Freedom is another way of saying nothing left to lose

I ended it. Until Tricia can make me me as much of a priority as I have made her, I cannot continue this. If i am going to be in a relationship I deserve more. And I will not settle for less.

I do truly love her. And I know she can change her life. But she wont. She just wont balls the fuck up and do it.

Can I take it

If I chose to stay with this woman I have to admit she has a mental illness and that . I know I can live with mental illness. Its noting new to me.

But can I handle being in love with someone who changes so drastically. This is not a situation you can sit down with a pen and paper and make a pro vs con list because there is no points scale you can assign to something like the way you feel when you are with someone. How much it hurts when you don't trust them. Or the qualities they posses that you want in a person.

I am not ready to give up on this. This month is better then last, and if this is progressive in improving I can work with that. I might just have to learn to get busy for a week each month. I love her, and for 3 weeks each month its good. I am confident in how she feels and what she wants.

I may need to change my point of view. Know that when she is like this it will pass. And stay strong thru is, not get jealous or scared. Because she will be back in just a few days. Let the shit that she says roll off my back in this week of the month. I am gonna give it a little more time. If things continue to get better I will keep going. If we hit a wall then I will call it.

So as always try to go with how I feel. Little by little it will work out how it is supposed to. Maybe this will all teach me to not bend too much for someone else.

I feel like I am going crazy. I can t focus on anything. I am angry and irrational.

This woman drives me. I so rarely get angry and lately I am angry all the time. She is so wishy washy some times. I don't think she understands the concept of boundaries.

I feel used, betrayed and cheated on. And I have no right because I am the mistress. No matter how often she tells me I am not. Until she is out of his house I am.

This is the only place i have to say this stuff.

I ran away from work the other day and went to the pool. It was so nice. No one knew where I was. Put my head phones in and laied in the sun. I am defiantly doing that again soon with more water and some wine or something in my bag.

A friend wants to go to this place called the country club. Its a clothing optional pool in the back of a restaurant and bar. Almost all gay men and a few fag hags thrown in. Go drink Martinis and lay in the sun all day sounds so wonderfull.

i feel so used and neglected. I feel like a side dish. I know part of this is my own issues. I know that I have very rarely trusted that anyone wants to be around me and that this makes me very needy. I need a lot of reaffirmation. So I am being patient.

But I am always fucking patient. I want to be the weak one for a little while. I want to be taken care of for just a little while. I am tired of doing favors and taking care of everyone else god dammit. I would like some fucking recognition and dedication. a dam raise. my girlfriend showing up when she says she will.

Small details are the most important. Truth is in the details. Am I living up to my own standard. Am I being the person I want to be? What am I upset about. I think that she will never leave him. Why would anyone ever leave a comfortable life like that for one with me. My mother even said the same thing, Am I just a whore, an idiot or the fool like so many have told me I am.

I am writing out of anger, this is all much harsher then it will be in the morning.

I want consistency, consideration and appreciation. I want my world to end and start a new one. I want a rest. I want a life. I want truth.

I want her t want to be here and show up when she says she will. I want to shout. I want to be confidant and sure.

I want I want I want I want, all these things it seems other people are entitled to.

I want some comfort. I want a pile of 2 or 3 friends watching a movie in pajamas, cuddles up in cozy warmth and love.

Is this real, is this pretend?

I am not sure how I am feeling. Not tottaly any way.

I feel her pulling away, staying in the bog she has been living in.

Is this real, or is this just a fear of mine, coming back to rear its ugly head.

I have every right to doubt her on this. She has done it to me twice before.

There is nothing in her words that speaks of her staying.

Every word moving forward. Away from the dark waters of her past life with him

Yet still i doubt. Doubt she will be in my bed when she says she will.

Doubt she will keep our plans. Is it that I doubt her courage and strength?

Believe she will never have the nerve to fully leave him.

Or do I doubt anyone would ever love me. Doubt that I am good enough. Worthy enough.

My mothers first instinct on me dating her was you cant afford a woman and baby. As if this is the 50's and I am a man taking on a widow and her child. A woman would never hear of working in her life. Great message to send your kid mom. Hey your to broke for anyone to love you. Thanks.

I think I am being irrational at the moment. Maybe its the head cold and suddifed doing this to me.

I know I want a home and a family.

I know I am capable of making it on my own and surviving anything thrown my way.

I know I feel love for her

I know that we communicate on such a honest and wonderful level.

I know the sex is pretty good.

I know she loves me.

So damage is already done when it comes to our mutual friends. This is my decision and my relationship and I need to live it to my own thoughts and feelings. Make what ever mistake I am going to make on my own and reap what ever benefit is going to come my way from it.

I can only live up to my own standard and my own expectation. I will only be judged by me.