Everyone being pregnant sucks. I am so jealous.

Patience

Alright. I know I am the only one I can answer to on this. But I still need to say it.

I gave Tricia a few ultimatums, One that she had to leave Adam and 2 that she had to get her mood under control.

I am sticking to this.

Today she told me she ended it with Adam. Now I will believe it when I see it and it sticks. But the effort is appreciated.

And just because I voice this people think I am taking her back. No not yet there are still other requirements to fill.

And there is my answer

Yep she broke up with me. "I have decided I love him and want to stay with him" even though he is verbally abusive and yeah I like pussy.

What ever! I know who I am and what I want. And If I cant hold you to that same stranded, you don't deserve me. I am willing to fight for what I want, and work for it.

She is a cowered! She knows that she is not happy but she is willing to stay. Lovely. Not my responsibility any more.

I think I'm gonna go be a player for a while. Watch out ladies here I come.

I need a community

I need to find something to be a part of. I am a lonely person right now. And with Tricia pulling away, I need to reach out and build a family. The people who are so close to me are all so far away. I need support here.

I do not understand this woman. she can have 3 moods in 2 minutes. one text message can be lovey and sweet and the next is cold and snarky. If this ends up continuing she is going to have to get help for the mood swings. The more distant I am the more she wants me. I know I can learn to play her, pull every sting like a cello. But do I want to? I am highly adaptive, and can mold if i want to. But will playing her game leave me lacking in something? I have been trying to be supportive, she sees it as pushy. Ok so no more telling here I want to see her or that I care. I can do that. For now. I am sure in a few days she will be begging for attention again.

Am I holding on to this because I love her, because of everything I sacrificed for this, or because I am stubborn?

I do care for here very much. And I know that if she would just nut up and make changes, we could make a beautiful life together. She would have to have enough courage to make that change. She is so concerned over the financial security and this word "family". Her family unit as it is now is obviously not working. The baby is so stressed out she is ripping out chunks of her hair. Tricia is saying that she will always have a women in her life, and in order for Adam to accept that he has to have one to. Sounds even to me, but not something I want to be a part of. I have been very blunt about how I feel about Poly relationships and that it is a boundary of mine I will not let be crossed.

That type of relationship to me is so incomplete. No one in the whole unit gets everything they need. Someone always ends up unsatisfied. Everyone has to sacrifice large things. Not compromises that are necessary for any relationship to work, but give up whole pieces of what they want. For her fantasy to play out. I would have to give up wanting a family and a home with my partner. I will not sacrifice that.

She has spoken about wanting a home with me. Wanting to be away from him. I think she is just scared at the moment.

Back to the point, a community for me. I was watching Whip It yesterday, and she joins a roller durby team and finds all this love. And watching Glee I remember that feeling of being a part of something bigger then me. Something great. I am taking some time to think about something I would like to spend time doing, and would like to make bonds with people who are f a like mind even on just the one thing.

There is a running league here, they do scavenger hunts on their runs, except they are a drinking club with a running problem. That my problem with alot of the "group" activities here. So lets see what do I like to do?

Art

Exercise

Read (Boarders closes in a few days)

Write

Music

Be in the sun

Be home

Cook

I should get back in to the art market world. I am not feeling motivated or inspired. This is the point being an artist becomes a job. How do you build your motivation. Do you grab a big piece of paper and scribble till you loosen up? Recreate something you have already made? Having several of something to sell has been a challenge for me. But if I am not feeling anything new, perhaps recreating the old designs is the direction I should move in.

Yes thats the direction. Focus on the books that I made. Find something educational to listen to or watch while I do it.

Take Tricia one moment at a time. When I break I do, enjoy the moments. Take the world as it comes. And get my 401K rolling. So I feel like I am working for the future.

I feel like a Non Person right now. I feel so used and abused, unappreciated and pushed around. I am sitting at work, not even 10 am yet and I have had to explain 3 times why I am here on my day off. I no longer get holiday pay for what ever underhanded manipulative reason. Yes I work for peanuts, don't count as either opps or admin. It took me 6 months when i got this job to find out what my title was, still have never seen a job description despite asking for so long. Its like telling me you work your ass off but we don't care. I am so agrivated.

Between T breaking up wiht me and then wanting me back then telling me she wants to keep me and the man, and then more back and forth on her part on everything. and losing friends over her. I just wanna crawl in to a whole and eat cookies and cry. Except i have no appetite. I am making myself eat woo.

K no more bitching I gotta find the optamisum

I feel so stressed out, joyed, overwhelmed, loved, devastated, determined, scared, confused and clear all at the same time.

I feel so many things right now, they surface like waves in the ocean. Each new wave bringing up a new feeling. Churning, mixing and blurring the previous feeling. I have started this new journey with a wonderful woman I am falling madly in love with. Gaining so much in her and losing other things. Anything you gain in this world comes with a consequence. More money usually comes with less free time. Being thin comes with restrictions on what you can eat. Love comes with less time for other things. Being an artist alienates me from the world.

I am losing some of my free time. I feel like our friends that suspect us are pulling back. With them my mentor and my friend in pursuing art. There is an art market this weekend that this mentor has not mentioned to me. In the past she has been so supportive of me getting out there. She has told me about markets I didn't know about. I don't want to lose this small art community I have just started to build.

She is in a difficult place and I am trying to be supportive and positive for her. I have voiced my own concerns and now I want to be there for her. From he side of the story the man she is trying to leave is being a giant dick and spit on her this morning. I am staying out of their drama and away from him. I am just listening to her.

I feel everything, all this stress and confusion is going to be worth it. I think we have a shot of life. I know I should be living in the moment, and for the moment. The zen thing to to is to not plan, not worry about the future. But with out a goal I am lost in the world. Everything gets out of control. How are you suppose to live for the moment when you are paycheck to paycheck. How are you suppose to accomplish the things that are needed for life, like laundry, work, dishes when you are not suppose to be looking forward.

I need goals. I want a career, which is happily on a good course. I want a home, I want love and a family. I don't think this is too much to shoot for and I think I need to have this dream in my sight to get through being broke and get thru being secretive right now.

I have always had a mixture of being a commitment fobe and jumping in to fast being impulsive. Maybe this is all happening this way so I have to take it slow, not jump in to fast and scare myself so I run away.

I feel alive right now, as scared and confused as I am. I feel like I am not just sleep walking thru the motions. I feel like I am here to experience, not just here out of obligation. For so long I have been living because there was no other option. The thing that motivated me were gray and dull. I work to survive. I created art to make the world colorful. And to feel. I sold the art because it was overrunning my house. I desperately reached out for a connection to anything and anyone. Just to feel something, some love some connection. Then I pulled back when I couldn't reach out anymore.

I have been in autopilot and obligation mode for so long I had forgotten there is another way. There is doing thing not just to fill time, not just to spend it. But to invest it. Do things because they create joy. I am no longer just killing time till something ends this thing I called life. I am living. All these emotions I had blocked out for so long are overwhelming. I have been numb, depressed and just going thru the motions for so long. I had moments of enjoyment but nothing worth calling joy.

I enjoyed my coffee, and the feeling of being alone in my home. Of freedom. I was not alive I was just living.

The moment I came out the world turned around. I stopped wishing I would get hit by a bus so it would be over. I stopped pushing everyone away. I made a choice to be alive and that one choice has changed so much for me. I see things clearer then I have in a while. I see a future where before it was blank. I accomplished my greatest life goal the day I graduated form college. That was as far as I had ever dreamed before. And when it was over so was my reason. Reason for life. I have wandered since. Feeling trapped, trying to find who I was again. I could no longer be that dedicated, headstrong person with a goal. I had no goal. So I floated. Taking what ever opportunity that struck me at the time. With no future in sight, no plan, no goal.

I pray that this is not just a temporary break from the gray rain I have been living in. I have had a few blue sky days, moments, and weeks in the past few years. Nothing that was lasting. I pray that the storm is ending. That telling the world I am gay, and letting myself live the way I have felt for so long will change the gray I lived in for so long.

Please let this continue. Please let me continue to be alive. I will work for it, I will fight for it. If my future is with Tricia or if she is just temporary to teach me, I see a future to work for. I see a life worth being alive for. Not just a life I am living for the sake of others.

Not sure how I am suppose to find the hours in the day to do everything........