In Nola i don't even have sorta friends. Here people are open and friendly, there is more diversity, more of everything. There is just more.

I know this is a fleeting felling, I love New Orleans, the size of the city, the way the air feels, I just need someone, a friend, a lover, even just someone to fight with. But i need something more there then what I have.

I'm so devastated you think I'm selfish

I feel like my hrt has grown cold over the last year, a slow progression. I'm loosing or lost the ability to feel anger, lust, compaction, rage, I'm not even sure what other emotions I'm becoming numb to. Its been slow creeping up on me, iv only started to realize that I'm loosing my feelings. At first i thought i had conquered my anger. iv never been a very angry person so it wasn't hart to let that go, but bit by bit I'm realizing that i 'feel for myself anymore. i don't know how i fell, i know how others expect me to feel, and i understand how they feel, Have i started to lose myself?

Don't get me wrong i love my job, i am so happy with it. I do love this city and I'm happy to be here. But iv lost all my lust. i havent gotten angry in i cant remember how long, i feel hurt instead of angry now. turned that emotion inward. its going to be a great step back to get some prospective when i go to Dallas ill get to see friends that i miss, and get some time alone. sleep alone, not worry about someone els. Focus on just being me, what ever that means.

I want to not worry about how me needing to be alone will upset some one else. I'm not sure when me and mine, became less important then yours.

And this isn't just for me, My feelings are less important to the people around me then theirs, my money is less valuable, my time less precious. Like i should give everything of myself sacrifice every piece of me for them and what they want and need.

I feel very taken advantage of,

I have gotten myself in to a relationship that never should have been, i feel drained by him. I'm here and willing when he wants to talk, when he needs a piece of me and my energy, but when I need some support he is gone, back where he should be, supporting who he should be supporting and thats not me.

I have gotten myself in to all of this and its up to me to get me back out. and i will bet for now i just want someone to do something for me because they think i might need it not because they are trying to get something in return. I'm not asking the world just a bit of kindness. And i know that i do get little bits here and there and i am so grateful for a cup of tea that shows up on my desk, and the email that says your great. But right now those little bits are not enough to fule my heart and soul. I just feel drained and need to be recharged. I have been needing this for a long time, but now im at the bottom of my reserves, and im pulling away from my mom and piper because they take so much energy and cant offer any back, and they need me but im running on empty. the people who do give me fuel i either have been to busy to catch up with or our schedules don't line up well.

I just need to be patient, and focus on all the good i have in my life. because there is so much of it. tonight its just hard to hold on to.

Body Modification

I love tattoos, and piercings. i like to decorate my body, show my individuality on my skin. Make myself a piece of art work, But i do not understand body modification beyond this point. I don't understand taking hormones your body is not suppose to have to change the way you look. I don't understand taking steroids to get bigger stronger, and well creepier. Putting plastic in your body to shape and contour.

I will be supportive of my friends who decide to change themselves with Surgeries and medications, but I cant even pretend to understand it. Why mess with something already so perfect? Plastic surgeries scare me. They are dangerous and unpredictable. Removing pieces, putting artificial ones in. Snipping and clipping at flesh to shape, extend, shorten, lift, tighten, or pull is so unnatural to me.

Beauty is a gift nature has given us in the form of diversity. Arms, legs, stomachs, breasts, noses, lips and eyes. No two are the same for a reason.

To each, his own.

I will not stand in someone else's way in the persute of happiness. but i don't know if i will ever understand the mind set, or the reasons behind these artificial body modifications.

inthusiasum

i need a bit more enthusiasm in my social life. not for me, im enthusiastic and optimistic and happy. but i need some hoe happy from the people i live with. I don't like the negative attitude that everyone in my house exudes. i like being happy, i like being positive, and yes im an optimist. and i like it that way. im not asking for anyone to flip a switch and all the sudden be Mary Sunshine or anything, but i do need a bit more gusto, and umph from my roommate. i really don't want to be around the , everything that has ever happened to me is worse then what has happened to you, and the oh that story is a bit bad but i have a wors one. if im telling a story or a problem then im not looking for you to tell me how you have a worse one, or your problems are bigger. if life sucks that uch change it.

yes Louisiana heat is extreme, but no its not going to kill me and its not the hottest place in the world, people have been living her long before air conditioning and survived ill be fine.

yes there are mosquitoes in other parts of the world, thy carry west nile there too, and even molarioa there. your big problem is not the worst ever.

yes i know that it is cold at your work, they run air conditioners to protect the photo equipment, take a sweater, thats what i do. my office is cold too.

please when you do this you de-value my word, leaving with completely unvalidated thoughts, emotions, and situations. Some time i do just want you to listen to me. Please do you realize how selfish you actions can be? self pity and negativity will not get you my sympathy, you are the only on n control of your life, if you don't like it you are the one who will have to change it. i give up trying to help you better yourself. you didn't want the job opportunity that my connections got you, even though it was the job you had been talking about for months, you wont change your diet te be healthier. im tired.

my life is so close to being everything i want right now, and i wont let you drag me down. im happy, i have a great job with my dream company. i wish you would hear me when i say this, but you don't listen to me, none of you listen to me. a family of therapists, and social workers and you wont listen to me.

i fuckig hate men

yes i hate men, they are lying cowerds. mother fucking cheaters, and spineless ass wholes.

you want to love me, love me, if you just want to fuck me, just fuck me and move on dont do the whole booty call thing when its convenient for you.

dont feel guilty for cheating on your girl with me. you made the decition to cheat own it.

if you are not happy wiht you girl fucking leave the cunt, i hate her too.

and if you want to leave that bitch move your ass here ad be my play toy, fucking do it!! dont tell me that you want to and cant, dont call me in the middel of the night wen she is asleep. ill rock your world better then she ever could, and satisfy ever kinky, little craving you have. probably push you to your limit. and go play poker with your boys saturday, im gonna go dance with my girls

but dont call me if you only want to fill five minn, dont lie to me, dont fuck me around. becaus e i know this game i will call your fowel and ill kick you ass.

i dont understang anger

or pesamisum, or holding grudges, get the fuck over it because that negativity in you is going to courupt your soul.

i understand depression, and there is nothing you can do about that, you can try and be happy, but some times your body and mind cant be changed you just have to ride it out.

but why get all upset over somthing you cant controle like bad drivers, why snap at people that just makes them snap back, please be kind to the wait staff at resteraunts, if you think they are giveing bad service think, maybe they are short handed and over worked, maby your demands are abit extreem.

oh and if somone hurt you years ago. let go of it. you cant know their side of the story, you are probably missing pieses of the puzzle. and some times people are just shitty, you cant do a god dam thing about it. thats all.

dear friend

when i think of you, or see a picture of you, the first thing that comes to me is the way you smelled, i don't know how to discribe this smell, but i know that in this fragrance, was the smell of spray fixer, and chyanne peppers. you always hid from the world, and even from me. i wonder some times, as anyone ever really known you? has anyone seen or touched you soul. i know you are afraid, afraid of being venerable and of being hurt, but you have to open up or you soul might die out of loneliness. i miss you so much some times. the you that you were when we were alone, the you you were in Colorado those crisp fall days. you seemed lighter then, i know that you hide your beauty, i don't know why, but do understand it. but i wish you would let some one see it. the type of beauty you cant fake. like getting caught in a rain storm, make up washed away, hair the way it wants to be. once in a while i use to see this you. when it was hot and late at night, whey we were the only ones wake in the world. when you slept. and when you cooked. i feel blessed that i got to see a part of you that i don't thinks shows much at all, and i wonder how many people have gotten to see this you. I pray that there are people who you trust enough to just be you.

love always,
Emelee

my sweet andie,

im starting to wonder if i will ever see you again. its been so long, and i cant always picture your face anymore. I have stopped searching the crowd for your face, now i just look for anyone who is familiar. i know so few people here now, i think i could count them all on my hands. Are you here, is this what i was sent to find, or are you just simply a dream. Im losing faith in not only you, but large chunks of the world around me. as awful and scary as this sounds, we know that it may not be a bad thing, im letting you go, and felling so much more human then ever before.i pray that i see you again, even its just in my dreams to tell me you will never be here.i just need my answer.

breath deep tonight,
dominica

negativity

only makes you more angry, which only makes you less happy, its not worth getting mad over. nothing is. anger is just fear turned in ward.

if you are angry, stop and think, who is really being the ass whole in this situation. take some fucking responsibility for your own actions. the world would be a much better place if there were more respect in it. and ya gotta give to get baby.

i cant help it if im an optimist, i don't want to be another way, so here i go positive, positive, positive. and maby it will rub off.

hello im jay and this is my hetero life mate silent bob.

yes this is me and my jeana, hetero life mates well sorta. more like non sexual life mates, because the word hetero is no where in anything that describes me.

just talking more than anything, but what happens when i meet someone i want to have as a real life mate? she is so dam determined that she will never meat a nice guy, mostly because her record speaks for its self in this area. cough cough, mate you are a mother fucker.

but im still hoping to fall in love and find someone to build a life with. i need sex in my life, and not any more one night stanges thats all over and done with, but loving sex with someone i can talk to. i don't think this is an unreasonable request in my life, and i will figure out how to get it.

but when i do do i sy good by to my silent bob? how dose that work out?

i gues that is ust one more thing ill figure out when i get there.

felling a bit insecure

i dont believe i deserve love.

im at the moment trying to be good and lose some weight. but the more i lose the worse i feel about myself. i was such a confadent fat girl, i loved my body and didntt care what other people thought. it was a blissfull felling. ine that i havent had a whole lot in my life. but somthing happend, and i decided to lose the weight. im not sure what that some thing was. i started weight watchers with my boss and my mom, from there i ended up changing jobs, quiting that job and now im moving.. all of this wouldent have happend if i hadent decided to lose the weight.

i trust the univerce everything happens for a reason.

now i feel fat, 20 lbs thinner i feel fatter, go figure. but i have no will power right now to work out, and my diet is faltering a bit. im not sure what to do. ride it out. thats all i can think to do

my wife

yes i love her, no we are not lesbians, just roommates, but mother fucker she can be such a nag. and patronizing. talk down to me just a little more baby, make me sound like a retarded 8 year old one more time, i swear i will knock you on your ass.

i cant believe i feel this way

ok so and ex girlfriend of mine, has decided she wants to be a he, and he is undergoing his transformation, im totally supportive, i still love him very very much, i don't really have a problem with the man part, it did take me a little while to get the pronouns in my head. but and this is what makes me so awful, he has started to refer to himself as a gay man, i don't know why this fills me with such awful tellings, but when we met he referred to himself as a femme lesbian, he never was femme, but he was still a lesbian. i guess this is what you would fell if a man told you all the sudden he wanted to date men, well i guess. i don't understand, i understand the whole i want to be a man part, he isn't the first girlfriend to tell me that, but, he was deathly afraid of penis's when we were together and long before that, so how do you go from wanting to through up t the sight of a penis, to wanting to sleep with people who have one? i will forever support him, in what ever he wants with his life, but i guess im felling like i never mattered or something, like i didn't count, which is awful because i was so crazy over her. i haven't seen him, so i don't know if the same butterflies would be there. but i just don't understand, and i cant realy say this to anyone, even my wife, or sister. dam the whole need to be politically correct.

reasons i sleep with women

some day im going to write a book, reasons i sleep with women.

my reason for today, they are inconsiderate mother fucker. i was talking to Kevin on aim and poof there he goes, hour latter my computer dose that beepy thing when some one rights to me, oh who is the little pretty stupid black man with one testicle, yes i said it.

oh another subject i think i am the most irresponsible human on the face of the planet. im seriously starting to panic about money and moving. ugh ok im off

i know you respect my strength

i know you think im strong, and you respect my courage. i know these are some of the reasons you love me, but im so afraid. im afraid that i will never find love because of my courage. because of my independence. i wonder if these quality's make me unlovable. make me less attractive. i am a fighter, it has taken everything i am to get to where i am, my road was not easy and never will be, i wouldn't want it to be. i know i can make it on my oun but i don't want to. i want love, i want this partnership that everyone around me is looking for finding or has found.

the only people who have expressed interest in sharing the rest of their lives wiht me, are friends, you want to spend the rest of your life wiht me, but as friend, my sister wants to grow old with me. is it awful of me to want anyone just to say i will always be with you. no matter if its a friend a sister, or a lover.

But how do you say to someone. will you commit to be with me for the rest of our lives, when there is nothing more then friendship

how do you say, will you be my companion, never leave me, and not have them think you want sex.

but i think i do want more then that, i want intamasy, i want more then to share my life with just a friend. i want to build a life, with some one.

i don't know if i could love you. i do love you, as the friend you are to me but i don't think i could e in love with you.

i pray to be everything you see me to be some day.

fucking bitch

ok so my boss, yes at the job i have 2 more days of is a whore!!!!!

Ok so a few days ago she mentions we have to do compleat inventory, Alison hase to count everything, even the bubbler's, ugh i have to be here at 10 on my day off

dose anyone see anywhere in here, where she says i have to be there for this? 2 more days, thank god!!!!!!

reasons why im leaving, wooo hoo

New Years

Well happy new year. last night was.........interesting.

I spent it with my adopted parents and one sister, it was boring, i watched them do a puzzle, dam my adopted dad, can be so dam overbearing, and they are all so timid. im guessing the only way Teri and Anna aren't timid is that they are rebelling against Robert and Sharon. then we lit sparklers at midnight. watched a movie and went to bed, dad made us waffles this morning for breakfast,he misses us all so much when we are not around.

i got a text message last night from a friend who i loved so much at one point and almost thought i wanted to be in love with. she is engaged to an idiot, a slimy, skeezy, coward of a thief, she deserves so much better. at least when she was dating phil i knew he would treat her right.

this whole pairing up lobster thing that humans do is so strange. so many of my friends would rather pair up with somone who is a friend, we all have the same roommate grow old thing idea. i do want the romance and sex thing too. i feel like it is ot a real idea, like utopia. utopia and love dont exist, it would be nice if they did but,its not worth slitting my wrists over or anything.

so there is this guy im unfortinatly getting close to. shit