Deja Vu

"Already Seen"

I need to keep better track of my dreams. They are premonitions more and more often. Rarly completely what will happen.

I am on a street car, with a wonderful girl, I feel completely in love with her. Its snowing and or raining and cold. Her kisses are incredible. i wish i could remember more of the dream, but I was in school. and it was also partly set on that german, italian, breckenridge street i dream about. the one with the cinnamon rolls and the sausages. I am a student in college. And at one point am on the tourist pirate ship that server the pale beer in the frozen mugs.

starange to start with.

Until today I meet Shawna on the street car.

I dont know what the point of writing is, what the point of talking is, or even the point of living at the moment. I am exhausted, and sick of having a broken, bruised and battered heart. WIth life and joy comes pain. But shouldn't the joy be worth the pain. Too often then not I have more pain the joy. I am alone and lonely. Every time I try to reach out, my hand is slapped down. So i reach out less frequently and more timidly. Eventually I wont reach out at all any more.

I dont have the strength to go on caring for people while getting so little in return. I don' t know how i can keep loving while getting stepped on. I don't think people realize how much i do. i feel stretched to thin. doing small things for so many people, never being able to give enough attention to any one person or thing to earn anything in return. THe further i get the less i feel i deserve. I feel so incapable, so useless and pathetic. The more I am used the more i feel i have no value to offer.

Why do i even try