its so strange for things to change so suddenly.

I went from hating this city, despising the girl i was living with and feeling so trapped to bliss.

Everything is so bright and exciting. A boy loves me, a girl likes me, and a girl i think i can teach alot to. I keep getting hit on. My roommate kicks ass, Not like my Destany but still fun. I live with the cutest sweetest dog, and another with a hell of an attitude who thinks I'm her pet. I'm not home sick anymore, and i have fallen back in love with this city.

The boy who loves me is the scariest part. I thought for just a moment yesterday what it will feel like if i lose him again. It took my breath away. This is not like last time, we are not a couple, and i know we don't belong to eachother, but it still scares me.

Im not dead yet

I met an amazing girl last night.

It was so nice to realize i can still feel. im sad she is gone today. I would not take kissing her back for anything. I just wish i had more time with her.

i have decided im going back on anti-depressants.

If i could find the words some times i think i would.

I cant express who i am felling today in one simple word or turn of phrase, its to complex for that. I feel alone, alienated, hidious, intrusive, abused, anoyed, unwelcome. Just to find a place to start. Im sure tonight is going to be just as bad, and ever worse. Last night i had my trusty computer to run to. I found some friendly words, and some supportive fantasies to hold on to. Tonight I will be cut off, camping for the most part in the new house. I hate the oh come with us when i know im such a 3rd wheel and truly just a hinderence. Maby i should fain illness, and stay here in bed. not that i could sleep, with Sue yelling at everyone all the time. well here i am back to my fate to wait for other.


Im gonna run away. As soon as i can.

I feel very cut off

I have been fighting with my roommate, she calles me selfish, and other hurtful things. Im starting to believe her. But i dont think im selfish, i think im so focused on her and making her happy that i have noglected every other relationship i have. It makes me feel very alone. I feel abused, and battered. It breaks my heart that somone i have put so much enerrgy in to thinks im selfish. I ask myself, is this true? and i come up with I am independent. ans what i see this boiling down to is that she has gotten so codependent with me, and i have let her. I have let her take over so much of me. I have faught for so long to not be that. I have been fighting the signs that i will follow in my mothers footsteps, just to find myself right back in them. Codependency is a trate of addictive personalities, holding grudges, is as well. I have worked and suffered to put these aspects of my life a side. Find peace and understanding, and then i find iv lost that path. Its so dissapointing, and frustrating. I could rant and ramble, but i wount. I make this vow to do my best to

Ask myself, is this selfish.

Concider just how I am felling.

Find that peace again

Remember I do not know all the reasons in the world, and i need to accept the things i have no controle over.

its not fair

its not fair when you are mad at me because i did not want to sit on uncomfortable chairs and watch you bake. I dont think i have an obligation to intertain you while you cook. Its not fair that you get mad at me when you wount tell me what you want from me. I have asked you a million times what type of beer you want, and you always say what ever. I get you a beer tonight and you are mad i did not read your mind and get you a cherry beer. You have to tell me i want the cherry, not the lager, or the pale, or the IPA or the other 100 beer options we have right no, when you say you dont care i am going to reach in the fridge and bring you the frist one i pull out.

I feel like you want the whole world from me but you are not willing to give me anything, you want my love my affection, you want me to think of you befor myself at every turn, but you are not thinking of me. i always have to come to you, i always have to try to make you happy, what about me. I know you think i am less then you, you have made that so clear, but i am here. And i could use someone in the world thinking about me. even if its just myself, i have to be someones first and foremost.

I am a lonly little meadow lark.

I sit by the rivers edge, signing my song day in and out.
i try to sing a happy little tune, but the woos of the world are slowly turning my tune sour.
as i sit here by my running water i see my fellow larks flying away,
their wind hs come to call them to far away places.
I hear their songs, their stories of the world beyond the trees.
And i wounder where is my wind?
will i ever fly away?
will my song ever brighten.
I do try to keep my song light, but the waters seem to dround me out.
will i die here by the river, will i ever get my chance to fly.
Where is the god of the sun?
and has he passed me over.
ill keep singing my little meadow lark song, trying to keep it bright, and one day the wind will call my name, ill keep listening.