Everyone being pregnant sucks. I am so jealous.

Patience

Alright. I know I am the only one I can answer to on this. But I still need to say it.

I gave Tricia a few ultimatums, One that she had to leave Adam and 2 that she had to get her mood under control.

I am sticking to this.

Today she told me she ended it with Adam. Now I will believe it when I see it and it sticks. But the effort is appreciated.

And just because I voice this people think I am taking her back. No not yet there are still other requirements to fill.

And there is my answer

Yep she broke up with me. "I have decided I love him and want to stay with him" even though he is verbally abusive and yeah I like pussy.

What ever! I know who I am and what I want. And If I cant hold you to that same stranded, you don't deserve me. I am willing to fight for what I want, and work for it.

She is a cowered! She knows that she is not happy but she is willing to stay. Lovely. Not my responsibility any more.

I think I'm gonna go be a player for a while. Watch out ladies here I come.

I need a community

I need to find something to be a part of. I am a lonely person right now. And with Tricia pulling away, I need to reach out and build a family. The people who are so close to me are all so far away. I need support here.

I do not understand this woman. she can have 3 moods in 2 minutes. one text message can be lovey and sweet and the next is cold and snarky. If this ends up continuing she is going to have to get help for the mood swings. The more distant I am the more she wants me. I know I can learn to play her, pull every sting like a cello. But do I want to? I am highly adaptive, and can mold if i want to. But will playing her game leave me lacking in something? I have been trying to be supportive, she sees it as pushy. Ok so no more telling here I want to see her or that I care. I can do that. For now. I am sure in a few days she will be begging for attention again.

Am I holding on to this because I love her, because of everything I sacrificed for this, or because I am stubborn?

I do care for here very much. And I know that if she would just nut up and make changes, we could make a beautiful life together. She would have to have enough courage to make that change. She is so concerned over the financial security and this word "family". Her family unit as it is now is obviously not working. The baby is so stressed out she is ripping out chunks of her hair. Tricia is saying that she will always have a women in her life, and in order for Adam to accept that he has to have one to. Sounds even to me, but not something I want to be a part of. I have been very blunt about how I feel about Poly relationships and that it is a boundary of mine I will not let be crossed.

That type of relationship to me is so incomplete. No one in the whole unit gets everything they need. Someone always ends up unsatisfied. Everyone has to sacrifice large things. Not compromises that are necessary for any relationship to work, but give up whole pieces of what they want. For her fantasy to play out. I would have to give up wanting a family and a home with my partner. I will not sacrifice that.

She has spoken about wanting a home with me. Wanting to be away from him. I think she is just scared at the moment.

Back to the point, a community for me. I was watching Whip It yesterday, and she joins a roller durby team and finds all this love. And watching Glee I remember that feeling of being a part of something bigger then me. Something great. I am taking some time to think about something I would like to spend time doing, and would like to make bonds with people who are f a like mind even on just the one thing.

There is a running league here, they do scavenger hunts on their runs, except they are a drinking club with a running problem. That my problem with alot of the "group" activities here. So lets see what do I like to do?

Art

Exercise

Read (Boarders closes in a few days)

Write

Music

Be in the sun

Be home

Cook

I should get back in to the art market world. I am not feeling motivated or inspired. This is the point being an artist becomes a job. How do you build your motivation. Do you grab a big piece of paper and scribble till you loosen up? Recreate something you have already made? Having several of something to sell has been a challenge for me. But if I am not feeling anything new, perhaps recreating the old designs is the direction I should move in.

Yes thats the direction. Focus on the books that I made. Find something educational to listen to or watch while I do it.

Take Tricia one moment at a time. When I break I do, enjoy the moments. Take the world as it comes. And get my 401K rolling. So I feel like I am working for the future.