Judgement

Why is it that most people walk around every day making judgments, is it to make themselves feel better? Do they say that person is so bad off to make them feel like they are doing well?

I don't think that its intentional but there are people in my life who i feel are holding me back, pulling me down and making it that much harder for me to breath.

And saying this makes me feel selfish, writing it in a journal that only one person reads makes this catty and underhanded. but i need to express some how, my debate.

How am i to live life, bright, happy, and content if 2 of the people that im so close to put me down, hold me back, flood me with self doughty and negativity. I think that every day i get just a little more aware of this. And the treat of seeing an old friend has made me so uncomfortable. Seeing one of the few people who has made me feel like i was a real person in every way has made me panic, and realize the things about myself i have let slide. let someone els convince me weren't part of me, pieces that fell away because they don't matter, that i don't deserve them, that they are out of my reach. Well all these things are not out of my reach, but i have stopped striving to grasp them.

Now the question is where do i go from here? Do i leave the one person who always wants me around. Do i give up the friend who has been by my side for 15 years, even through her judgments of me, and our disagreements. Just walking away from these two would leave me hollow and lonely but i do need to find away to rebuild myself despite them tearing me down.

Part of me just wants to stay here in Dallas, not go back to New Orleans, Start over. and i know i could here. People in New Orleans are just so guarded so shallow. in the time i spent in New Hampture i had built a Family by now. In Nola i don't even have sorta friends. Here people are open and friendly, there is more diversity, more of everything. There is just more.

I know this is a fleeting felling, I love New Orleans, the size of the city, the way the air feels, I just need someone, a friend, a lover, even just someone to fight with. But i need something more there then what I have.