Im not dead yet

I met an amazing girl last night.

It was so nice to realize i can still feel. im sad she is gone today. I would not take kissing her back for anything. I just wish i had more time with her.

i have decided im going back on anti-depressants.

If i could find the words some times i think i would.

I cant express who i am felling today in one simple word or turn of phrase, its to complex for that. I feel alone, alienated, hidious, intrusive, abused, anoyed, unwelcome. Just to find a place to start. Im sure tonight is going to be just as bad, and ever worse. Last night i had my trusty computer to run to. I found some friendly words, and some supportive fantasies to hold on to. Tonight I will be cut off, camping for the most part in the new house. I hate the oh come with us when i know im such a 3rd wheel and truly just a hinderence. Maby i should fain illness, and stay here in bed. not that i could sleep, with Sue yelling at everyone all the time. well here i am back to my fate to wait for other.


Im gonna run away. As soon as i can.

I feel very cut off

I have been fighting with my roommate, she calles me selfish, and other hurtful things. Im starting to believe her. But i dont think im selfish, i think im so focused on her and making her happy that i have noglected every other relationship i have. It makes me feel very alone. I feel abused, and battered. It breaks my heart that somone i have put so much enerrgy in to thinks im selfish. I ask myself, is this true? and i come up with I am independent. ans what i see this boiling down to is that she has gotten so codependent with me, and i have let her. I have let her take over so much of me. I have faught for so long to not be that. I have been fighting the signs that i will follow in my mothers footsteps, just to find myself right back in them. Codependency is a trate of addictive personalities, holding grudges, is as well. I have worked and suffered to put these aspects of my life a side. Find peace and understanding, and then i find iv lost that path. Its so dissapointing, and frustrating. I could rant and ramble, but i wount. I make this vow to do my best to

Ask myself, is this selfish.

Concider just how I am felling.

Find that peace again

Remember I do not know all the reasons in the world, and i need to accept the things i have no controle over.

its not fair

its not fair when you are mad at me because i did not want to sit on uncomfortable chairs and watch you bake. I dont think i have an obligation to intertain you while you cook. Its not fair that you get mad at me when you wount tell me what you want from me. I have asked you a million times what type of beer you want, and you always say what ever. I get you a beer tonight and you are mad i did not read your mind and get you a cherry beer. You have to tell me i want the cherry, not the lager, or the pale, or the IPA or the other 100 beer options we have right no, when you say you dont care i am going to reach in the fridge and bring you the frist one i pull out.

I feel like you want the whole world from me but you are not willing to give me anything, you want my love my affection, you want me to think of you befor myself at every turn, but you are not thinking of me. i always have to come to you, i always have to try to make you happy, what about me. I know you think i am less then you, you have made that so clear, but i am here. And i could use someone in the world thinking about me. even if its just myself, i have to be someones first and foremost.

I am a lonly little meadow lark.

I sit by the rivers edge, signing my song day in and out.
i try to sing a happy little tune, but the woos of the world are slowly turning my tune sour.
as i sit here by my running water i see my fellow larks flying away,
their wind hs come to call them to far away places.
I hear their songs, their stories of the world beyond the trees.
And i wounder where is my wind?
will i ever fly away?
will my song ever brighten.
I do try to keep my song light, but the waters seem to dround me out.
will i die here by the river, will i ever get my chance to fly.
Where is the god of the sun?
and has he passed me over.
ill keep singing my little meadow lark song, trying to keep it bright, and one day the wind will call my name, ill keep listening.

Judgement

Why is it that most people walk around every day making judgments, is it to make themselves feel better? Do they say that person is so bad off to make them feel like they are doing well?

I don't think that its intentional but there are people in my life who i feel are holding me back, pulling me down and making it that much harder for me to breath.

And saying this makes me feel selfish, writing it in a journal that only one person reads makes this catty and underhanded. but i need to express some how, my debate.

How am i to live life, bright, happy, and content if 2 of the people that im so close to put me down, hold me back, flood me with self doughty and negativity. I think that every day i get just a little more aware of this. And the treat of seeing an old friend has made me so uncomfortable. Seeing one of the few people who has made me feel like i was a real person in every way has made me panic, and realize the things about myself i have let slide. let someone els convince me weren't part of me, pieces that fell away because they don't matter, that i don't deserve them, that they are out of my reach. Well all these things are not out of my reach, but i have stopped striving to grasp them.

Now the question is where do i go from here? Do i leave the one person who always wants me around. Do i give up the friend who has been by my side for 15 years, even through her judgments of me, and our disagreements. Just walking away from these two would leave me hollow and lonely but i do need to find away to rebuild myself despite them tearing me down.

Part of me just wants to stay here in Dallas, not go back to New Orleans, Start over. and i know i could here. People in New Orleans are just so guarded so shallow. in the time i spent in New Hampture i had built a Family by now. In Nola i don't even have sorta friends. Here people are open and friendly, there is more diversity, more of everything. There is just more.

I know this is a fleeting felling, I love New Orleans, the size of the city, the way the air feels, I just need someone, a friend, a lover, even just someone to fight with. But i need something more there then what I have.