Grumpy

I am grumpy lately. Stupid people are getting under my skin. Also I feel honorably fat. I gained everything back that I had lost after leaving Jeana. Kept it all off thru Tricia but once I broke up with her and thru Susan I fell off my little diet and oversize wagon. I need to walk to work more and ride my bike and the bus less. Just little changes. But I am so exhausted it is a hard change. Gonna do it. Need to.

Aside from feeling fat right now. I think I am getting to the point my head and heart are ready to start thinking about dating again.

Depression is a Curse

A stupid, pointless weak state of being. I don't see any reason for it other then a curse. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. Or cry and scream and rage.

home sick and lonly. there we go. thats the feeling. or part of it atleast. I miss my family

I am trying to figure out how i feel right now. I never got the chance to write my letter to Jeana on here. Hopefully I will soon. I slept in today with Chief, made groceries and came home. Ate a little and laid dawn for a nap. I woke up feeling horrible. My stomach is upset and I have a headache that is making me dizzy. Pulse I have this feeling in my heart I had a year ago. After Tricia broke up with me one of those too many times. We were laying in the park and she was appologizing. Its this deep uneasy betrayed feeling. Maybe I woke from a dream while I napped that speared that feeling. It shouldn't be Chief he has done nothing wrong.

We went to a peep show last night with friends and he stayed with me. Good sex, lots of cuddling sleep in. All that is just fine. It is causing me a slight bit of anxiety, the whole I am gay and sleeping with a man thing. and the fact that we have not been very carful.

I think my time frame, sleeping, eating and such not being on schedule is fucking with my mood. I have to work tonight from 10 to midnight for inventory. I feel like I wasted a day. Don't et me wrong. cuddling with Chief for hours was wonderful and I did need to rest. Still do I think. But I always feel guilty when I don't gogogogogogo all day. I am not good at relaxing. and I think I am not as good at being alone right now as I use to be. I think I need a good cry. So much has changed and happened in the past few weeks. I think a little release would be good for me.

From Susan's Facebook

"when you fall inlove, it is a temporary madness. it erupts like an earth quake and then it subsides. and when it subsides, you have to make a decision. you have to work out whether your roots are to become some what entwined together, that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. because this is what love is. love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not lying awake at night imagining that she is kissing every part of your body. no...dont blush. i am telling you some truths. for that is just being inlove, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. love itself is what is left over when being inlove has burned away..."

I dissagree. Being 'Inlove" can last a life time. I have seen old couples in parks and at restaurants who still look longingly in to each others eyes. I believe lust is what she is talking about. and when that LUST subsides enough to see clearly in a relationship you need communication, and warmth to sustain the conniction. Passion can be life long. Sex and talking is not just got the first few weeks of a relationship.

And I will not settle for less or take all of the blame in this. She can blame me. But I will not accept it all. I know I am seeking out feeling wanted sexually right now and that does have to do with her not wanting me. At least in part.

I have to say, as disappointing as last night was, or should have been. I have just written it off to how I believe most men are. All the text messages were so wonderful, romantic, dirty, slow, and carring. But when it comes down to it. He is just another primitive beast. My friend yes. But a beast focused on the target. Hey at least I can say I have tried it. And I guess it wasn't so bad. Not nearly as satisfying or interesting as eating pussy, but then again I am a lesbian.

I find it interesting the double standers our society has. A straight woman can fool around with women now and then and she is still straight and accepted. How ever a Gay woman sleeping with a man is viewed as a betrayal, as not a real lesbian. I have to admit I am a little guilt of this double standard myself. I watched Chasing Amy a week or 2 ago. I got so irate that she would betray her Gay identity and form this sexual, committed relationship with a man. So maybe thats what this is all supposed to show me. I am more fluid and so is the world. No I don't attach to men. But can admit I am attracted to them the same way straight women are attracted to the bombshell they encounter. I know that there are alot of people in the lesbian community who would be disgusted by this. But if they are it is not someone I want in my life anyway. I want openminded evolved people in my life.

I am not saying I am done with this selfish boy, because I very much enjoy the teasing on text message, the attention of it and the creativity of it. Perhaps he is just like Chris, wonderful at the text, IM and phone stuff, but totally inept with human beings. Maybe to him I am a different person when we text. I know he is a little different to me. His flaws fade and he can become a fantasy person. And no how wonderful truth is, it will never match the fantisy. even it surpasses the fantasy it is still slightly a let down.

Confused and Lonly

I got the job, and I am thrilled. So ready for a challenge and a change. But someone who is suppose to be my good friend didn't want to go celebrate with me last night, on top of i heard she had been spreading rumors about me. sucks. So yes I am lonely. I miss having good friends around me. I have so much love and Wonderful friends far away. I don't want to make new ones. I want mine with me.

I went out with the hashers last night instead and that was great. I think that this will be a place I can make some real friends, and some acquaintances. And hopefully one really close friend.

Now we get to the confused part. I have a great male friend. Turns out he is in love with me. I already kinda knew this. Knew he was attracted to me and that he loved me. My mother always warned me men cant separate love from in love. But I am confused. I am attracted to. I feel like I can understand a straight woman wanting to try being with a woman every now and then. But shouldn't a lesbian be more black and white. Know herself better then that?

Is this because of my biological clock? Loneliness? Sexual Frustration? And the desire to be desired. The attention is wonderful. I don't know if the sex would be worth risking the friendship. I have never enjoyed sex with men. But never slept with one man more then twice. And really Kevin wasn't at all about pleasing me. Or anyone but himself. And with Jehmal and Gene I was drunk. But then again I have never been able to sleep with a man sober. I wish we could just get to the kiss part so I could make a better decision of if I wanted it to move further. He does want me to give him head, yes we have been sexting with wonderful detail, and I don't know how i feel about the whole sucking cock thing. Never done it. or I might have with Jehmal but once again I was drunk. I told him we need to spend some time together alone and see what happens.

All of this he is the ex of the friend who didn't want to go out with me last night and has been spreading rumors. Girl rule is you don't mess with friends ex's but more sacred should be you don't gossip and lie about your friends. I need to distance myself from her again anyway. He also wants to keep us a secret so "people don't get jealous" meaning Meg. She is still really hung up on him and is not moving forward.

I have the fear and desire of getting pregnant with him. We would make a beautiful awkward brilliant and most likely autistic child. He has asbergers and I well you know what kind of weird I am. But I don't mind a child with leaning differences. Mine have made me better for it. Not that I can raise a kid alone and have no intention of this friends with benefits thing becoming a relationship. huh now that I wrote that, maybe this can just be a friend who I occasionally sleep with. Might not be a bad thing for me.

I miss you, wish we could share a beautiful few glasses of bourbon. I could cry I am so lonely.