i cant believe i feel this way

ok so and ex girlfriend of mine, has decided she wants to be a he, and he is undergoing his transformation, im totally supportive, i still love him very very much, i don't really have a problem with the man part, it did take me a little while to get the pronouns in my head. but and this is what makes me so awful, he has started to refer to himself as a gay man, i don't know why this fills me with such awful tellings, but when we met he referred to himself as a femme lesbian, he never was femme, but he was still a lesbian. i guess this is what you would fell if a man told you all the sudden he wanted to date men, well i guess. i don't understand, i understand the whole i want to be a man part, he isn't the first girlfriend to tell me that, but, he was deathly afraid of penis's when we were together and long before that, so how do you go from wanting to through up t the sight of a penis, to wanting to sleep with people who have one? i will forever support him, in what ever he wants with his life, but i guess im felling like i never mattered or something, like i didn't count, which is awful because i was so crazy over her. i haven't seen him, so i don't know if the same butterflies would be there. but i just don't understand, and i cant realy say this to anyone, even my wife, or sister. dam the whole need to be politically correct.

reasons i sleep with women

some day im going to write a book, reasons i sleep with women.

my reason for today, they are inconsiderate mother fucker. i was talking to Kevin on aim and poof there he goes, hour latter my computer dose that beepy thing when some one rights to me, oh who is the little pretty stupid black man with one testicle, yes i said it.

oh another subject i think i am the most irresponsible human on the face of the planet. im seriously starting to panic about money and moving. ugh ok im off

i know you respect my strength

i know you think im strong, and you respect my courage. i know these are some of the reasons you love me, but im so afraid. im afraid that i will never find love because of my courage. because of my independence. i wonder if these quality's make me unlovable. make me less attractive. i am a fighter, it has taken everything i am to get to where i am, my road was not easy and never will be, i wouldn't want it to be. i know i can make it on my oun but i don't want to. i want love, i want this partnership that everyone around me is looking for finding or has found.

the only people who have expressed interest in sharing the rest of their lives wiht me, are friends, you want to spend the rest of your life wiht me, but as friend, my sister wants to grow old with me. is it awful of me to want anyone just to say i will always be with you. no matter if its a friend a sister, or a lover.

But how do you say to someone. will you commit to be with me for the rest of our lives, when there is nothing more then friendship

how do you say, will you be my companion, never leave me, and not have them think you want sex.

but i think i do want more then that, i want intamasy, i want more then to share my life with just a friend. i want to build a life, with some one.

i don't know if i could love you. i do love you, as the friend you are to me but i don't think i could e in love with you.

i pray to be everything you see me to be some day.

fucking bitch

ok so my boss, yes at the job i have 2 more days of is a whore!!!!!

Ok so a few days ago she mentions we have to do compleat inventory, Alison hase to count everything, even the bubbler's, ugh i have to be here at 10 on my day off

dose anyone see anywhere in here, where she says i have to be there for this? 2 more days, thank god!!!!!!

reasons why im leaving, wooo hoo

New Years

Well happy new year. last night was.........interesting.

I spent it with my adopted parents and one sister, it was boring, i watched them do a puzzle, dam my adopted dad, can be so dam overbearing, and they are all so timid. im guessing the only way Teri and Anna aren't timid is that they are rebelling against Robert and Sharon. then we lit sparklers at midnight. watched a movie and went to bed, dad made us waffles this morning for breakfast,he misses us all so much when we are not around.

i got a text message last night from a friend who i loved so much at one point and almost thought i wanted to be in love with. she is engaged to an idiot, a slimy, skeezy, coward of a thief, she deserves so much better. at least when she was dating phil i knew he would treat her right.

this whole pairing up lobster thing that humans do is so strange. so many of my friends would rather pair up with somone who is a friend, we all have the same roommate grow old thing idea. i do want the romance and sex thing too. i feel like it is ot a real idea, like utopia. utopia and love dont exist, it would be nice if they did but,its not worth slitting my wrists over or anything.

so there is this guy im unfortinatly getting close to. shit