taking a week off of the running. I hurt my foot a few weeks back and its getting worse.

Defiantly back on the diet. I have gained too much weight.

Week 1 Day 3 WOOO

On the last day of the week. Woo gotta keep going in to week 2 and then 3 and so on.

Time to keep my head up. do what ever job is needed of me and keep going. Maybe today I will get some answers.

Week one day two

woooo go me for one more day. Just gotta keep it Up. today's was a min and 30 sec faster then Tuesday.  Woo. My feet and legs are sore but I will move past it. Also I will be walking the hash tonight. I need to be wearing heels friday and saturday nights so my feet are gonna need some love sunday.

in other news. It still hasn't been made official what is happening with my job, but I am most certain I will not be going back to the kitchen. Yesterday the restaurant director asked me where I would like to go with my career in HOB, and what I would like to be doing now. I started with that I love my job and that I know it is ending. That I am still a little shocked and saddened by the news. and her I cried. then we went on to talk about bar management and restaurant management. I asked her flat out last week if she was trying to take me with all this. and she smiled and said maybe and walked away. After we talked she said don't take it personal and dont worry we will find the right place for you.

so I have a big project in straightening out the MIcros and the back office system for inventory to keep me busy and distracted while this is all working its way out. I am MOD for 3 shifts next week and I am kinda functioning as her assistant at the moment. At least I still have a paycheck.

and as i am writing this Tricia text messages me. Crazy Bitch I wonder how long I have to Ignore her before she goes away.

Doin it! Week one Day one.

I started the Couch to 5k program again today. Did it on my way to work. Really its New Orleans, me getting here sweaty is nothing new, and I have to gt to work some how, might as well run it. It takes 15 min longer then  the bus. So no biggie. other then the blood blister on my big toe. Boo why do I always get that. Hopefully I will just build a callus against it.

Now where the stress and panic factor in. We have a new Executive Sous Chef. Biggest dirt bag title ever. Yes out sous is incompetent and out Exec is MIA. So we need the leadership, blah blah blah. I am down for more management our kitchen needs it. BUT the National Chef the big boy is in town and thinks my position should not exist as it is. He thinks it should go back to what it was. Just signing and putting shit away. So for this week I have been booted out of my office. The supervisors and Exec Sous are learning how to do my job. Purchasing and invoicing and such. So this week I am linking all of the back office files to the Micros system. because there is no connection and it is making our inventory all weird.

After this week, I have no idea what my job will entail. or of I will have a job at all for that matter. So I am doing what I am asked, and working with very little direction. Trying to not panic. Fuck if I could have worked this job for 2 years I could find a job in any restaurant. Now I am just a dabbler. Abby the Rest Director seems to want to keep me. So I will work my ass off for her this week and hope that pays off.

Fat

So I am officially back to the heaviest #'s. How ever I am still 2 dress sizes from my heaviest. cant tell ya how that one works. I am totally out of shape. I have 9 weeks till I have 3 5k runs in one weekend. I need to start running NOW to be able to do this with out killing myself. I tried to take a run with the dog. she was not having it at all. poor little thing can not run. so i need to figure a way to get my run in and her walk and still have time to sleep and socialize and of course work. maybe i will just start running to work and change when i get here. its worth a try at least.

I don't want to do the diet thing. I don't want to get back to a place where i am obsessed with counting calories and scrutinizing everything i eat. i think if i just keep my exerciser at a healthy level i wont have to resort to that. i don't care about being skinny, but i do want to move better and have more energy.

i wonder what its like to not have this as one of the main things you think about and struggle with. i know everybody has something that they struggle with. i just wonder what its like to have a different struggle.

Constant chaos and movement masks my lonely heart.
deep down in side i am screaming for a real connection
someone to know me, someone to love me.
someone to understand and comfort me.
my soul longs for someone to be with.
i love love and i miss love, real love
not only romantic but family love
long time friend, knows you without speaking love
The things in side no one is seeing are still there
the empty place in my heart, an anxiety that none of it will last
Queens somebody to love is on constant repeat in my head.
my single state recently has been supplemented and filled by new friends.
potentiol long term friends, but so many of them that none of them know me.
I want people to rely on. i want people who are as willing to take care of me when needed as i am to take care of them.

I am fat and out of shape.
My house is dirty
My dog needs her nails trimmed
my bank account is small.

i need to pull my shit together.

i need a good long cry and someone to hold me.

i love how being social feels like sugar melting on your tong, i need some nourishment. not just a short term sugar high.