Now that my life is my own again, its time to get it back under control. Get my house clean and my psyche, and eating habits back in check. I gave away a book that i very much want to read again. I suppose its time to buy it again. It is worth it.

Vanessa is a drugged up mess, it makes me sad the fact that me friend has killed her personality. the person i cared about with drugs. The face is still there, the girl is gone.

Thank god for the friends I have. I am very very lucky and I know that. Some day they will be closer. But as for now i am content.

I hate feeling out of control. To start I already have speech problems, and then the other night i had a few drinks, and poof there goes my control. I end up speaking backwards, skipping bits and pieces. I know it just comes off as i am more drunk then I actual am. That makes me feel stupid too. More then anything I hate to feel stupid, and less then I know I am.

I wish i could cry right now. get it out before i have to go function well. I feel the edge of it coming on. If i don't get it out now i hope that it does not come at all today. I know its just work and i know i should not let it get to me. But it is my life, and what i have worked for and when i feel unappreciated, or even unwanted in a place i have invested myself in so much. I can not help bt feel disheartened and beat down. I worked my ass of this week, and my boss just thinks i did not do enough. seriously? i covered the week. im not saying i did a better job then he did but we are suppose to be a team. a fucking team. that means we work together. i cover you. you cover me. but when i went out of town he did some of my weekly paperwork. when he leaves i do everything! everything. and im his fucking assistant. i wish i had taken the position when it was open but at teh same time i do ot want it. I just wish there was someone in that position that was more compatent. so i was not alone or left in the dark so much of thies shit. comunicate please. i can not read mindes, or atleast not yours. there are minds that i can but his is not one of them.