Doin it! Week one Day one.

I started the Couch to 5k program again today. Did it on my way to work. Really its New Orleans, me getting here sweaty is nothing new, and I have to gt to work some how, might as well run it. It takes 15 min longer then  the bus. So no biggie. other then the blood blister on my big toe. Boo why do I always get that. Hopefully I will just build a callus against it.

Now where the stress and panic factor in. We have a new Executive Sous Chef. Biggest dirt bag title ever. Yes out sous is incompetent and out Exec is MIA. So we need the leadership, blah blah blah. I am down for more management our kitchen needs it. BUT the National Chef the big boy is in town and thinks my position should not exist as it is. He thinks it should go back to what it was. Just signing and putting shit away. So for this week I have been booted out of my office. The supervisors and Exec Sous are learning how to do my job. Purchasing and invoicing and such. So this week I am linking all of the back office files to the Micros system. because there is no connection and it is making our inventory all weird.

After this week, I have no idea what my job will entail. or of I will have a job at all for that matter. So I am doing what I am asked, and working with very little direction. Trying to not panic. Fuck if I could have worked this job for 2 years I could find a job in any restaurant. Now I am just a dabbler. Abby the Rest Director seems to want to keep me. So I will work my ass off for her this week and hope that pays off.

Fat

So I am officially back to the heaviest #'s. How ever I am still 2 dress sizes from my heaviest. cant tell ya how that one works. I am totally out of shape. I have 9 weeks till I have 3 5k runs in one weekend. I need to start running NOW to be able to do this with out killing myself. I tried to take a run with the dog. she was not having it at all. poor little thing can not run. so i need to figure a way to get my run in and her walk and still have time to sleep and socialize and of course work. maybe i will just start running to work and change when i get here. its worth a try at least.

I don't want to do the diet thing. I don't want to get back to a place where i am obsessed with counting calories and scrutinizing everything i eat. i think if i just keep my exerciser at a healthy level i wont have to resort to that. i don't care about being skinny, but i do want to move better and have more energy.

i wonder what its like to not have this as one of the main things you think about and struggle with. i know everybody has something that they struggle with. i just wonder what its like to have a different struggle.

Constant chaos and movement masks my lonely heart.
deep down in side i am screaming for a real connection
someone to know me, someone to love me.
someone to understand and comfort me.
my soul longs for someone to be with.
i love love and i miss love, real love
not only romantic but family love
long time friend, knows you without speaking love
The things in side no one is seeing are still there
the empty place in my heart, an anxiety that none of it will last
Queens somebody to love is on constant repeat in my head.
my single state recently has been supplemented and filled by new friends.
potentiol long term friends, but so many of them that none of them know me.
I want people to rely on. i want people who are as willing to take care of me when needed as i am to take care of them.

I am fat and out of shape.
My house is dirty
My dog needs her nails trimmed
my bank account is small.

i need to pull my shit together.

i need a good long cry and someone to hold me.

i love how being social feels like sugar melting on your tong, i need some nourishment. not just a short term sugar high.

Grumpy

I am grumpy lately. Stupid people are getting under my skin. Also I feel honorably fat. I gained everything back that I had lost after leaving Jeana. Kept it all off thru Tricia but once I broke up with her and thru Susan I fell off my little diet and oversize wagon. I need to walk to work more and ride my bike and the bus less. Just little changes. But I am so exhausted it is a hard change. Gonna do it. Need to.

Aside from feeling fat right now. I think I am getting to the point my head and heart are ready to start thinking about dating again.

Depression is a Curse

A stupid, pointless weak state of being. I don't see any reason for it other then a curse. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. Or cry and scream and rage.

home sick and lonly. there we go. thats the feeling. or part of it atleast. I miss my family

I am trying to figure out how i feel right now. I never got the chance to write my letter to Jeana on here. Hopefully I will soon. I slept in today with Chief, made groceries and came home. Ate a little and laid dawn for a nap. I woke up feeling horrible. My stomach is upset and I have a headache that is making me dizzy. Pulse I have this feeling in my heart I had a year ago. After Tricia broke up with me one of those too many times. We were laying in the park and she was appologizing. Its this deep uneasy betrayed feeling. Maybe I woke from a dream while I napped that speared that feeling. It shouldn't be Chief he has done nothing wrong.

We went to a peep show last night with friends and he stayed with me. Good sex, lots of cuddling sleep in. All that is just fine. It is causing me a slight bit of anxiety, the whole I am gay and sleeping with a man thing. and the fact that we have not been very carful.

I think my time frame, sleeping, eating and such not being on schedule is fucking with my mood. I have to work tonight from 10 to midnight for inventory. I feel like I wasted a day. Don't et me wrong. cuddling with Chief for hours was wonderful and I did need to rest. Still do I think. But I always feel guilty when I don't gogogogogogo all day. I am not good at relaxing. and I think I am not as good at being alone right now as I use to be. I think I need a good cry. So much has changed and happened in the past few weeks. I think a little release would be good for me.