Deja Vu is the universe telling you somthing

But what the hell is that something right now. It started yesterday with the word settle i typed in to a text message sitting in the stair well crying. Just a standard deja vu. where just know you have seen this before but let it go, and think ok i am suppose to be here. This morning when I woke up it was the feeling of doing this before, the familiar I am in a different morning. I had had a dream about a friend i hadn't seen in about a year the other night and this morning he gets on the bus with me. Neither of us usually ride the bus. What did he have to tell me that the universe put him here for? did i ruin it by talking too much. we talked about moving to algeirs point. maybe this was confirmation that is the step i need to make. the first 2 were a get ready here comes the message?

Grumpy

Ok reasons i am grumpy today.

rain

had plans to hang with Sue last night, fell thru

she isent answering me today which means this is the 3rd day of school she is sleeping thru

i want some time at home alone

work- the inventory system is down...... and a support band for thursday are being divas. TWAT you are a support band for a show that isent selling that well, no I will not buy you ciggerets. I wont do it for anyone, my girlfriend, my friend or a totally sold out show that I am in love with the drummer. FUCK OFF.

I wonder how much st johns wort i can take in a day?

this relationship moved so fucking fast that we barrly had a infatuation period now we are in to me nagging and her being a out all night boys night kinda person. ok 2 days i havent seen her. i am probably blowing this out of proportion. I shoulda had chocolate for breakfast.

Weird Week

So it has been a long week and a weird one at that. i should have written this down earlier because now i am going to lose feelings and details. so first the bullet points

monday

dee shows up WOO

sue gets mad at me because her friend renee was hitting on me apparently

horay start the birthday week

tuesday

dee and larry become my house guests

i become sues house guest

wed

birthday

dinner with friends and 3 drinks, decide i have been drinking too much and it is fucking with my mood.

Boss falls off a ladder.

thursday

2nd birthday, too many plans

the hash wins because they had a "Birthday Surprise" for me

hashers caked me

friday

Susan's birthday-dinner, painting class, drinking, and because of drinking fight about renee

saturday

start taking st johns wort- I feel so much better

lay around most the day

sunday-now

ok so i am not sure why sue is worried about renee, i don't know if she is a known girlfriend steal-er or what. but we were doing nothing wrong just talking. but this has come up a few times now so i need to sit with sue and talk about this. we only bicker, fight or argue when liquor is involved and since it was our birthday week we had 2 moments of conflict. and because i am a commitment phobe or because i am a fatalist i always think any fight is the end of the relationship so i am a bit numb to how i feel about susan right now.

having dee in town is great and i am getting more use to having them in my house. i was completely overwhelmed and stressed out about it at the beginning of the week. but now that i am in it its not so bad. i am starting to worry that they will still be here when jenn comes to visit feb 15th. not sure what i will do if it comes to that but it shouldn't and i might loose my shit if bee is living with me for a month. well larry is more the issue. he is a nice guy and all but 2 girls in a small space is different then 2 girls and a man.

so since my mood has been all over the place i decided to start taking st johns wort again and within a hour i felt so much calmer, clearer. i was so overwhelmed and my feelings were hurt over small things. i haven't let go of the fact that i haven't had sex in a week despite spending about every night with my girlfriend, but it has been a stressful week, so this week is not a determining factor of how much she drinks normally, how much we will have sex, blah blah, blah. point. i am not making any decisions based on this week. and the no sex and no masturbation because my house has no privacy. i am loosing my cookies just a little bit. i am tempted to take my vibrator in the car since that is the only time i am ever alone other then right now at work and that would be bad.

why after being so sure of loving susan am i all the sudden doubting the relationship. i think i must be crazy for how fast my moods change.

ok more latter

I will not fuck this up. I will not sabotage myself out of this great relationship. She loves me, and is not going to drop me without thought. Things can be good. there does not need to be drama or struggle. Like so many women I think i am making issues where there don't need to be any.

Susan is a beautiful human being and I will treat her right.

I have been seeing some patterns repeating in this relationship that happened in the last except S is in my place and I am the shumch in T's. Its very possible that I am projecting this on to this relationship because I don't believe I deserve love, or because blah blah blah psychological dribble.

I am the one constantly going after her. I am the one having mood swings. I think it is behavior I learned and need to reeducate myself on. the way T treated me was unexceptable and I will not perpetuate the cycle. I will break it.

Susan is not a emotive person. she does not gush or lavish verbally how she feels. that does not make it any less true. She loves me. Truly loves me and treats me well. focus on that. she is not going to backstab me like people in the past have. she is not going to use me.

I will not run her away by freaking out on her. I have done this early on in all my relationships. Acted crazy and drove people away, or they stayed thru it. Its passes. however I recognize the pattern. So it is time to change it. Now. No more panicking. No more freaking out for no reason. I will not run off someone wonderful. God help me that I haven't done too much damage already. and thank god she loves me, so she wont just drop me.

Time to pull my shit together. Now. not just in this relationship. At work, in my eating and exercise. I know I need to stick to a routine. I know that I can not let myself slip. I get too out of control if I do. I need to get up in the morning, clean my dam house, take a run, eat something healthy. and pull my shit together!

I am hoping that when she is hanging out with her friend tonight she doesn't tell the friend tat i am bat shit crazy. I don't want her friends hating me for this. I am better then this. I am a better person then this. and I will prove it.

my brain and body are not getting enough stimulation right now. I think that is a big part of the problem. so more running. more reading.