Anxious

T has told me that we shouldn't see each other for a few days, I think she was joking. I said 10 days. She extended to 15. I still think she is joking. But I am hoping she is not. I think the space will be good. But for some reason it makes me anxious. I am at work, but all I want to do is sit in a quiet place with this anxious feeling and figure out where it is coming from so i can face it, change it and be able to focus on my life again. I am so behind which is stressing me out and making to focus problems harder.

A friend you make at a low point in your life, when you are struggling to breath, incapable of random kindness, and throwing your anger around, is a friend worth taking a moment to appreciate. Thank you for seeing me to the friends I have meet lattly. Thank you for knowing that the crazy, fractured and broken woman you see has a heart and appreciates you so much. And when I can keep from crying of a broken heart, and when i am not struggling to just keep myself moving I swear I will pay you back.

Julie came to me me in a dream last night. the last time she did, my uncle died. the dead giving me warning i am losing someone else. I hope that is not the case this time. My paranoia is running wild with my imagination right now.

3 Weeks

Been keeping my mouth shut for 3 weeks not. The truth is nothing really has changed other then now we are having an affair. A secret. She is staying with that cowered of a man. Truth is, I don't think I want to keep her as mine. I think that just being friends would be the best for us, for me. this i am keeping to myself for now too. At-least till I settle on it fully in mind before I tell her. I don't want to go in to something like this half-hearted. Best to do it with a solid conviction.

I do love her, and want to keep her in my life, but don't see us having a successful partner relationship at this point. Its always possible that that could change. Currently she is not speaking to me and I don't know why. I think it is insanely childish and it reminds me that I prefer butch women for a reason, or women who tend to be less "Girly". Like most of the female friends I have. No the girls who play games.

I also know that I enjoy my freedom, and my solitude. I can very quickly get clingy, however it makes me crazy and restless. I need more of a balance then I have had. I need to learn to take care of myself and my needs before I take care of everyone and everything else. Or I am useless to anyone. The world may see me as acting selfish for this, but I need it. And yes I do need to be more selfish right now.

There are moments of utter peace and moments of panic when I think of this. Loosing her. Moving on. I cling to the peace and breath thru the panic. I know after tonight it will be Sunday before we can see each other. That may be the best thing for me right now. And the fact that she is not speaking to me is giving me mental space from the constant texting we usually do.

I feel better after putting this down. Organizing my thoughts on it.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut till this sticks because she has broken up with me so many times. but for the love of god i want to talk to someone. say it.

She told me we need to be just friends, this time i feel single again. and it hurts but feels good too.

passion

I like to wright and I like to type. but i find i don't have that much to say. no grand story to tell. kind of like art or cooking. i enjoy them but i am by no means spectacular at them nor do i have the passion or the ambition to drop my whole life in to one of those buckets.

i wish i had the passion for any one thing. i feel that is something that i lack some times. in the past their have been times when i had so much focus for something. mostly just my education. and thru it all. stress, midterms, being broke. i still had the goal. that dream of getting a degree. now i feel like i am just wandering. some days feel like living this life for another 60 years is too long. some times not long enough. i want a goal. a reason to keep pressing forward.

my career feels like its at a waiting point. waiting for someone to move on so i can move up. i realize that every situation in life has some form of bullshit built in, even when you try to eliminate all the bull shit and drama you in up with the shit of an emptiness, a lonlyness. i am very tired of the divas and the politics behind having to prove my self again and again in a male dominated field.

no situation and no one is perfect. i understand this and i know that there are always compromises to be made. but i am tired of it right now. tired of turning tables, uncertainty, boarded, struggling, being broke.

today is day 3 in a long weekend. i know i needed it. half of one day i spent with t the others i have been alone. good thinking time. quiet time. not that i have a fucking clue what i am doing, or want to be doing. before i go to bed every night i ask myself what do i want. and the answer varys. some night i want for nothing. some nights ice cream, or to be beautiful. some nights for financial stability. but none of those are legitimate goals. the financial stability i hope some day i will earn, but that is not a goal on its own. it comes with a job and good decisions.

i consider myself pretty blessed. i am independent, making my ends meet. have good friends, granted they are far away. i love the city i live in and most days love my job. yet in all this all the accomplishments i have ever made, there is a darkness underneath. a loneliness an emptiness i have never been able to pin point. i consider myself a relatively happy person yet i can not remember a time in my life i have felt............light. interlay happy. i don't know if this is a silly thing to want to feel. because with the good comes the bad. and every night has a day. but i want to be content, not complacent and not manic. between board and stressed. in a comfortable jogging pase. not moving faster then comfortable but still moving briskly enough for a challenge.

who knows maybe i just don't know how to live contently. maybe i need the drama, pain to feel normal. maybe i seek out these people who are not as good to me as people tell me i deserve. or maybe i just wine to much and make bad things seem worse then they are. im not sure how to gage that. it seems that that is a matter of opinion so by nature can never be proved or disproved.

its very possible that being locked in my house for 2 days i may just need some love. a hug or a dog to sit on my feet. i don't feel lonely while reading unless the character is lonly. i am content to listen to podcasts and walk alone. but when i stop, when i get board it all crashes back over me. and accounting is not stimulating enought to my brain to keep me engaged. i don't want to even think its time for a new job because i love my boys so much. more then they know. they are more important to me then employes to a boss. they are my motivation for work, my friends. even if they barley know me.

i think this is one reason i hold so tight to t even though i know not everything she does or is i agree with. because she knows me. sees me. and i don't want to lose that. i just wish she could make up her mind in what ever direction. just be my friend or stop hurting Adam.

i think i need a change, a goal something to get my mind moving in a forward direction.