a moment

Its amazing how a moment can hit you out of nowhere. Walking along. Making it. Happy. And out of nowhere I get hit with a wave of heart break. Without warning or reason. Nothing has changed, yet I have this wave of dread sucking me under. I know it will pass. The whole day has been wonderful and stressful. All work wise. Now siting on my dinner break a feeling of the loss of T. It hit me from out of nowhere. I haven't lost her although some times it feels like I have or should. I feel like if I took a large enough breath in right now I could burst in to tears. I love this woman. Don't feel like I can rely on her. Want to make it work. Do I just not want to give up?

Nut up or Shut up

I will be shutting up. Ok I run my mouth to much. Especially when I am confused and hurt. And ya know what? I need to learn to keep it to myself. I am an idiot and too many people know that right now. This whole thing with T. Back and forth and me talking about it. Saying with such conviction it needs to end and then me taking it back makes me look like a fool. Every relationship has its problems and not everyone runs around talking about it. I need to stop sharing every up and down of this relationship. there are a lot of little tid bits of wisdom and logic today coming at me. "follow your heart" "things end bad or they don't end at all"

I love her. My heart tells me that this could be the love of my life. My brain and fear are the ones telling me to run.

So time to keep this relationship to myself and a small select group of people. I have alot of good friends and feel the need to share my life with them but i think i need to pull back some of that information. I don't know all the ups and downs of their lives they don't need to know mine.

i think I have been over connected. Especially with T. Texting constantly all day has left me so saturated. She left me alone for a few hours yesterday morning and I felt so much more like me. I was talking to my friend Alan and he said he feels the same way with his boyfriend. Says he misses missing him. and I defiantly understand that.

Struggling has only gotten me in this cycle of pain and love. Every time I try to pull away from T she comes running for me. And every time I try to make this relationship work she runs. So for now. I think I am just gonna let it be. She has decided to cancel her Face Book and not text as often. Already I feel so much calmer. With out her indecisive nonstop plans and game changes in my ear. I think that with out us connected by our cell phones all day every day this will pass. Or change in some way. I feel we are drifting apart and at the moment that is fine with me. I can smile and laugh right now. Something I have not been doing much latly.

I was thinking this morning about qualities I want in a friend right now. And my Allen kept coming to mind. As soon as I got to work there he was on my FB saying he misses me and misses New Orleans. It would be so wonderful to have him back here. Start a closer friendship with him. He is the most down to earth gay man I have ever met.

What am I learning here. Obviously the lesson is not learned if I am still involved in this drama. And don't feel like just walking away form the situation. Everything happens for a reason. What is the reason here?

Hard Choices

Just because a decision is hard or hurts doesn't mean it doesn't need to be made. She would have continued to hurt me. She wasn't willing to change the pattern so I had to do it.

She is going to hate me. And i will have to accept that. I'll have to move on. And I can I know I can. Stay strong. Day by day. It will get easier. I know it will. We have gotten to an impasse. And i don't know what else to do. I cant continue this pain and crying. The fighting and struggle.

I am still so torn on this. As much as I know logically I need to do it. Need to protect myself. I still love her. Want to believe her. Want to believe that she will be good to me. Who knows maybe with time apart the way we interact will change. Maybe it will change to us just being friends. Or that she will decide she is gay and doesn't want to be with him. Who knows how it will turn out. But the truth is I can't continue the path I am on.

She wants to talk about it tonight. Not sure how that will go. Or if it will just be another circle. No one can honestly tell me what they think I should do because most of our interactions are so private. No one sees the fights or strain. They hear them from my perspective. Skewed and tainted my pain. So this decision is one that I have to make without any input form the people I love and trust.

Part of me think I should be more patient with her. She is in a difficult situation and she is confused. But it doesn't out weigh the pain. Maybe I start with a month apart. See what clarity that gives me. And her. Maybe she would get over me fast. Move on to another woman more willing to put up with her baby daddy drama. Or decide she is set up with what she has.

At this point I will take any decision as long as it is a decision. No more limbo. No more waiting for the poker game to begin.

Where to step next

Now is the moment, that either I make a change or fall back in to the same pattern. The pattern as it has been is not an option. So what is next. What do I do. How do I keep moving forward?

T and I are supposed to talk tonight. I can fall back in the pattern of 2 weeks of wonderfulness. A fast hard crash where she breaks up with me and then 2 weeks of fighting, anxiety, 2 weeks of feeling used, abused and unappreciated. So what do I do? Cutting her off completely apparently is not an option for me. I just cant seem to ignore her. Probably because I don't want to.

Do I continue dating her, just with a big step back? No more talk of moving in, no more spending nights. Pox her up in my head in the friends with benefits restrictions. No thoughts of a future together, no want to progress. I wonder if I can do that.

Do I walk away? and if so HOW? I don't know if I am strong enough to ignore her. She is so persistent. She will call, text, email and eventually confront me. I love her and miss her when we are apart so how do I cut her off?

I realize at this point if I continue this relationship, I cant talk about it to really anyone. Everyone is over hearing the drama. Seeing me hurt, seeing me let someone hurt me. And I hear that. Part of me is screaming in my head that I am a fucking idiot. But I am not lonely with her. I feel loved. And connected. I'm waiting for her to deal the dam cards so i can play my hand. What ever one I get.

My friend Jehmal got back to town. He has been gone a month. Him being here makes me feel calmer. Happier in a relationship that I cannot totally rely on. I don't know if it is because he is a perpetual bachelor and completely content in it. Or if its that I have a buddy. Even if we are not close. I feel more grateful for my little apartment, my independence and self reliance since he has been back.

SOme times I sit and think what do I want. The answer changes. But what doesn't change is that I want People. I want to build a family. Have people here I can rely on. I have so many wonderful people that love me, but they are far away. I need to build that here.

Do

one week

It has now been a week the T and I have not been together. We made it just short of 6 months. Bits of me still hope that we can work this out and get back together. But most of me knows it wont work out. At least not without a large change on her part. This may sound selfish of me, but i cannot live as the mistress any longer. I know she is not ready to leave Adam. I know I cant trust her word if she tells me that she will.

Moving on is going to be very hard. Mostly because there is a part of me that is willing to take the abuse to be with her. But I know I deserve better. And that I shouldn't settle for less then I know I deserve.

Although I know all this, logically. It doesn't make it any easier.

I miss her. Miss holding her body in my sleep. Feeling her breath. Talking with her. Telling her every secret, knowing that I have nothing to hide from her. It was so nice not being lonely. feeling I had someone to rely on. When I could rely on her. I know I can fall in love again. I trust that I have that ability. Knowing this does not make me want to move on any faster. Start again. I realize I have started over alot in my life and that I can do it again and again if i need to. I don't want to. I am tired and don't want to struggle. Don't want to live with a feeling of longing, or searching. But I guess thats the human condition.