I have been kinda upset lattly. Well more depressed then upset. For a whole range of reasons, annoyance with myself being a large one. But I am working on it.

One of the things deffinatly bringing me down is the constant negativity around work. Everyone bitches non stop, everything is wrong, everything is bad. I am not sure when we stoped being a team here or how to get that back.

I will probably start walking away form people when they bitch. There is a huge difference between bitching, venting, and expressing a legitimate problem. I am willing to listen to venting, and legit problems, but the bitching is so overwhelming.

And you know what. I would like a chance to speak. Seriously if I am your best friend, shut the fuck up for 2 min so I can say anyting. I know I dont talk much, but really if you have been babbaling non stop, breath maybe so I can atleast get one word in. Do you have a dam clue what is going on in my life right now. Well yes you do because I dont have a life, but do you know what is going on in my head at all?

I have not been able to stop crying, I have had a perma frown on my face, and I have not looked anyone in the eye. If you knew me at all you would recognize this. Em did.

Yes I and getting better and going out last night did me leaps and bounds of good. I came in smiling to myself, and you are bringing me down!

Ok now I'm fucking Pissed

I work, I work my ass off, I slack. No matter how much I work or don't I get no feed back so whats the fucking point?

I know I should not let this get to me because its all just hearsay, a roumer from someone who I decided not to trust a while ago. But to the best of my knowledge he has never lied to me, I just don't trust him to keep his mouth shut. Well he said that my boss said something nasty against me. Apparently according to said loud mouth source, my boss said that he does half my job. Amazing since I say that about him.

So its 8 am, i have been here for over an hour working off the clock. hm yeah I dont work.

fuck it. I'm gonna go make some coffee take a break and then do my work. Because I a good employee dammit.

A tv show just broke my heart. Apparently I am even a more emotional person then I thought.

I was thinking about some of the people I have dated, a very short list.

One, one that loves me and never should have. That loves me wiht out any reason or knowledge of me. Is a doll. To be dressed up, to be told what to do. This is a quality I do not value in a person what so ever.

I want someone to love, who does not loose or change them selves to be with me, and does not want me to change for them. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know that technically LOVE is linked to insanity, the way the brain works, love changes it. I would like to fall in love and not lose bits, or chunks of me.

Until then I dont want to love. I dont want to fall for some one whodrinks too much, does drugs, will abuse me, or lie to me. There has got to be a honest, sane person out there who is calm, not too wild, who will love me.

I am intelligent, Kind, Compatent and Loving. I deserve a human who is the same. I dont need beauty, I dont need money. I know I am asking alot, but I believe I deserve alot and there are some things I just wount settel on.