think think think. where should I be, where do i want to be. who loves me. who should i love. are the people i am thinking about thinking about me.

A friend got drunk the other night. spilled a secret she has been keeping for too long. now i can not stop thinking about her. i don't know if she even remembers telling me. but it is something i have known for a very long time. i cant get her off my mind. i just want to hug her. be there for her.

Now I am really confused. So a few weeks ago I discussed with my love the idea of marriage. off the bat i was completely against it. said i don't want to get married that it is an antiquated ritual, and a legal contract. nothing more. well in the time since i have been thinking about it alot.

I do want the love and commitment of a marriage. I want to have my friends and family support this, by viewing a ceremony. so I tell this to my love last night, and now he says he does not know what he thinks about marriage. that the legal bull shit is something that he does not want a part of, but might be happy with a ceremony.

So now i am so confused, perhaps the 2 of us put enough questions in to each others minds to change both of our opinions. so my opinion at this moment is,

I want a commitment, a ceremony, a love. I do not want to tie my credit or financial Independence in a legal contract to anyone. when it comes to children or owning a home that may change. Any of it may change at anytime.

The clarity that i wanted i am getting. New Orleans will always be there, i can go back. But if i dont try a life with Mo it might not always be there to go back to. and i will never know if i can be completely loved. I am not ready to leave New Orleans but I think i will be relatively soon. I can always go back to nola if i am unhappy.

I have not had a De Ja Vaux in a while, so maybe I am not on my correct path. So I still need some clarity and some time to discuss with him. But i guess i am starting to bend.