Day 5

6 Things You Regret.

I try not to regret anything, because everything that happens happens for a reason and makes you who you art, but that aside.

1. The last birthday of Jeana's I spent with her, it was miserable I lost one of my fangs, got too drunk, but not drunk enough to drown out the sound of sex, ewwww. and then there was only one bathroom in the house, so i had to wait an hour in the morning hung over for the bath room. Not fun.

2. Not pushing harder to become a singer.

3. Not pushing harder to pursue art, or architecture.

4. Sleeping with Tyler. I lost a great friend in one action.

5. Not remembering the lesson i learned in the first place ans reliving mistakes, mostly taking people in who are damaged and will use me.

6. Slitting my wrist when I was 17. And then keeping it a secret for so long after.

Day 4

Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. I love this city. I live in a great place.

2. I should be closer to my parents, one day they will die and I will regret not being closer.

3. $$$ oh god, I'm broke. Its ok I can make my bills, but thats about it. My cloths are looking so raged. Shit shit, ok ok Ill be ok.

4. Let it go.

5. I want to fall in love. I'm fucking great! Someone would be luck to have me.

6. Who the hell would want to love me? Ugh I'm disgusting.

7. I think my heart and soul are in a coma, I swear I use to have them.

Day 3

1. Pursue me. All you have to do for this is call me, text me or ask me on the date. If I have to chase someone all the time I will give up because Im guessing you don't want me around.

2. Understand that I am very uncomfortable with new attention, It will take me some time to warm up to you. Be persistent.

3. Listen to me talk, I am generally the listener, its nice to have the opportunity to talk, about something real not the hows the weather shit.

4. Eat my cooking with joy. I love to cook and love to feed people, show that you appreciate the time I spent.

5. TBA

6. TBA

7. TBA

8. TBA

I dont mean to flak out on this post, but I honestly don't know. I don't feel like my heart has ever been won. I feel like I more have given my heart without prompting. I have not had someone court me, at least not successfully. I hope to be able to finish this list someday, hopefully soon.

Even when I change the focus of it in my mind to people who have won my heart in a friend way or in any other non romantic way, I don't know. I am very maternal, and if i can take that feeling on for a group of boys like my crew I do. They are my kids and I don't think they know it.

All the friends I have there has been some kind of bonding, now a winning of friendship. Maybe Piper, she was always very persistent. She use to annoy me out of my mind, somehow we pushed through that. You and I bonded in theatre. As you know well a theatre environment forges bonds much quicker and more intense then in the regular world.

Ill keep thinking about this and update as I come up with it.

day 2

1. I hate being looked at by strangers.

2. Even though I can see something sexually attractive in every person I see, I don't see why any one would want me.

3. My eyes are turning green, they use to be very hazel.

4. I am much more sensitive then people think. Even though I don't show that what people say effects my, I carry it with me for longer then I should.

5. I'm gay

6. I still think about killing myself, and know exactly how I would do it, But never will because I couldn't stand to break the hearts of a small handful of people. I couldn't do that.

7. I have very little confidence in my art, but I keep going to art markets and keep making stuff.

8. I have only slept with one person sober.

9. You now know more about me then just about anyone.

Day One

1. I am mostly gay, unless Im drunk then I am an equal opportunity horny shit.

2. I loved you and was willing to give you everything.

3. I loved you and moved 1200 miles for you, fucker.

4. I miss you so so much.

5. Im sorry I cant be the person you wanted me to be.

6. I cant have kids, quit asking for grandchildren.

7. I deserve more.

8. my god, i just want to bit your bicep. nom nom nom. SEXY.

9. You don't know what you lost. Because you never knew me.

10. Shut the fuck up! I AM TIRED OF HEARING YOUR LOUD ALL HOURS SEX, WE GET IT YOUR VERY SEXUALLY SATISFIED.

Deja Vu

"Already Seen"

I need to keep better track of my dreams. They are premonitions more and more often. Rarly completely what will happen.

I am on a street car, with a wonderful girl, I feel completely in love with her. Its snowing and or raining and cold. Her kisses are incredible. i wish i could remember more of the dream, but I was in school. and it was also partly set on that german, italian, breckenridge street i dream about. the one with the cinnamon rolls and the sausages. I am a student in college. And at one point am on the tourist pirate ship that server the pale beer in the frozen mugs.

starange to start with.

Until today I meet Shawna on the street car.

I dont know what the point of writing is, what the point of talking is, or even the point of living at the moment. I am exhausted, and sick of having a broken, bruised and battered heart. WIth life and joy comes pain. But shouldn't the joy be worth the pain. Too often then not I have more pain the joy. I am alone and lonely. Every time I try to reach out, my hand is slapped down. So i reach out less frequently and more timidly. Eventually I wont reach out at all any more.

I dont have the strength to go on caring for people while getting so little in return. I don' t know how i can keep loving while getting stepped on. I don't think people realize how much i do. i feel stretched to thin. doing small things for so many people, never being able to give enough attention to any one person or thing to earn anything in return. THe further i get the less i feel i deserve. I feel so incapable, so useless and pathetic. The more I am used the more i feel i have no value to offer.

Why do i even try