I feel like my hrt has grown cold over the last year, a slow progression. I'm loosing or lost the ability to feel anger, lust, compaction, rage, I'm not even sure what other emotions I'm becoming numb to. Its been slow creeping up on me, iv only started to realize that I'm loosing my feelings. At first i thought i had conquered my anger. iv never been a very angry person so it wasn't hart to let that go, but bit by bit I'm realizing that i 'feel for myself anymore. i don't know how i fell, i know how others expect me to feel, and i understand how they feel, Have i started to lose myself?

Don't get me wrong i love my job, i am so happy with it. I do love this city and I'm happy to be here. But iv lost all my lust. i havent gotten angry in i cant remember how long, i feel hurt instead of angry now. turned that emotion inward. its going to be a great step back to get some prospective when i go to Dallas ill get to see friends that i miss, and get some time alone. sleep alone, not worry about someone els. Focus on just being me, what ever that means.

I want to not worry about how me needing to be alone will upset some one else. I'm not sure when me and mine, became less important then yours.

And this isn't just for me, My feelings are less important to the people around me then theirs, my money is less valuable, my time less precious. Like i should give everything of myself sacrifice every piece of me for them and what they want and need.

I feel very taken advantage of,

I have gotten myself in to a relationship that never should have been, i feel drained by him. I'm here and willing when he wants to talk, when he needs a piece of me and my energy, but when I need some support he is gone, back where he should be, supporting who he should be supporting and thats not me.

I have gotten myself in to all of this and its up to me to get me back out. and i will bet for now i just want someone to do something for me because they think i might need it not because they are trying to get something in return. I'm not asking the world just a bit of kindness. And i know that i do get little bits here and there and i am so grateful for a cup of tea that shows up on my desk, and the email that says your great. But right now those little bits are not enough to fule my heart and soul. I just feel drained and need to be recharged. I have been needing this for a long time, but now im at the bottom of my reserves, and im pulling away from my mom and piper because they take so much energy and cant offer any back, and they need me but im running on empty. the people who do give me fuel i either have been to busy to catch up with or our schedules don't line up well.

I just need to be patient, and focus on all the good i have in my life. because there is so much of it. tonight its just hard to hold on to.