She told me we need to be just friends, this time i feel single again. and it hurts but feels good too.

passion

I like to wright and I like to type. but i find i don't have that much to say. no grand story to tell. kind of like art or cooking. i enjoy them but i am by no means spectacular at them nor do i have the passion or the ambition to drop my whole life in to one of those buckets.

i wish i had the passion for any one thing. i feel that is something that i lack some times. in the past their have been times when i had so much focus for something. mostly just my education. and thru it all. stress, midterms, being broke. i still had the goal. that dream of getting a degree. now i feel like i am just wandering. some days feel like living this life for another 60 years is too long. some times not long enough. i want a goal. a reason to keep pressing forward.

my career feels like its at a waiting point. waiting for someone to move on so i can move up. i realize that every situation in life has some form of bullshit built in, even when you try to eliminate all the bull shit and drama you in up with the shit of an emptiness, a lonlyness. i am very tired of the divas and the politics behind having to prove my self again and again in a male dominated field.

no situation and no one is perfect. i understand this and i know that there are always compromises to be made. but i am tired of it right now. tired of turning tables, uncertainty, boarded, struggling, being broke.

today is day 3 in a long weekend. i know i needed it. half of one day i spent with t the others i have been alone. good thinking time. quiet time. not that i have a fucking clue what i am doing, or want to be doing. before i go to bed every night i ask myself what do i want. and the answer varys. some night i want for nothing. some nights ice cream, or to be beautiful. some nights for financial stability. but none of those are legitimate goals. the financial stability i hope some day i will earn, but that is not a goal on its own. it comes with a job and good decisions.

i consider myself pretty blessed. i am independent, making my ends meet. have good friends, granted they are far away. i love the city i live in and most days love my job. yet in all this all the accomplishments i have ever made, there is a darkness underneath. a loneliness an emptiness i have never been able to pin point. i consider myself a relatively happy person yet i can not remember a time in my life i have felt............light. interlay happy. i don't know if this is a silly thing to want to feel. because with the good comes the bad. and every night has a day. but i want to be content, not complacent and not manic. between board and stressed. in a comfortable jogging pase. not moving faster then comfortable but still moving briskly enough for a challenge.

who knows maybe i just don't know how to live contently. maybe i need the drama, pain to feel normal. maybe i seek out these people who are not as good to me as people tell me i deserve. or maybe i just wine to much and make bad things seem worse then they are. im not sure how to gage that. it seems that that is a matter of opinion so by nature can never be proved or disproved.

its very possible that being locked in my house for 2 days i may just need some love. a hug or a dog to sit on my feet. i don't feel lonely while reading unless the character is lonly. i am content to listen to podcasts and walk alone. but when i stop, when i get board it all crashes back over me. and accounting is not stimulating enought to my brain to keep me engaged. i don't want to even think its time for a new job because i love my boys so much. more then they know. they are more important to me then employes to a boss. they are my motivation for work, my friends. even if they barley know me.

i think this is one reason i hold so tight to t even though i know not everything she does or is i agree with. because she knows me. sees me. and i don't want to lose that. i just wish she could make up her mind in what ever direction. just be my friend or stop hurting Adam.

i think i need a change, a goal something to get my mind moving in a forward direction.

I get so irritated when people make plans and then don't follow thru with them. I am supposed to be spending the morning with T and she is mad at me for something I said to a friend that got back to him and then her. I called him a tool which i would say to his face. He is a tool, a back shaving shoe to hat matching, short little white boy who thinks he is black tool. and she wont even say hey i am pissed I am canceling our breakfast plans. I really don't like it when people are unreliable. I have been pissed at her many times but if we had plans i followed thru with them. Because my word is important to me. And it needs to mean something to me.

I want to pack up and start over. I have suck strong gypsy instincts and they are nagging at me right now. I doing know if the New Orleans heat is making it worse. But work is stressful and I love T but don't know how this is ever gonna change.

I know that I am a fatalist and I think that is one thing this relationship is suppose to be teaching me. That things have rough patches without having to end. With work in a rough patch and my relationship in the same I think I am suppose to be learning right now that you can work thru it if you want to. The bottom is not going to drop right out of everything all the time. Some things can last for a bit. I know nothing lasts for ever, but things can last for more then a few months. I will get thru this. One way or another. I will prevail and come out on top. Gonna keep saving in case I do get fired. Gonna keep my eyes, arms and heart open to where the future is leading me.

It is a great talent of mine that I can calm, comfort and understand just about anyone. I know peoples buttons and how to get thru to them. And ya know what? some times I wish someone one had the same ability to handle me. Because I am really fucking loosing it right now and it would be nice.

So much wearing on me, work and love. ah. really All it would take is a sweet treat and a hug to coddle me right now. Is that so much to ask for?

"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

I may cry today.