Deja Vu

"Already Seen"

I need to keep better track of my dreams. They are premonitions more and more often. Rarly completely what will happen.

I am on a street car, with a wonderful girl, I feel completely in love with her. Its snowing and or raining and cold. Her kisses are incredible. i wish i could remember more of the dream, but I was in school. and it was also partly set on that german, italian, breckenridge street i dream about. the one with the cinnamon rolls and the sausages. I am a student in college. And at one point am on the tourist pirate ship that server the pale beer in the frozen mugs.

starange to start with.

Until today I meet Shawna on the street car.

I dont know what the point of writing is, what the point of talking is, or even the point of living at the moment. I am exhausted, and sick of having a broken, bruised and battered heart. WIth life and joy comes pain. But shouldn't the joy be worth the pain. Too often then not I have more pain the joy. I am alone and lonely. Every time I try to reach out, my hand is slapped down. So i reach out less frequently and more timidly. Eventually I wont reach out at all any more.

I dont have the strength to go on caring for people while getting so little in return. I don' t know how i can keep loving while getting stepped on. I don't think people realize how much i do. i feel stretched to thin. doing small things for so many people, never being able to give enough attention to any one person or thing to earn anything in return. THe further i get the less i feel i deserve. I feel so incapable, so useless and pathetic. The more I am used the more i feel i have no value to offer.

Why do i even try

I am thuraly unhappy in my job, it needs to change. I want to slit my wrists here. I cry nearly every day, I am not listened to, and not appreciated. When I say I am already over my head they put more on me. and when i say i need help, they say keith will take it. but he is the one putting more and more on me. They honestly think I do nothing. I need someone to talk to, I need so support or understanding. Maybe it is just time to go back to colorado.

Just put my finger on something

Something has been bothering me for a while. I have been mulling it over. It has been a general unease. For months now. What it boils down to is the perception that saying I was in love with a man puts on me.

When I started dating Mo he was a she. And that fit how I saw myself and how I want the world to know me. I flirt and have flings with men, but don't connect with them. As I moved in to a serious relationship with Mo the fact that the world saw me as dating a man did not bother me at the time. Mostly because seeing him you know he is not your typical male. Therefor I felt I was still being honest to myself and the face I presented to the world.

Now that it is over, my history includes a long term committed (kinda) relationship with a man. I feel like this makes me a Lier. I will always consider myself Gender Non-discriminate. But I feel dishonest saying yes I was in love once with a man. because it is not the full truth.

And society does not recognize words like Gender Queer, or Trans Gender as a gender. So anytime I share my past I am forced to either share more then is my right, less then is honest or lie. i do not like this feeling. I do not want to feel dishonest or disloyal. I know that recognizing how i feel about this is the best place to start to solve this feeling in me. Now What is the next step?

Lady in the Merror

Good morning, lady. You look slightly familiar. You have my eyes, but sometimes thats all I recognize in you. Your hair is longer then mine and red, your skin paler then mine should be. You are slimmer, stronger yet more gentile then I am. Even those eyes I recognize are a lighter shade of green then my hazel eyes. You have collar bones, mine have never shown under my little girl skin. You are wearing my cloths but they look different on you. I think I know you.

I can not stop thinking about this amazing women I meet who I will probably never see again!

Feeling Self Concious

Well I have had an interesting few....... well ok so my whole life. Last night sticks with it and was fun.

I actually went out. Picture that, I had a life for the night. Met an amazing women named Shannon, I really hope to see her again. There are so many tourists in town, I assumed she was one too. But she's not! woo. She lives on St Johns Bayou. I am so jealous of that location. I miss seeing bayou every day.

Any way the reason I went out last night is a high school friend is in town. Took her out, did the Bourbon thing. Hit the Gay bar, met some great people, and danced lots! Enough, more latter, now its time to go work brunch! Peppy, I'm Peppy, or at least will be after coffee.