I feel very cut off

I have been fighting with my roommate, she calles me selfish, and other hurtful things. Im starting to believe her. But i dont think im selfish, i think im so focused on her and making her happy that i have noglected every other relationship i have. It makes me feel very alone. I feel abused, and battered. It breaks my heart that somone i have put so much enerrgy in to thinks im selfish. I ask myself, is this true? and i come up with I am independent. ans what i see this boiling down to is that she has gotten so codependent with me, and i have let her. I have let her take over so much of me. I have faught for so long to not be that. I have been fighting the signs that i will follow in my mothers footsteps, just to find myself right back in them. Codependency is a trate of addictive personalities, holding grudges, is as well. I have worked and suffered to put these aspects of my life a side. Find peace and understanding, and then i find iv lost that path. Its so dissapointing, and frustrating. I could rant and ramble, but i wount. I make this vow to do my best to

Ask myself, is this selfish.

Concider just how I am felling.

Find that peace again

Remember I do not know all the reasons in the world, and i need to accept the things i have no controle over.

its not fair

its not fair when you are mad at me because i did not want to sit on uncomfortable chairs and watch you bake. I dont think i have an obligation to intertain you while you cook. Its not fair that you get mad at me when you wount tell me what you want from me. I have asked you a million times what type of beer you want, and you always say what ever. I get you a beer tonight and you are mad i did not read your mind and get you a cherry beer. You have to tell me i want the cherry, not the lager, or the pale, or the IPA or the other 100 beer options we have right no, when you say you dont care i am going to reach in the fridge and bring you the frist one i pull out.

I feel like you want the whole world from me but you are not willing to give me anything, you want my love my affection, you want me to think of you befor myself at every turn, but you are not thinking of me. i always have to come to you, i always have to try to make you happy, what about me. I know you think i am less then you, you have made that so clear, but i am here. And i could use someone in the world thinking about me. even if its just myself, i have to be someones first and foremost.

I am a lonly little meadow lark.

I sit by the rivers edge, signing my song day in and out.
i try to sing a happy little tune, but the woos of the world are slowly turning my tune sour.
as i sit here by my running water i see my fellow larks flying away,
their wind hs come to call them to far away places.
I hear their songs, their stories of the world beyond the trees.
And i wounder where is my wind?
will i ever fly away?
will my song ever brighten.
I do try to keep my song light, but the waters seem to dround me out.
will i die here by the river, will i ever get my chance to fly.
Where is the god of the sun?
and has he passed me over.
ill keep singing my little meadow lark song, trying to keep it bright, and one day the wind will call my name, ill keep listening.

Judgement

Why is it that most people walk around every day making judgments, is it to make themselves feel better? Do they say that person is so bad off to make them feel like they are doing well?

I don't think that its intentional but there are people in my life who i feel are holding me back, pulling me down and making it that much harder for me to breath.

And saying this makes me feel selfish, writing it in a journal that only one person reads makes this catty and underhanded. but i need to express some how, my debate.

How am i to live life, bright, happy, and content if 2 of the people that im so close to put me down, hold me back, flood me with self doughty and negativity. I think that every day i get just a little more aware of this. And the treat of seeing an old friend has made me so uncomfortable. Seeing one of the few people who has made me feel like i was a real person in every way has made me panic, and realize the things about myself i have let slide. let someone els convince me weren't part of me, pieces that fell away because they don't matter, that i don't deserve them, that they are out of my reach. Well all these things are not out of my reach, but i have stopped striving to grasp them.

Now the question is where do i go from here? Do i leave the one person who always wants me around. Do i give up the friend who has been by my side for 15 years, even through her judgments of me, and our disagreements. Just walking away from these two would leave me hollow and lonely but i do need to find away to rebuild myself despite them tearing me down.

Part of me just wants to stay here in Dallas, not go back to New Orleans, Start over. and i know i could here. People in New Orleans are just so guarded so shallow. in the time i spent in New Hampture i had built a Family by now. In Nola i don't even have sorta friends. Here people are open and friendly, there is more diversity, more of everything. There is just more.

I know this is a fleeting felling, I love New Orleans, the size of the city, the way the air feels, I just need someone, a friend, a lover, even just someone to fight with. But i need something more there then what I have.

I'm so devastated you think I'm selfish

I feel like my hrt has grown cold over the last year, a slow progression. I'm loosing or lost the ability to feel anger, lust, compaction, rage, I'm not even sure what other emotions I'm becoming numb to. Its been slow creeping up on me, iv only started to realize that I'm loosing my feelings. At first i thought i had conquered my anger. iv never been a very angry person so it wasn't hart to let that go, but bit by bit I'm realizing that i 'feel for myself anymore. i don't know how i fell, i know how others expect me to feel, and i understand how they feel, Have i started to lose myself?

Don't get me wrong i love my job, i am so happy with it. I do love this city and I'm happy to be here. But iv lost all my lust. i havent gotten angry in i cant remember how long, i feel hurt instead of angry now. turned that emotion inward. its going to be a great step back to get some prospective when i go to Dallas ill get to see friends that i miss, and get some time alone. sleep alone, not worry about someone els. Focus on just being me, what ever that means.

I want to not worry about how me needing to be alone will upset some one else. I'm not sure when me and mine, became less important then yours.

And this isn't just for me, My feelings are less important to the people around me then theirs, my money is less valuable, my time less precious. Like i should give everything of myself sacrifice every piece of me for them and what they want and need.

I feel very taken advantage of,

I have gotten myself in to a relationship that never should have been, i feel drained by him. I'm here and willing when he wants to talk, when he needs a piece of me and my energy, but when I need some support he is gone, back where he should be, supporting who he should be supporting and thats not me.

I have gotten myself in to all of this and its up to me to get me back out. and i will bet for now i just want someone to do something for me because they think i might need it not because they are trying to get something in return. I'm not asking the world just a bit of kindness. And i know that i do get little bits here and there and i am so grateful for a cup of tea that shows up on my desk, and the email that says your great. But right now those little bits are not enough to fule my heart and soul. I just feel drained and need to be recharged. I have been needing this for a long time, but now im at the bottom of my reserves, and im pulling away from my mom and piper because they take so much energy and cant offer any back, and they need me but im running on empty. the people who do give me fuel i either have been to busy to catch up with or our schedules don't line up well.

I just need to be patient, and focus on all the good i have in my life. because there is so much of it. tonight its just hard to hold on to.

Body Modification

I love tattoos, and piercings. i like to decorate my body, show my individuality on my skin. Make myself a piece of art work, But i do not understand body modification beyond this point. I don't understand taking hormones your body is not suppose to have to change the way you look. I don't understand taking steroids to get bigger stronger, and well creepier. Putting plastic in your body to shape and contour.

I will be supportive of my friends who decide to change themselves with Surgeries and medications, but I cant even pretend to understand it. Why mess with something already so perfect? Plastic surgeries scare me. They are dangerous and unpredictable. Removing pieces, putting artificial ones in. Snipping and clipping at flesh to shape, extend, shorten, lift, tighten, or pull is so unnatural to me.

Beauty is a gift nature has given us in the form of diversity. Arms, legs, stomachs, breasts, noses, lips and eyes. No two are the same for a reason.

To each, his own.

I will not stand in someone else's way in the persute of happiness. but i don't know if i will ever understand the mind set, or the reasons behind these artificial body modifications.