I need someone to take care of me for a few minutes. I spend so much time right now picking up after my incompetent, ignorant boss. Seriously focus ADD boy! Its not rocket science its music. I am starting to think I have never spent much time with people with an average IQ. I know I'm not a wiz kid but come on. I have hung out with stoners with more brain power. I dont think it has occured to him that I am not here to follow him around, just because the word assistant is in my title does not mean the I am his mother and wife. I have my own shit to get done. and really the sticky notes and the IMs reminding me to do shit that he doesn't know how to do and i have been doing for over a year now, always on time and as accurate as humanly possible. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!! I CAN DO MY JOB AND YOURS, CAN YOU PULL OFF JUST YOURS LET ALONE DO YOU HAVE THE FOGGIEST FUCKING CLUE WHAT MINE IS?????


ok a bit stressed out i guess. I took care of my boy all weekend, he is not haveing a good time at the moment. I guess it left me feeling a bit neglected. I did not want to leave. I cried the whole way to the airport, I am still not completely sure why. I think mostly because I am going to have to give something up. I have everything I wanted, a Career, my oun place, a city i love calling home and a great person who loves me. But they dont all exist in the same place. So what do I sacrifice? And why am I the only one who has to sacrifice anything, when he gets to keep everything?

Oh god I hope today is not going to end with me crying at work.

irational

i am felling a bit crazy. i guess is the best way to discribe it. im just not thinking clearly. i am not even going to justify it, by writing it out.

When i look down at my hands, think of the people have held them. Held my hands for comfort, out of joy. Held my hands out of sorrow and grief. I think of the people who love my hands when i look down at them. Friends and family who have loved my hands, loved me for my heart and soul, love me through my hands. Hands give comfort, have the ability to heal, and create. I have been loved through my hands. Hands provide the comfort the soul needs, yet to feed my heart i need someone to love my lips. Of the people who have kissed my lips, only one has loved them. To love my lips is entirely different then to love my hands. To love my lips is a way to love me more. to have a kiss driven by love, is worth more then a million kisses driven only by lust. My lips long to feel love. My hands are loved everyday feeding my soul.

i just realized i am completely in love. i don't know when that happened, but it is fantastic.

I want to find

I want to find a lover who is compassionate. One who can give me the time and attention I need. A lover who is geographically and emotionally available. I want to have someone in my life who will be content to hold me for hours, and can give me the time. I want to love someone who can be supportive to me as well as be supported by me. I want someone i can count on. Someone full of sexual energy, and still caring. I want someone i can trust and rely on, who will trust me in return.

I want someone i deserve and who deserves me.

I believe i am reliable, compassionate, honest, understanding and caring. Don't i deserve to have the same in return?

number one

I think what i need right now is to be someones number one. The way you are when you are a child, your parents think of you first. When you make a best friend. Knowing that you can run to that best friend. Knowing that that best friend will run to you. The way lovers become a working unit, separate but functioning in unison. I want someone to call just because they are thinking about me.

I want to have not been alone in the hospital last week. I want someone i would feel confident in calling up to be with me. I want to be held, not just hold someone else. I want to be kissed.

I have not had someone think of me first in a long time. I have not been the person someone thinks hey i wonder what hope is up to. in a long time. The last time i was someones number one it turned in to me taking care of Jeana. She was my number one and she was her number one.


I think the only way i will be someones number one is if i am my own. I need to put myself first, give myself the attention i need.

But how do you give yourself attention? Can you give yourself affection? I need to find a way to be strong ehough to support and love knowing i can have nothing in return.

I know this felling will pass. I know this is just temporary. I wish for tonight i had someone to hold me.

well

i don't know what i want to say but im sure its something. I have a very weird felling in my bones right now. is it a combination of anticipation, anxiety, and annoyance. no its not that strong in the negative way. its just a slight discomfort puctuated by my empty belly. I think im felling Christys anyoance too that dose not make it better.