negativity

only makes you more angry, which only makes you less happy, its not worth getting mad over. nothing is. anger is just fear turned in ward.

if you are angry, stop and think, who is really being the ass whole in this situation. take some fucking responsibility for your own actions. the world would be a much better place if there were more respect in it. and ya gotta give to get baby.

i cant help it if im an optimist, i don't want to be another way, so here i go positive, positive, positive. and maby it will rub off.

hello im jay and this is my hetero life mate silent bob.

yes this is me and my jeana, hetero life mates well sorta. more like non sexual life mates, because the word hetero is no where in anything that describes me.

just talking more than anything, but what happens when i meet someone i want to have as a real life mate? she is so dam determined that she will never meat a nice guy, mostly because her record speaks for its self in this area. cough cough, mate you are a mother fucker.

but im still hoping to fall in love and find someone to build a life with. i need sex in my life, and not any more one night stanges thats all over and done with, but loving sex with someone i can talk to. i don't think this is an unreasonable request in my life, and i will figure out how to get it.

but when i do do i sy good by to my silent bob? how dose that work out?

i gues that is ust one more thing ill figure out when i get there.

felling a bit insecure

i dont believe i deserve love.

im at the moment trying to be good and lose some weight. but the more i lose the worse i feel about myself. i was such a confadent fat girl, i loved my body and didntt care what other people thought. it was a blissfull felling. ine that i havent had a whole lot in my life. but somthing happend, and i decided to lose the weight. im not sure what that some thing was. i started weight watchers with my boss and my mom, from there i ended up changing jobs, quiting that job and now im moving.. all of this wouldent have happend if i hadent decided to lose the weight.

i trust the univerce everything happens for a reason.

now i feel fat, 20 lbs thinner i feel fatter, go figure. but i have no will power right now to work out, and my diet is faltering a bit. im not sure what to do. ride it out. thats all i can think to do

my wife

yes i love her, no we are not lesbians, just roommates, but mother fucker she can be such a nag. and patronizing. talk down to me just a little more baby, make me sound like a retarded 8 year old one more time, i swear i will knock you on your ass.

i cant believe i feel this way

ok so and ex girlfriend of mine, has decided she wants to be a he, and he is undergoing his transformation, im totally supportive, i still love him very very much, i don't really have a problem with the man part, it did take me a little while to get the pronouns in my head. but and this is what makes me so awful, he has started to refer to himself as a gay man, i don't know why this fills me with such awful tellings, but when we met he referred to himself as a femme lesbian, he never was femme, but he was still a lesbian. i guess this is what you would fell if a man told you all the sudden he wanted to date men, well i guess. i don't understand, i understand the whole i want to be a man part, he isn't the first girlfriend to tell me that, but, he was deathly afraid of penis's when we were together and long before that, so how do you go from wanting to through up t the sight of a penis, to wanting to sleep with people who have one? i will forever support him, in what ever he wants with his life, but i guess im felling like i never mattered or something, like i didn't count, which is awful because i was so crazy over her. i haven't seen him, so i don't know if the same butterflies would be there. but i just don't understand, and i cant realy say this to anyone, even my wife, or sister. dam the whole need to be politically correct.

reasons i sleep with women

some day im going to write a book, reasons i sleep with women.

my reason for today, they are inconsiderate mother fucker. i was talking to Kevin on aim and poof there he goes, hour latter my computer dose that beepy thing when some one rights to me, oh who is the little pretty stupid black man with one testicle, yes i said it.

oh another subject i think i am the most irresponsible human on the face of the planet. im seriously starting to panic about money and moving. ugh ok im off

i know you respect my strength

i know you think im strong, and you respect my courage. i know these are some of the reasons you love me, but im so afraid. im afraid that i will never find love because of my courage. because of my independence. i wonder if these quality's make me unlovable. make me less attractive. i am a fighter, it has taken everything i am to get to where i am, my road was not easy and never will be, i wouldn't want it to be. i know i can make it on my oun but i don't want to. i want love, i want this partnership that everyone around me is looking for finding or has found.

the only people who have expressed interest in sharing the rest of their lives wiht me, are friends, you want to spend the rest of your life wiht me, but as friend, my sister wants to grow old with me. is it awful of me to want anyone just to say i will always be with you. no matter if its a friend a sister, or a lover.

But how do you say to someone. will you commit to be with me for the rest of our lives, when there is nothing more then friendship

how do you say, will you be my companion, never leave me, and not have them think you want sex.

but i think i do want more then that, i want intamasy, i want more then to share my life with just a friend. i want to build a life, with some one.

i don't know if i could love you. i do love you, as the friend you are to me but i don't think i could e in love with you.

i pray to be everything you see me to be some day.