Now that my life is my own again, its time to get it back under control. Get my house clean and my psyche, and eating habits back in check. I gave away a book that i very much want to read again. I suppose its time to buy it again. It is worth it.

Vanessa is a drugged up mess, it makes me sad the fact that me friend has killed her personality. the person i cared about with drugs. The face is still there, the girl is gone.

Thank god for the friends I have. I am very very lucky and I know that. Some day they will be closer. But as for now i am content.

I hate feeling out of control. To start I already have speech problems, and then the other night i had a few drinks, and poof there goes my control. I end up speaking backwards, skipping bits and pieces. I know it just comes off as i am more drunk then I actual am. That makes me feel stupid too. More then anything I hate to feel stupid, and less then I know I am.

I wish i could cry right now. get it out before i have to go function well. I feel the edge of it coming on. If i don't get it out now i hope that it does not come at all today. I know its just work and i know i should not let it get to me. But it is my life, and what i have worked for and when i feel unappreciated, or even unwanted in a place i have invested myself in so much. I can not help bt feel disheartened and beat down. I worked my ass of this week, and my boss just thinks i did not do enough. seriously? i covered the week. im not saying i did a better job then he did but we are suppose to be a team. a fucking team. that means we work together. i cover you. you cover me. but when i went out of town he did some of my weekly paperwork. when he leaves i do everything! everything. and im his fucking assistant. i wish i had taken the position when it was open but at teh same time i do ot want it. I just wish there was someone in that position that was more compatent. so i was not alone or left in the dark so much of thies shit. comunicate please. i can not read mindes, or atleast not yours. there are minds that i can but his is not one of them.

think think think. where should I be, where do i want to be. who loves me. who should i love. are the people i am thinking about thinking about me.

A friend got drunk the other night. spilled a secret she has been keeping for too long. now i can not stop thinking about her. i don't know if she even remembers telling me. but it is something i have known for a very long time. i cant get her off my mind. i just want to hug her. be there for her.

Now I am really confused. So a few weeks ago I discussed with my love the idea of marriage. off the bat i was completely against it. said i don't want to get married that it is an antiquated ritual, and a legal contract. nothing more. well in the time since i have been thinking about it alot.

I do want the love and commitment of a marriage. I want to have my friends and family support this, by viewing a ceremony. so I tell this to my love last night, and now he says he does not know what he thinks about marriage. that the legal bull shit is something that he does not want a part of, but might be happy with a ceremony.

So now i am so confused, perhaps the 2 of us put enough questions in to each others minds to change both of our opinions. so my opinion at this moment is,

I want a commitment, a ceremony, a love. I do not want to tie my credit or financial Independence in a legal contract to anyone. when it comes to children or owning a home that may change. Any of it may change at anytime.

The clarity that i wanted i am getting. New Orleans will always be there, i can go back. But if i dont try a life with Mo it might not always be there to go back to. and i will never know if i can be completely loved. I am not ready to leave New Orleans but I think i will be relatively soon. I can always go back to nola if i am unhappy.

I have not had a De Ja Vaux in a while, so maybe I am not on my correct path. So I still need some clarity and some time to discuss with him. But i guess i am starting to bend.

I need someone to take care of me for a few minutes. I spend so much time right now picking up after my incompetent, ignorant boss. Seriously focus ADD boy! Its not rocket science its music. I am starting to think I have never spent much time with people with an average IQ. I know I'm not a wiz kid but come on. I have hung out with stoners with more brain power. I dont think it has occured to him that I am not here to follow him around, just because the word assistant is in my title does not mean the I am his mother and wife. I have my own shit to get done. and really the sticky notes and the IMs reminding me to do shit that he doesn't know how to do and i have been doing for over a year now, always on time and as accurate as humanly possible. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!! I CAN DO MY JOB AND YOURS, CAN YOU PULL OFF JUST YOURS LET ALONE DO YOU HAVE THE FOGGIEST FUCKING CLUE WHAT MINE IS?????


ok a bit stressed out i guess. I took care of my boy all weekend, he is not haveing a good time at the moment. I guess it left me feeling a bit neglected. I did not want to leave. I cried the whole way to the airport, I am still not completely sure why. I think mostly because I am going to have to give something up. I have everything I wanted, a Career, my oun place, a city i love calling home and a great person who loves me. But they dont all exist in the same place. So what do I sacrifice? And why am I the only one who has to sacrifice anything, when he gets to keep everything?

Oh god I hope today is not going to end with me crying at work.

irational

i am felling a bit crazy. i guess is the best way to discribe it. im just not thinking clearly. i am not even going to justify it, by writing it out.

When i look down at my hands, think of the people have held them. Held my hands for comfort, out of joy. Held my hands out of sorrow and grief. I think of the people who love my hands when i look down at them. Friends and family who have loved my hands, loved me for my heart and soul, love me through my hands. Hands give comfort, have the ability to heal, and create. I have been loved through my hands. Hands provide the comfort the soul needs, yet to feed my heart i need someone to love my lips. Of the people who have kissed my lips, only one has loved them. To love my lips is entirely different then to love my hands. To love my lips is a way to love me more. to have a kiss driven by love, is worth more then a million kisses driven only by lust. My lips long to feel love. My hands are loved everyday feeding my soul.

i just realized i am completely in love. i don't know when that happened, but it is fantastic.

I want to find

I want to find a lover who is compassionate. One who can give me the time and attention I need. A lover who is geographically and emotionally available. I want to have someone in my life who will be content to hold me for hours, and can give me the time. I want to love someone who can be supportive to me as well as be supported by me. I want someone i can count on. Someone full of sexual energy, and still caring. I want someone i can trust and rely on, who will trust me in return.

I want someone i deserve and who deserves me.

I believe i am reliable, compassionate, honest, understanding and caring. Don't i deserve to have the same in return?