I have been kinda upset lattly. Well more depressed then upset. For a whole range of reasons, annoyance with myself being a large one. But I am working on it.

One of the things deffinatly bringing me down is the constant negativity around work. Everyone bitches non stop, everything is wrong, everything is bad. I am not sure when we stoped being a team here or how to get that back.

I will probably start walking away form people when they bitch. There is a huge difference between bitching, venting, and expressing a legitimate problem. I am willing to listen to venting, and legit problems, but the bitching is so overwhelming.

And you know what. I would like a chance to speak. Seriously if I am your best friend, shut the fuck up for 2 min so I can say anyting. I know I dont talk much, but really if you have been babbaling non stop, breath maybe so I can atleast get one word in. Do you have a dam clue what is going on in my life right now. Well yes you do because I dont have a life, but do you know what is going on in my head at all?

I have not been able to stop crying, I have had a perma frown on my face, and I have not looked anyone in the eye. If you knew me at all you would recognize this. Em did.

Yes I and getting better and going out last night did me leaps and bounds of good. I came in smiling to myself, and you are bringing me down!

Ok now I'm fucking Pissed

I work, I work my ass off, I slack. No matter how much I work or don't I get no feed back so whats the fucking point?

I know I should not let this get to me because its all just hearsay, a roumer from someone who I decided not to trust a while ago. But to the best of my knowledge he has never lied to me, I just don't trust him to keep his mouth shut. Well he said that my boss said something nasty against me. Apparently according to said loud mouth source, my boss said that he does half my job. Amazing since I say that about him.

So its 8 am, i have been here for over an hour working off the clock. hm yeah I dont work.

fuck it. I'm gonna go make some coffee take a break and then do my work. Because I a good employee dammit.

A tv show just broke my heart. Apparently I am even a more emotional person then I thought.

I was thinking about some of the people I have dated, a very short list.

One, one that loves me and never should have. That loves me wiht out any reason or knowledge of me. Is a doll. To be dressed up, to be told what to do. This is a quality I do not value in a person what so ever.

I want someone to love, who does not loose or change them selves to be with me, and does not want me to change for them. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know that technically LOVE is linked to insanity, the way the brain works, love changes it. I would like to fall in love and not lose bits, or chunks of me.

Until then I dont want to love. I dont want to fall for some one whodrinks too much, does drugs, will abuse me, or lie to me. There has got to be a honest, sane person out there who is calm, not too wild, who will love me.

I am intelligent, Kind, Compatent and Loving. I deserve a human who is the same. I dont need beauty, I dont need money. I know I am asking alot, but I believe I deserve alot and there are some things I just wount settel on.

Now that my life is my own again, its time to get it back under control. Get my house clean and my psyche, and eating habits back in check. I gave away a book that i very much want to read again. I suppose its time to buy it again. It is worth it.

Vanessa is a drugged up mess, it makes me sad the fact that me friend has killed her personality. the person i cared about with drugs. The face is still there, the girl is gone.

Thank god for the friends I have. I am very very lucky and I know that. Some day they will be closer. But as for now i am content.

I hate feeling out of control. To start I already have speech problems, and then the other night i had a few drinks, and poof there goes my control. I end up speaking backwards, skipping bits and pieces. I know it just comes off as i am more drunk then I actual am. That makes me feel stupid too. More then anything I hate to feel stupid, and less then I know I am.

I wish i could cry right now. get it out before i have to go function well. I feel the edge of it coming on. If i don't get it out now i hope that it does not come at all today. I know its just work and i know i should not let it get to me. But it is my life, and what i have worked for and when i feel unappreciated, or even unwanted in a place i have invested myself in so much. I can not help bt feel disheartened and beat down. I worked my ass of this week, and my boss just thinks i did not do enough. seriously? i covered the week. im not saying i did a better job then he did but we are suppose to be a team. a fucking team. that means we work together. i cover you. you cover me. but when i went out of town he did some of my weekly paperwork. when he leaves i do everything! everything. and im his fucking assistant. i wish i had taken the position when it was open but at teh same time i do ot want it. I just wish there was someone in that position that was more compatent. so i was not alone or left in the dark so much of thies shit. comunicate please. i can not read mindes, or atleast not yours. there are minds that i can but his is not one of them.

think think think. where should I be, where do i want to be. who loves me. who should i love. are the people i am thinking about thinking about me.

A friend got drunk the other night. spilled a secret she has been keeping for too long. now i can not stop thinking about her. i don't know if she even remembers telling me. but it is something i have known for a very long time. i cant get her off my mind. i just want to hug her. be there for her.

Now I am really confused. So a few weeks ago I discussed with my love the idea of marriage. off the bat i was completely against it. said i don't want to get married that it is an antiquated ritual, and a legal contract. nothing more. well in the time since i have been thinking about it alot.

I do want the love and commitment of a marriage. I want to have my friends and family support this, by viewing a ceremony. so I tell this to my love last night, and now he says he does not know what he thinks about marriage. that the legal bull shit is something that he does not want a part of, but might be happy with a ceremony.

So now i am so confused, perhaps the 2 of us put enough questions in to each others minds to change both of our opinions. so my opinion at this moment is,

I want a commitment, a ceremony, a love. I do not want to tie my credit or financial Independence in a legal contract to anyone. when it comes to children or owning a home that may change. Any of it may change at anytime.

The clarity that i wanted i am getting. New Orleans will always be there, i can go back. But if i dont try a life with Mo it might not always be there to go back to. and i will never know if i can be completely loved. I am not ready to leave New Orleans but I think i will be relatively soon. I can always go back to nola if i am unhappy.

I have not had a De Ja Vaux in a while, so maybe I am not on my correct path. So I still need some clarity and some time to discuss with him. But i guess i am starting to bend.