number one

I think what i need right now is to be someones number one. The way you are when you are a child, your parents think of you first. When you make a best friend. Knowing that you can run to that best friend. Knowing that that best friend will run to you. The way lovers become a working unit, separate but functioning in unison. I want someone to call just because they are thinking about me.

I want to have not been alone in the hospital last week. I want someone i would feel confident in calling up to be with me. I want to be held, not just hold someone else. I want to be kissed.

I have not had someone think of me first in a long time. I have not been the person someone thinks hey i wonder what hope is up to. in a long time. The last time i was someones number one it turned in to me taking care of Jeana. She was my number one and she was her number one.


I think the only way i will be someones number one is if i am my own. I need to put myself first, give myself the attention i need.

But how do you give yourself attention? Can you give yourself affection? I need to find a way to be strong ehough to support and love knowing i can have nothing in return.

I know this felling will pass. I know this is just temporary. I wish for tonight i had someone to hold me.

well

i don't know what i want to say but im sure its something. I have a very weird felling in my bones right now. is it a combination of anticipation, anxiety, and annoyance. no its not that strong in the negative way. its just a slight discomfort puctuated by my empty belly. I think im felling Christys anyoance too that dose not make it better.

a bit of a book i was writting and gave up

her laugh echoed through the crowded restaurant. Just a simple bartender. Her laugh is what kept her costumers coming back every night. Every night she would greet them each by name as she passed them one by one their usual drinks. She stoped by the end of her courded bat to greet one of her rugulars with his hevy porter. Greating the man was the last clear thought to pass her mind.

A large hand grabed the back of her hair, with one poverfull yank flung her across the floor. She slid in to a counter rattaling the glasses purched on top. A small scream had excaped her lips befor there was silence from the patrons. A scuffling of bar stools soon was brought to a screaching hault ended wiht gasps.

She could hear a deep woice ordering the men to sit back with their beers, as she glansed around first she saw the hand gun, then the face of a man she believed was dead............








In a warm sunfilled meadow laughter filled the air. Daniell and Josaphine laugh, twisting wiled flowers in to long chains to wrap around their necks. Dani and Jo have spent days like this, the snow had finaly melted, and the grass was new and soft under their bear feet.

its so strange for things to change so suddenly.

I went from hating this city, despising the girl i was living with and feeling so trapped to bliss.

Everything is so bright and exciting. A boy loves me, a girl likes me, and a girl i think i can teach alot to. I keep getting hit on. My roommate kicks ass, Not like my Destany but still fun. I live with the cutest sweetest dog, and another with a hell of an attitude who thinks I'm her pet. I'm not home sick anymore, and i have fallen back in love with this city.

The boy who loves me is the scariest part. I thought for just a moment yesterday what it will feel like if i lose him again. It took my breath away. This is not like last time, we are not a couple, and i know we don't belong to eachother, but it still scares me.

Im not dead yet

I met an amazing girl last night.

It was so nice to realize i can still feel. im sad she is gone today. I would not take kissing her back for anything. I just wish i had more time with her.

i have decided im going back on anti-depressants.

If i could find the words some times i think i would.

I cant express who i am felling today in one simple word or turn of phrase, its to complex for that. I feel alone, alienated, hidious, intrusive, abused, anoyed, unwelcome. Just to find a place to start. Im sure tonight is going to be just as bad, and ever worse. Last night i had my trusty computer to run to. I found some friendly words, and some supportive fantasies to hold on to. Tonight I will be cut off, camping for the most part in the new house. I hate the oh come with us when i know im such a 3rd wheel and truly just a hinderence. Maby i should fain illness, and stay here in bed. not that i could sleep, with Sue yelling at everyone all the time. well here i am back to my fate to wait for other.


Im gonna run away. As soon as i can.