Longest I have going without talking to T in the 10 months we have been together and I am peaceful and actually happy. I think that is telling me something. No just hope it lasts long enough to get my head straight. so when she is done trying to out stubborn me with the silent treatment I can keep the distance and tell her i need a break.

Food, Booze, Running. I am defiantly chasing a dopamine high that i am missing from my life now after the being single no sex thing kicked in.

I need some motivation. At work, in my personal life. I need to start running and doing yoga more. Eat less junk food and drink less.

Ah

I have been told now by 2 people close to me that I am selfish. And in both cases I know that it was truly the person pointing that finger that is the selfish person. I believed Jeana for a long time after she told me I was selfish. It took alot of time. Some very good friends and alone time to realize that its not true and in alot of cases I need to be more selfish. Now Tricia is telling me I am selfish. I have offered her everything I have in the world. Given her all the energy I have and still it is not enough. She is truly the selfish one. Taking everything 2 people has and it is still not enough for her. I know this mornings fight is not the end of what ever us there is. But I hope that I can carry with my this knowledge. That I am not selfish. I am giving and loving. And worthy of the same. I want to hold on to the knowledge that the fact she has a emotional disorder is not an excuse for the way she acts. The episode is not outside of who she is. It is a part of her. I will not justify away her actions.

Anxious

T has told me that we shouldn't see each other for a few days, I think she was joking. I said 10 days. She extended to 15. I still think she is joking. But I am hoping she is not. I think the space will be good. But for some reason it makes me anxious. I am at work, but all I want to do is sit in a quiet place with this anxious feeling and figure out where it is coming from so i can face it, change it and be able to focus on my life again. I am so behind which is stressing me out and making to focus problems harder.

A friend you make at a low point in your life, when you are struggling to breath, incapable of random kindness, and throwing your anger around, is a friend worth taking a moment to appreciate. Thank you for seeing me to the friends I have meet lattly. Thank you for knowing that the crazy, fractured and broken woman you see has a heart and appreciates you so much. And when I can keep from crying of a broken heart, and when i am not struggling to just keep myself moving I swear I will pay you back.

Julie came to me me in a dream last night. the last time she did, my uncle died. the dead giving me warning i am losing someone else. I hope that is not the case this time. My paranoia is running wild with my imagination right now.