i have decided im going back on anti-depressants.

If i could find the words some times i think i would.

I cant express who i am felling today in one simple word or turn of phrase, its to complex for that. I feel alone, alienated, hidious, intrusive, abused, anoyed, unwelcome. Just to find a place to start. Im sure tonight is going to be just as bad, and ever worse. Last night i had my trusty computer to run to. I found some friendly words, and some supportive fantasies to hold on to. Tonight I will be cut off, camping for the most part in the new house. I hate the oh come with us when i know im such a 3rd wheel and truly just a hinderence. Maby i should fain illness, and stay here in bed. not that i could sleep, with Sue yelling at everyone all the time. well here i am back to my fate to wait for other.


Im gonna run away. As soon as i can.

I feel very cut off

I have been fighting with my roommate, she calles me selfish, and other hurtful things. Im starting to believe her. But i dont think im selfish, i think im so focused on her and making her happy that i have noglected every other relationship i have. It makes me feel very alone. I feel abused, and battered. It breaks my heart that somone i have put so much enerrgy in to thinks im selfish. I ask myself, is this true? and i come up with I am independent. ans what i see this boiling down to is that she has gotten so codependent with me, and i have let her. I have let her take over so much of me. I have faught for so long to not be that. I have been fighting the signs that i will follow in my mothers footsteps, just to find myself right back in them. Codependency is a trate of addictive personalities, holding grudges, is as well. I have worked and suffered to put these aspects of my life a side. Find peace and understanding, and then i find iv lost that path. Its so dissapointing, and frustrating. I could rant and ramble, but i wount. I make this vow to do my best to

Ask myself, is this selfish.

Concider just how I am felling.

Find that peace again

Remember I do not know all the reasons in the world, and i need to accept the things i have no controle over.