Last Day, one confession

I dont feel connected to anything. I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice. Not for days, or even weeks.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Hmmmm turn ons, in general and sexual?

1. Confidence and ambition

2. Androgyny, Blur every line you can. And make those lines solid inky black. I love Women in fitted trousers white button up and a tie, Or boys in eyeliner. Mixed race beauty's, and and super smart tramps.

3. Genuine affection, real lingering hugs. Honest complements, and criticism.

Day 6 and 7

I am so sorry I didn't do this yesterday. I have no excuse except pure self-centered distraction.

Day 6. 5 people who mean a lot to you in no particular order.

1. Mikel- My sister, for loving me no matter what. And for letting me be my goofy self when ever we are together.

2. Dad- For never asking me to explain. I know he knows much more then he lets on, but he never questions me on it.

3. Mom- For asking every question and genuinely being interested in the answer, and loving me no matter what I say.

4-Destany- How could we not be meant to be life long friends with names like Destany and Hope. For her loyalty, and short willing ness to deal with my whiny petty girly bullshit.

5-Piper- for always being there. Even if you are judging me, you are by my side.

Day 7 4 turn off's

1. Entitlement

2. Lack of respect, for others or yourself.

3. Not taking responsibility for your actions.

4 Liars, The truth may be more difficult but it is always better.

Day 5

6 Things You Regret.

I try not to regret anything, because everything that happens happens for a reason and makes you who you art, but that aside.

1. The last birthday of Jeana's I spent with her, it was miserable I lost one of my fangs, got too drunk, but not drunk enough to drown out the sound of sex, ewwww. and then there was only one bathroom in the house, so i had to wait an hour in the morning hung over for the bath room. Not fun.

2. Not pushing harder to become a singer.

3. Not pushing harder to pursue art, or architecture.

4. Sleeping with Tyler. I lost a great friend in one action.

5. Not remembering the lesson i learned in the first place ans reliving mistakes, mostly taking people in who are damaged and will use me.

6. Slitting my wrist when I was 17. And then keeping it a secret for so long after.

Day 4

Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. I love this city. I live in a great place.

2. I should be closer to my parents, one day they will die and I will regret not being closer.

3. $$$ oh god, I'm broke. Its ok I can make my bills, but thats about it. My cloths are looking so raged. Shit shit, ok ok Ill be ok.

4. Let it go.

5. I want to fall in love. I'm fucking great! Someone would be luck to have me.

6. Who the hell would want to love me? Ugh I'm disgusting.

7. I think my heart and soul are in a coma, I swear I use to have them.

Day 3

1. Pursue me. All you have to do for this is call me, text me or ask me on the date. If I have to chase someone all the time I will give up because Im guessing you don't want me around.

2. Understand that I am very uncomfortable with new attention, It will take me some time to warm up to you. Be persistent.

3. Listen to me talk, I am generally the listener, its nice to have the opportunity to talk, about something real not the hows the weather shit.

4. Eat my cooking with joy. I love to cook and love to feed people, show that you appreciate the time I spent.

5. TBA

6. TBA

7. TBA

8. TBA

I dont mean to flak out on this post, but I honestly don't know. I don't feel like my heart has ever been won. I feel like I more have given my heart without prompting. I have not had someone court me, at least not successfully. I hope to be able to finish this list someday, hopefully soon.

Even when I change the focus of it in my mind to people who have won my heart in a friend way or in any other non romantic way, I don't know. I am very maternal, and if i can take that feeling on for a group of boys like my crew I do. They are my kids and I don't think they know it.

All the friends I have there has been some kind of bonding, now a winning of friendship. Maybe Piper, she was always very persistent. She use to annoy me out of my mind, somehow we pushed through that. You and I bonded in theatre. As you know well a theatre environment forges bonds much quicker and more intense then in the regular world.

Ill keep thinking about this and update as I come up with it.

day 2

1. I hate being looked at by strangers.

2. Even though I can see something sexually attractive in every person I see, I don't see why any one would want me.

3. My eyes are turning green, they use to be very hazel.

4. I am much more sensitive then people think. Even though I don't show that what people say effects my, I carry it with me for longer then I should.

5. I'm gay

6. I still think about killing myself, and know exactly how I would do it, But never will because I couldn't stand to break the hearts of a small handful of people. I couldn't do that.

7. I have very little confidence in my art, but I keep going to art markets and keep making stuff.

8. I have only slept with one person sober.

9. You now know more about me then just about anyone.

Day One

1. I am mostly gay, unless Im drunk then I am an equal opportunity horny shit.

2. I loved you and was willing to give you everything.

3. I loved you and moved 1200 miles for you, fucker.

4. I miss you so so much.

5. Im sorry I cant be the person you wanted me to be.

6. I cant have kids, quit asking for grandchildren.

7. I deserve more.

8. my god, i just want to bit your bicep. nom nom nom. SEXY.

9. You don't know what you lost. Because you never knew me.

10. Shut the fuck up! I AM TIRED OF HEARING YOUR LOUD ALL HOURS SEX, WE GET IT YOUR VERY SEXUALLY SATISFIED.

Deja Vu

"Already Seen"

I need to keep better track of my dreams. They are premonitions more and more often. Rarly completely what will happen.

I am on a street car, with a wonderful girl, I feel completely in love with her. Its snowing and or raining and cold. Her kisses are incredible. i wish i could remember more of the dream, but I was in school. and it was also partly set on that german, italian, breckenridge street i dream about. the one with the cinnamon rolls and the sausages. I am a student in college. And at one point am on the tourist pirate ship that server the pale beer in the frozen mugs.

starange to start with.

Until today I meet Shawna on the street car.

I dont know what the point of writing is, what the point of talking is, or even the point of living at the moment. I am exhausted, and sick of having a broken, bruised and battered heart. WIth life and joy comes pain. But shouldn't the joy be worth the pain. Too often then not I have more pain the joy. I am alone and lonely. Every time I try to reach out, my hand is slapped down. So i reach out less frequently and more timidly. Eventually I wont reach out at all any more.

I dont have the strength to go on caring for people while getting so little in return. I don' t know how i can keep loving while getting stepped on. I don't think people realize how much i do. i feel stretched to thin. doing small things for so many people, never being able to give enough attention to any one person or thing to earn anything in return. THe further i get the less i feel i deserve. I feel so incapable, so useless and pathetic. The more I am used the more i feel i have no value to offer.

Why do i even try

I am thuraly unhappy in my job, it needs to change. I want to slit my wrists here. I cry nearly every day, I am not listened to, and not appreciated. When I say I am already over my head they put more on me. and when i say i need help, they say keith will take it. but he is the one putting more and more on me. They honestly think I do nothing. I need someone to talk to, I need so support or understanding. Maybe it is just time to go back to colorado.

Just put my finger on something

Something has been bothering me for a while. I have been mulling it over. It has been a general unease. For months now. What it boils down to is the perception that saying I was in love with a man puts on me.

When I started dating Mo he was a she. And that fit how I saw myself and how I want the world to know me. I flirt and have flings with men, but don't connect with them. As I moved in to a serious relationship with Mo the fact that the world saw me as dating a man did not bother me at the time. Mostly because seeing him you know he is not your typical male. Therefor I felt I was still being honest to myself and the face I presented to the world.

Now that it is over, my history includes a long term committed (kinda) relationship with a man. I feel like this makes me a Lier. I will always consider myself Gender Non-discriminate. But I feel dishonest saying yes I was in love once with a man. because it is not the full truth.

And society does not recognize words like Gender Queer, or Trans Gender as a gender. So anytime I share my past I am forced to either share more then is my right, less then is honest or lie. i do not like this feeling. I do not want to feel dishonest or disloyal. I know that recognizing how i feel about this is the best place to start to solve this feeling in me. Now What is the next step?

Lady in the Merror

Good morning, lady. You look slightly familiar. You have my eyes, but sometimes thats all I recognize in you. Your hair is longer then mine and red, your skin paler then mine should be. You are slimmer, stronger yet more gentile then I am. Even those eyes I recognize are a lighter shade of green then my hazel eyes. You have collar bones, mine have never shown under my little girl skin. You are wearing my cloths but they look different on you. I think I know you.

I can not stop thinking about this amazing women I meet who I will probably never see again!

Feeling Self Concious

Well I have had an interesting few....... well ok so my whole life. Last night sticks with it and was fun.

I actually went out. Picture that, I had a life for the night. Met an amazing women named Shannon, I really hope to see her again. There are so many tourists in town, I assumed she was one too. But she's not! woo. She lives on St Johns Bayou. I am so jealous of that location. I miss seeing bayou every day.

Any way the reason I went out last night is a high school friend is in town. Took her out, did the Bourbon thing. Hit the Gay bar, met some great people, and danced lots! Enough, more latter, now its time to go work brunch! Peppy, I'm Peppy, or at least will be after coffee.

where to start....where to start. this is what happens when you wait to long to write.

Well, I think that my mood and my weight are directly related, and in the opposite way then expected. as i loose weight i get depressed. thats kinda backwards. maybe its hormonal, and then when I'm depressed my weight goes back up, and when its back up Im happy again.

How the FUCK does that make any since at all?

So to go along with my weight is coming down and my mood is low too. Work fuckign sucks right now. long and short, i am the whipping girl in a mans world.

I am completely lonely right now. all i want is to have some girly friend time. with out their significant others, its so frustrating being the only single lady around a ll these cupels. I hate always being the 3 rd or 5 th wheel.

I need to get my ass moving, get some endorphins up. get out of my house for a few minutes.

however i did get a good deal of art type prep work done yesterday. up dressed walk to the art store.

I have been kinda upset lattly. Well more depressed then upset. For a whole range of reasons, annoyance with myself being a large one. But I am working on it.

One of the things deffinatly bringing me down is the constant negativity around work. Everyone bitches non stop, everything is wrong, everything is bad. I am not sure when we stoped being a team here or how to get that back.

I will probably start walking away form people when they bitch. There is a huge difference between bitching, venting, and expressing a legitimate problem. I am willing to listen to venting, and legit problems, but the bitching is so overwhelming.

And you know what. I would like a chance to speak. Seriously if I am your best friend, shut the fuck up for 2 min so I can say anyting. I know I dont talk much, but really if you have been babbaling non stop, breath maybe so I can atleast get one word in. Do you have a dam clue what is going on in my life right now. Well yes you do because I dont have a life, but do you know what is going on in my head at all?

I have not been able to stop crying, I have had a perma frown on my face, and I have not looked anyone in the eye. If you knew me at all you would recognize this. Em did.

Yes I and getting better and going out last night did me leaps and bounds of good. I came in smiling to myself, and you are bringing me down!

Ok now I'm fucking Pissed

I work, I work my ass off, I slack. No matter how much I work or don't I get no feed back so whats the fucking point?

I know I should not let this get to me because its all just hearsay, a roumer from someone who I decided not to trust a while ago. But to the best of my knowledge he has never lied to me, I just don't trust him to keep his mouth shut. Well he said that my boss said something nasty against me. Apparently according to said loud mouth source, my boss said that he does half my job. Amazing since I say that about him.

So its 8 am, i have been here for over an hour working off the clock. hm yeah I dont work.

fuck it. I'm gonna go make some coffee take a break and then do my work. Because I a good employee dammit.

A tv show just broke my heart. Apparently I am even a more emotional person then I thought.

I was thinking about some of the people I have dated, a very short list.

One, one that loves me and never should have. That loves me wiht out any reason or knowledge of me. Is a doll. To be dressed up, to be told what to do. This is a quality I do not value in a person what so ever.

I want someone to love, who does not loose or change them selves to be with me, and does not want me to change for them. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know that technically LOVE is linked to insanity, the way the brain works, love changes it. I would like to fall in love and not lose bits, or chunks of me.

Until then I dont want to love. I dont want to fall for some one whodrinks too much, does drugs, will abuse me, or lie to me. There has got to be a honest, sane person out there who is calm, not too wild, who will love me.

I am intelligent, Kind, Compatent and Loving. I deserve a human who is the same. I dont need beauty, I dont need money. I know I am asking alot, but I believe I deserve alot and there are some things I just wount settel on.