I get so irritated when people make plans and then don't follow thru with them. I am supposed to be spending the morning with T and she is mad at me for something I said to a friend that got back to him and then her. I called him a tool which i would say to his face. He is a tool, a back shaving shoe to hat matching, short little white boy who thinks he is black tool. and she wont even say hey i am pissed I am canceling our breakfast plans. I really don't like it when people are unreliable. I have been pissed at her many times but if we had plans i followed thru with them. Because my word is important to me. And it needs to mean something to me.

I want to pack up and start over. I have suck strong gypsy instincts and they are nagging at me right now. I doing know if the New Orleans heat is making it worse. But work is stressful and I love T but don't know how this is ever gonna change.

I know that I am a fatalist and I think that is one thing this relationship is suppose to be teaching me. That things have rough patches without having to end. With work in a rough patch and my relationship in the same I think I am suppose to be learning right now that you can work thru it if you want to. The bottom is not going to drop right out of everything all the time. Some things can last for a bit. I know nothing lasts for ever, but things can last for more then a few months. I will get thru this. One way or another. I will prevail and come out on top. Gonna keep saving in case I do get fired. Gonna keep my eyes, arms and heart open to where the future is leading me.

It is a great talent of mine that I can calm, comfort and understand just about anyone. I know peoples buttons and how to get thru to them. And ya know what? some times I wish someone one had the same ability to handle me. Because I am really fucking loosing it right now and it would be nice.

So much wearing on me, work and love. ah. really All it would take is a sweet treat and a hug to coddle me right now. Is that so much to ask for?

"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

I may cry today.

a moment

Its amazing how a moment can hit you out of nowhere. Walking along. Making it. Happy. And out of nowhere I get hit with a wave of heart break. Without warning or reason. Nothing has changed, yet I have this wave of dread sucking me under. I know it will pass. The whole day has been wonderful and stressful. All work wise. Now siting on my dinner break a feeling of the loss of T. It hit me from out of nowhere. I haven't lost her although some times it feels like I have or should. I feel like if I took a large enough breath in right now I could burst in to tears. I love this woman. Don't feel like I can rely on her. Want to make it work. Do I just not want to give up?

Nut up or Shut up

I will be shutting up. Ok I run my mouth to much. Especially when I am confused and hurt. And ya know what? I need to learn to keep it to myself. I am an idiot and too many people know that right now. This whole thing with T. Back and forth and me talking about it. Saying with such conviction it needs to end and then me taking it back makes me look like a fool. Every relationship has its problems and not everyone runs around talking about it. I need to stop sharing every up and down of this relationship. there are a lot of little tid bits of wisdom and logic today coming at me. "follow your heart" "things end bad or they don't end at all"

I love her. My heart tells me that this could be the love of my life. My brain and fear are the ones telling me to run.

So time to keep this relationship to myself and a small select group of people. I have alot of good friends and feel the need to share my life with them but i think i need to pull back some of that information. I don't know all the ups and downs of their lives they don't need to know mine.