I sware T is going to be the death of me. she is threatening to kill herself if i don't see her. I know she wont do it. She gave herself a panic attack because i ignored her for 2 hours.

I want her to accept we are broken up and go the fuck away

So on november 5th i told T it was over. the next few days were a mix of her screaming at me over text. Calling me nonstop. And sad sappy lovey begging. We both said things that were so past horrible. but somthing broke in my and I dont know what or why.

Yesterday 11-11-11 i told her i needed 2 weeks of space. total silence. she Agreed? and yes its been less the 24 hours but so far, silence. She said she wont hear from me again till i reach out to her. I know this needed to happen. i know i did the right thing even if the means were nasty and drawn out. But right now I am missing my companion. feeling that loss. i have been so busy and will be again, to think about it. but its saturday morning. the only day I have off this week, and too early in the morning to go out and start my errands.

So i have time to miss her. There are pieces of me that wonder, will i ever be loved again? is she right saying she is the best i will ever get? i don't think so but it is a fear. I do love her, and will miss her. but the amount of pain and stress she causes me is more then the joy she brings my life. i cant handle the drama. or the inconsistancy. i was trying to wait it out. give her the time she needed to move on from him. but i don't think she ever will. she bought a new car yesterday. a green mini. the same care a few months ago she made fun of me for liking. something about that pisses me off so much. so far past jealousy that she owns that car. like a kid who gets something only because you want it and cant have it.

so, i bought new make up, black eyeliner and red lipstick. new perfume. I do love the old but they didn't have it. and signed up to be in a art bizzar in 3 weeks. hopefuly i will keep moving, and not get bitter or jaded. or go back.

Peace. I want it to last.

Longest I have going without talking to T in the 10 months we have been together and I am peaceful and actually happy. I think that is telling me something. No just hope it lasts long enough to get my head straight. so when she is done trying to out stubborn me with the silent treatment I can keep the distance and tell her i need a break.

Food, Booze, Running. I am defiantly chasing a dopamine high that i am missing from my life now after the being single no sex thing kicked in.

I need some motivation. At work, in my personal life. I need to start running and doing yoga more. Eat less junk food and drink less.

Ah

I have been told now by 2 people close to me that I am selfish. And in both cases I know that it was truly the person pointing that finger that is the selfish person. I believed Jeana for a long time after she told me I was selfish. It took alot of time. Some very good friends and alone time to realize that its not true and in alot of cases I need to be more selfish. Now Tricia is telling me I am selfish. I have offered her everything I have in the world. Given her all the energy I have and still it is not enough. She is truly the selfish one. Taking everything 2 people has and it is still not enough for her. I know this mornings fight is not the end of what ever us there is. But I hope that I can carry with my this knowledge. That I am not selfish. I am giving and loving. And worthy of the same. I want to hold on to the knowledge that the fact she has a emotional disorder is not an excuse for the way she acts. The episode is not outside of who she is. It is a part of her. I will not justify away her actions.