I am a lonly little meadow lark.

I sit by the rivers edge, signing my song day in and out.
i try to sing a happy little tune, but the woos of the world are slowly turning my tune sour.
as i sit here by my running water i see my fellow larks flying away,
their wind hs come to call them to far away places.
I hear their songs, their stories of the world beyond the trees.
And i wounder where is my wind?
will i ever fly away?
will my song ever brighten.
I do try to keep my song light, but the waters seem to dround me out.
will i die here by the river, will i ever get my chance to fly.
Where is the god of the sun?
and has he passed me over.
ill keep singing my little meadow lark song, trying to keep it bright, and one day the wind will call my name, ill keep listening.

Judgement

Why is it that most people walk around every day making judgments, is it to make themselves feel better? Do they say that person is so bad off to make them feel like they are doing well?

I don't think that its intentional but there are people in my life who i feel are holding me back, pulling me down and making it that much harder for me to breath.

And saying this makes me feel selfish, writing it in a journal that only one person reads makes this catty and underhanded. but i need to express some how, my debate.

How am i to live life, bright, happy, and content if 2 of the people that im so close to put me down, hold me back, flood me with self doughty and negativity. I think that every day i get just a little more aware of this. And the treat of seeing an old friend has made me so uncomfortable. Seeing one of the few people who has made me feel like i was a real person in every way has made me panic, and realize the things about myself i have let slide. let someone els convince me weren't part of me, pieces that fell away because they don't matter, that i don't deserve them, that they are out of my reach. Well all these things are not out of my reach, but i have stopped striving to grasp them.

Now the question is where do i go from here? Do i leave the one person who always wants me around. Do i give up the friend who has been by my side for 15 years, even through her judgments of me, and our disagreements. Just walking away from these two would leave me hollow and lonely but i do need to find away to rebuild myself despite them tearing me down.

Part of me just wants to stay here in Dallas, not go back to New Orleans, Start over. and i know i could here. People in New Orleans are just so guarded so shallow. in the time i spent in New Hampture i had built a Family by now. In Nola i don't even have sorta friends. Here people are open and friendly, there is more diversity, more of everything. There is just more.

I know this is a fleeting felling, I love New Orleans, the size of the city, the way the air feels, I just need someone, a friend, a lover, even just someone to fight with. But i need something more there then what I have.

I'm so devastated you think I'm selfish

I feel like my hrt has grown cold over the last year, a slow progression. I'm loosing or lost the ability to feel anger, lust, compaction, rage, I'm not even sure what other emotions I'm becoming numb to. Its been slow creeping up on me, iv only started to realize that I'm loosing my feelings. At first i thought i had conquered my anger. iv never been a very angry person so it wasn't hart to let that go, but bit by bit I'm realizing that i 'feel for myself anymore. i don't know how i fell, i know how others expect me to feel, and i understand how they feel, Have i started to lose myself?

Don't get me wrong i love my job, i am so happy with it. I do love this city and I'm happy to be here. But iv lost all my lust. i havent gotten angry in i cant remember how long, i feel hurt instead of angry now. turned that emotion inward. its going to be a great step back to get some prospective when i go to Dallas ill get to see friends that i miss, and get some time alone. sleep alone, not worry about someone els. Focus on just being me, what ever that means.

I want to not worry about how me needing to be alone will upset some one else. I'm not sure when me and mine, became less important then yours.

And this isn't just for me, My feelings are less important to the people around me then theirs, my money is less valuable, my time less precious. Like i should give everything of myself sacrifice every piece of me for them and what they want and need.

I feel very taken advantage of,

I have gotten myself in to a relationship that never should have been, i feel drained by him. I'm here and willing when he wants to talk, when he needs a piece of me and my energy, but when I need some support he is gone, back where he should be, supporting who he should be supporting and thats not me.

I have gotten myself in to all of this and its up to me to get me back out. and i will bet for now i just want someone to do something for me because they think i might need it not because they are trying to get something in return. I'm not asking the world just a bit of kindness. And i know that i do get little bits here and there and i am so grateful for a cup of tea that shows up on my desk, and the email that says your great. But right now those little bits are not enough to fule my heart and soul. I just feel drained and need to be recharged. I have been needing this for a long time, but now im at the bottom of my reserves, and im pulling away from my mom and piper because they take so much energy and cant offer any back, and they need me but im running on empty. the people who do give me fuel i either have been to busy to catch up with or our schedules don't line up well.

I just need to be patient, and focus on all the good i have in my life. because there is so much of it. tonight its just hard to hold on to.

Body Modification

I love tattoos, and piercings. i like to decorate my body, show my individuality on my skin. Make myself a piece of art work, But i do not understand body modification beyond this point. I don't understand taking hormones your body is not suppose to have to change the way you look. I don't understand taking steroids to get bigger stronger, and well creepier. Putting plastic in your body to shape and contour.

I will be supportive of my friends who decide to change themselves with Surgeries and medications, but I cant even pretend to understand it. Why mess with something already so perfect? Plastic surgeries scare me. They are dangerous and unpredictable. Removing pieces, putting artificial ones in. Snipping and clipping at flesh to shape, extend, shorten, lift, tighten, or pull is so unnatural to me.

Beauty is a gift nature has given us in the form of diversity. Arms, legs, stomachs, breasts, noses, lips and eyes. No two are the same for a reason.

To each, his own.

I will not stand in someone else's way in the persute of happiness. but i don't know if i will ever understand the mind set, or the reasons behind these artificial body modifications.

inthusiasum

i need a bit more enthusiasm in my social life. not for me, im enthusiastic and optimistic and happy. but i need some hoe happy from the people i live with. I don't like the negative attitude that everyone in my house exudes. i like being happy, i like being positive, and yes im an optimist. and i like it that way. im not asking for anyone to flip a switch and all the sudden be Mary Sunshine or anything, but i do need a bit more gusto, and umph from my roommate. i really don't want to be around the , everything that has ever happened to me is worse then what has happened to you, and the oh that story is a bit bad but i have a wors one. if im telling a story or a problem then im not looking for you to tell me how you have a worse one, or your problems are bigger. if life sucks that uch change it.

yes Louisiana heat is extreme, but no its not going to kill me and its not the hottest place in the world, people have been living her long before air conditioning and survived ill be fine.

yes there are mosquitoes in other parts of the world, thy carry west nile there too, and even molarioa there. your big problem is not the worst ever.

yes i know that it is cold at your work, they run air conditioners to protect the photo equipment, take a sweater, thats what i do. my office is cold too.

please when you do this you de-value my word, leaving with completely unvalidated thoughts, emotions, and situations. Some time i do just want you to listen to me. Please do you realize how selfish you actions can be? self pity and negativity will not get you my sympathy, you are the only on n control of your life, if you don't like it you are the one who will have to change it. i give up trying to help you better yourself. you didn't want the job opportunity that my connections got you, even though it was the job you had been talking about for months, you wont change your diet te be healthier. im tired.

my life is so close to being everything i want right now, and i wont let you drag me down. im happy, i have a great job with my dream company. i wish you would hear me when i say this, but you don't listen to me, none of you listen to me. a family of therapists, and social workers and you wont listen to me.

i fuckig hate men

yes i hate men, they are lying cowerds. mother fucking cheaters, and spineless ass wholes.

you want to love me, love me, if you just want to fuck me, just fuck me and move on dont do the whole booty call thing when its convenient for you.

dont feel guilty for cheating on your girl with me. you made the decition to cheat own it.

if you are not happy wiht you girl fucking leave the cunt, i hate her too.

and if you want to leave that bitch move your ass here ad be my play toy, fucking do it!! dont tell me that you want to and cant, dont call me in the middel of the night wen she is asleep. ill rock your world better then she ever could, and satisfy ever kinky, little craving you have. probably push you to your limit. and go play poker with your boys saturday, im gonna go dance with my girls

but dont call me if you only want to fill five minn, dont lie to me, dont fuck me around. becaus e i know this game i will call your fowel and ill kick you ass.