one week

It has now been a week the T and I have not been together. We made it just short of 6 months. Bits of me still hope that we can work this out and get back together. But most of me knows it wont work out. At least not without a large change on her part. This may sound selfish of me, but i cannot live as the mistress any longer. I know she is not ready to leave Adam. I know I cant trust her word if she tells me that she will.

Moving on is going to be very hard. Mostly because there is a part of me that is willing to take the abuse to be with her. But I know I deserve better. And that I shouldn't settle for less then I know I deserve.

Although I know all this, logically. It doesn't make it any easier.

I miss her. Miss holding her body in my sleep. Feeling her breath. Talking with her. Telling her every secret, knowing that I have nothing to hide from her. It was so nice not being lonely. feeling I had someone to rely on. When I could rely on her. I know I can fall in love again. I trust that I have that ability. Knowing this does not make me want to move on any faster. Start again. I realize I have started over alot in my life and that I can do it again and again if i need to. I don't want to. I am tired and don't want to struggle. Don't want to live with a feeling of longing, or searching. But I guess thats the human condition.

Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside me an emptiness that, at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean. And the moon tonight, there's a circle around it. A sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but there is no woman, only that moon

Seeds of resentment sprout in corners of my soul

Who is this stranger in my bed?

Face a demon

I know I have trust issues. I know I believe everyone who comes in to my life will end up leaving me. I am fighting that right now. Tricia in the past has given me reason to doubt her. But she isn't now. She is being wonderful. I am the crazy one. Or well we both are.

I will get over this hump and hopefully with my relationship in tact. I know I am a survivor an can keep moving even if I end up with a shattered heart. I would rather not. I love her and want this family I am being pulled in to.

If money were no object I know things would be different right now. I don't know if they would be for better or worse. If I would have run. Or if I would have moved in to a bigger place to take care of them.

Fuck PMS. at least that's what I'm going with is wrong with me right now. I am nearly a week late. T & I have spent every night together for a week and a half so I think I am just syncing up to her. Fucking Finally! But the 2 weeks of PMS are making me feel whiny, needy, insecure all the traits I hate.

My jaw is killing me from gritting my teeth. It makes me feel so trapped in my head when I do that. Like I am disconnected from the rest of my body. Everything below my neck matters less. It went away while I was at the gym today.

woo stream of conscious rambling.

Things are good. When I take a breath, I am grateful.

Nerves

I am waiting for me nerves to calm down. I know it will just take time. Time for me to trust T. Time for me to be confident and committed. Not have the fear in the back of my head that it could end at any moment.

I have an irrational fear of being left I know this. Abandonment and commitment issues. Im working on that. Knowing I can take on anything this world can through at me. Move past any pain that can be put on me and rise above it.

The color of morning

There is nothing else in this world like morning in Colorado. Calm, Cool and Crisp. By far the best time of day. A time when nothing can touch you but happiness and love. I am so grateful to be here right now. I needed this so badly.

Clarity

This is all i beg for. 2 women.

One I love, adore. Someone I know I can make a life with on my end. Know Logically we can make a beautiful modest life together. How ever she can be so mean, so unreliable.

THa other is just the image of a loving woman who wants me. Not much more then the sheer possibility for love.

I am not sure what I am suppose to do.

I told tricia that she has one more shot. One last chance. and if she hurts me again I am gone. So I guess I have 2 weeks to figure out if she is going to break my heart again or not. My guess is she will. And in 2 weeks It will be over. What else am I suppose to believe? What am I suppose to trust other then History?

I wish for love. Honest and simple. I want someone to rely on, count on, depend on. Thats all. Thats all I ask for. Friend, Lover, Relative, Sibling. Thanks all I want.